Hold on to...

Hold on to ...
Hold on to memories...
Pictures may speak a thousand words but memories last a life time
Hold on to ..
Hold on to a friend who keeps your secret. Many will want to help you and fix you ...But a real friend will know the value of your trust!
Hold on to ..
Hold on to a hand that lifts you up ...
There will be many who throw you down and trample you but the hand that lifts you up is strong!
Psalms 136:12
with a strong hand and an outstretched arm, for his steadfast love endures forever;

Sit Beside me

Come sit beside me my little one let's talk
Let me tell you a story of when you were born
Let me tell you about the tears in my eyes when I first held you
Let me tell you of all the sighs I gave when I realized you were mine

Come sit beside my little one ... Let's talk

Through your eyes

Through your eyes the world looks innocent
Through your eyes the world looks peaceful
Through your eyes troubles seem just momentary
Through your eyes tomorrow looks promising
Through your eyes yesterday holds no regrets
Through your eyes today brings nothing but joy
Isaiah 54:13
All your children shall be taught by the Lord, and great shall be the peace of your children.

Dogs ... cats and other critters! #petlovestory

I recently got jogged to the memory of the first pet I got for Suresh! I know right. Me getting a pet for him! Considering he is the animal lover and I am not much.

In August 2007 when we moved from Richmond, Virginia to Baltimore Maryland, we had two dogs and a cat. I still vividly remember the car drive from Richmond to Baltimore with a cat in the back seat that kept scratching the cardboard box he was locked in! I expected him to jump out of the box any minute and scratch my head for the terrible motion sickness he probably was feeling. Bhageera was one feisty cat!

We had an Indian family once visit us and say 'You both are an unusual Indian couple'. This happened as a result of seeing more animals than humans in our house. The lady of that family loved dogs and confessed that even though she had a dog in India, she could never think about a pet in the US, let alone three animals. The concept of having an animal living in the house was I guess something to get used to.

So who was responsible for the influx of animals into the Joel household. I guess I shall slowly raise my hand and take blame. Going back to the first pet. About the year 2002, for Valentines day, I got Suresh a 'Hamster'. I guess it was our first valentines after we were engaged and I knew how much he loved animals and well  all the 'love' came out in the form of a hamster. My roomie who was used to handling the rat category of animals helped me buy the hamster since I was too terrified of even holding it. I guess it was good preparation of things to come. Suresh's roomie name the hamster ' Sukhwinder Singh'. I do not know why! But it was a cute name for a very cute pet.
Sukhwinder Singh went to hamster heaven a year later.

We had a lull period after that with occasional references to dogs and Suresh getting over-friendly and playful with other peoples dogs as I got over-friendly and playful with other peoples babies.

 
In 2005 we bought a house and a month later we picked our first dog from the SPCA.  As we drove to the SPCA, we started picking out names. Daniel the shepherd dog. Aka Danny. When Suresh went to pick a dog, the first choice was a yellow laborador. But the little guy had a foot long waiting list. The SPCA guy turned Suresh's attention to a cage full of puppies who were all available just because they were not pure bred. It was love at first sight as Suresh decided to take one! Any one of them. He still tears up thinking what may have happened to the other three pups.

Danny came home with a runny nose and some pink cold medicine. He was super cute till Suresh had to leave two weeks later for a conference. I then realized the term 'Alpha male'. He decided he was in-charge of the house and to show his disapproval to Suresh leaving decided to poop all around the house. 24 hours later I called Suresh and told him I had enough and was sending Danny back to the SPCA. A frantic Suresh asked for another 24 hrs to arrange some place where Danny could be put up  till Suresh got home. I guess I figured out Danny in those 24 hrs and got some good advice from my mom-in-law : newspaper Vadi. Danny did not have to leave the house and I showed him that even if he was the alpha male .. I ruled the house :)

A few months later, Suresh sent me a picture of a dog. The email read a sad story about the two puppies left behind by a mother who was probably abused. I fell! I said Yes! We were set to get our second pet in 6 weeks.
We were still getting over the thought of a second dog when we had a friend come over during Sunday service fellowship. She looked disheveled. Her neighbor had a stray cat who has two kittens. One kitten had gone missing and they suspected that it was probably a bird that took it away. They were frantically searching for a home for this little kitten. My friend already had about 6 pet cats and had adopted several stray cats in her neighborhood. Since the kitten needed an indoor home, her husband looked at us pleadingly. I don't know what came over me and I said Yes! Again!
That evening Bhageera came home with  a bottle of Enfamil and an ink filler to use as a feeding bottle and his poop box.

A month later a furry little ball of chocolate brown came home while I was at my physics conference. That weekend when I returned home, our house was filled with more prancing animals and one happy Suresh! We named him Baloo, going in the Jungle book style.

We had to give up Bhageera when we returned to India as we could bring back only two animals. We found a home for Bhageera where he could run up trees and chase rats and squirrels. He was an outdoor cat all through and was mostly found on top of trees, unable to come back down himself! I miss good old Bhags and the love that Ziva shows to stray cats, I know she would have loved him too.

While I did say 'Yes' to the pets entering the house, I blame Suresh for the love for animals he has instilled in me with over the years! There have been several times that I have thought of giving them away. I refer to the dogs constantly as Suresh's  dogs and have ignored them after the kids arrived!
But I do know that I feel safe when they are around. No one dares come close to your house with the two big brown balls of fur!
I know that my kids have enjoyed having the animals walk and wag their tails into their faces as they grow up. I know that in numerous mess cleanings, I have had the chance to experience animals I may never have ... had it not been for the pet lover and his love for animals.
I know the presence of these dogs (and the cat for Isaac) has enriched the lives of Isaac and Ziva.

Reading !

I will read your books
I want to know what happens in your dreams

I will listen to your songs
I want to know what's playing in your head

I will do the things that make you smile
I want to know what makes you happy

I will listen to your songs
I want to know what you are feeling

I will read your books
I want to be a part of your life

Feminist or Independent or strong #daughterstories

This was what my daughter wore to a wedding recently and while she got a lot of 'ooos' and 'aaas' and maybe a few frowns, one particular comment led to a lovely conversation with my most favorite person!

Comment : 'Lovely and elegant!! Zivakutty I hope 20 years later also you will show the same passion to this most elegant dress.
While that comment hit some deep dark wound from a long ago. I responded this way

Response: In 20 years ... I pray she is happy.. healthy and as passionate about life as she is now. The sarees, skirts and pants will come and go :)

One person seemed to like my comment and I wondered whether I had touched some deep dark wound from long ago! I wondered if there were other wounded souls walking around who had to wear clothes that others thought were elegant.
FYI: My closet is very mixed. I have it all. No not 150 sarees in all colors! But pants, skirts (short and long ones), shorts, tops, sleeveless, salwars, dungrees, sarees, pyjamas, jeans, t-shirts, sweats, tracks. I am not one who will tell you what to wear and not to. I believe you are mature enough to decide that. I am not one who will tell you your 'inner' wear is showing. I believe everyone in this world wears one and sometimes it shows!

At one time Ziva and I were at war over clothes, some two years ago when she three years! Yes! She wanted to wear only skirts and she had a lot of very cute shorts. Somehow, I think, she had figured in her head that girls wear only shirts. She actually looks the cutest in a pair of chequed pants that are a hand me down from her brother. And no she doesn't look like a boy. She looks like a feisty 5-year old with fire in her eyes and passion to conquer the world, with a naughty smile to kill all!

I did wonder if I was raising her too boyish and I realized with the saree episode, Ziva was a strong young girl, and she would be herself no matter what she wore. She would light up any room she went into.
While my thoughts were brewing over the saree and other fancy clothes, this person sent me this particular article.
https://www.vagabomb.com/Adichies-Powerful-Essay-on-Raising-a-Feminist-Daughter/

While I love the article and agree with the lot of the things the author says, I am not so sure about the use of the word 'feminist'. I have been called a feminist (by someone who did not know me) because I asked a husband to got help his wife make tea instead of comment on the color of the tea or the taste as she struggled to make it for 20 people. Its not about equality. Its not about independence.
As I was brewing over this article, the person who sent me this said one more thing and I liked it very much
Comment:While saying/believing men are superior is misogyny, saying/believing women are superior is misandry. Both aren't helpful. Its not a competition between men  and women.
Wow! How true? So then feminism was wrong?
I thought on my initial experience on wanting to be equal to men or boys. Most of the resentment to be better or equal came from an extra bias toward the boy cousins in our family. We were always restrained or told we couldn't do certain things which our boy cousins got a free hand at.
Don't climb trees!
Don't ride the bicycle so much!


I brewed on that thought for a moment and wondered what I wanted to pass on to my daughter. No! Not what I want her to be. But what I want to share with her. Here is how it came out.
A feminist may think 'equal', but actually we are not. Some things, we women do far better and something men may do far better. No, this is not gender roles. I do not intend to say that I bake better than Suresh! But here is a more role reversal rarely seen in families - Finances. I do a far better job at maintaining them than the man of the house :). I, however, believe he has a God ordained responsibility over the house which he protects and provides for.

So Ziva - don't strive for equality,  strive instead toward your strength because when you are strong there will be no need to be equal.

Be a strong woman... one of character and confidence. Be a passionate woman. Be an emotional woman one who is willing to shed and show her tears. Do not mask it under holiness or false egoistical strength.
A feminist may think that hearts don't get broken!
An independent woman may never accept that her heart is broken!
But a strong woman is willing to set a heart in a place where it may get broken time and again. Sometimes her family will break it ... sometimes her friends will break it. She picks up the pieces and keeps at her strength.
Be that kind of a woman Ziva!


A feminist may climb a tree just so that she can show equality
An independent woman may not want any help while she climbs the tree
But a strong woman will accept help and want to climb up to enjoy the view and the company! As she climbs she will take help others climb up to.
Be that kind of woman Ziva!

A feminist may look for reasons to exclude the men in her life (father, brother, husband etc)
An independent woman may think she can get on in life without these men
A strong women knows the value of these men in her life. She knows they bring her a significance and security that she can gain from nowhere else. She also knows she is valued and honored by them. Her strength comes from not demanding it but realizing it
Be that kind of woman Ziva!

PS: This is not meant to offend anyone. I do not have a problem with feminism or independence. But I have learned through life that a person is more complete when they can believe that they are both strong and weak. No one is equal. :). The war for equality makes one person feel victimized and the other made to believe they are superior.

/ A friend of mine responded over FB to this blog and I am sharing it here. I dont agree with all of it./
Such a nice article. I am so glad your daughter is growing so well, also growing with such an amazing role model. .....Also, feminism may not be a bad word.... Independent women :: may be equal to :: strong women :: may be equal to :: feminism. It is not probably to show anybody outside the measure of equality to the other gender. The thought process could have come from a time where women had to fight for equal rights just to vote or drive a car (we have traveled in a long way in most countries... some countries are still fighting for it). For our country - it may not be so strong, nevertheless sometimes, extremely subtle.... Sometimes, also has a religious/superficial cover to it. Nevertheless, still exists. We are fortunate that we do not face major issues for our rights, but the struggle still is strong for the majority. Feminism is not a bad word; it may not be the struggle to prove a point. Just the aspect that one recognizes the efforts of the past women who fought to where we can be free and those women who continue to fight for basic rights. Feminism may just be strong :) Happy Day

/To which I responded/
It's just that the word has been misused/misconstrued/misunderstood!
#respectthewomenwhofought
The pursuit should not be equality ...Rather respect !

/To which another was made/
I agree. "feminism" as a term is being shunned. But if it was not for the women's movement who fought so hard, we would not have been where we are as a society. I would not be working with equal wages or given a right to vote. I agree feminism is not about superiority but mutual respect - Unfortunately, the terminology now when used is not perceived the same way. Nevertheless, feminism was the movement that we can even have this discussion. So, feminism is good :) Also, one correction - the discussion is not about equality (since equality is given) but the argument about superiority is to be removed.

/And me again/
I believe equal wages should be given to those who deserve. Gender, race, minority, class, religion etc ... nothing ... nothing should define equality! We are unequal. We were created that way. We were created to fit into each other. What a peaceful world that would be if we just recognized that! If we were all equal then we would all look alike and behave alike. What a Black or White world that would be? Respect - the weaker person not because you feel sorry - but because you fit into one another. Respect - the stronger person not out of envy - but because you have so much more to learn.

 

Sleeping with the enemy! #notwhatitsoundslike

It was 2:58 pm ... I had woken up 15 minutes  ago and yet not gotten out of bed. Thanks to the enemy! I jumped out of bed and started to hurry around the house, because now I was late for taking the kids to gymnastics class. Then there was the rushing and the hushing and screaming at the kids
All because of sleeping with the enemy!

It seemed like a regular affair now. To sleep and wake up with the enemy.
I thought I was the only one in the disastrous down spiraling path till DH confessed too!
'I spend so much time after I wake up just scrolling through FB'


Yes - That's the enemy I am talking about. The darn phone!
Luckily we ended 2016 by making a solid effort to stopping this 'affair'. It not like DH and I did not realize this but the following video was simply perfect!

www.facebook.com/VineSurvivor/videos/1232136226872420/?pnref=story

We slept with the enemy most of the time because it was our alarm clock and 'woke up' much later than even if we didn't have the alarm ring and feeling much worse.
In the past few months, I can, with a lot of guilt, say that I have wasted so many hours on Facebook and Whatsapp. I wish I had watched a movie instead. At least I would feel like I had done something.
I remember my dad calling the TV an idiot box when we were kids. He would repeat time and again on what a waste of time it was and how we would become ... well Idiots.
But I now think the TV is much lesser of an evil!
Its not just the time - but the complete lack of accomplishment of anything at the end of the time with this enemy that leaves you feeling well... miserable.
And it was just not me that this habit affected. The whole family... no wait the whole community ... all the people around me seemed affected by this vice. Some time mid last year, DH made me realize that I was way too addicted to the phone even when there were people around me. He, of course did not mention his early morning rendezvous with the 'enemy'.
I consciously made an effort to put away the 'enemy' when I had company, when I visited people and when we went out as a family. And while it was improving, I had forgotten to put the 'enemy' away while I slept.
The issue with sleeping, eating, walking and everything else with the 'enemy' is that it becomes so much a part of you that you almost need a de-addiction center for it.
I realized that I got irritable with the kids after reading a few frustrating messages over whatsapp chats. Yes people now feel the chat a far safer way to share bad new and negative reviews :). I do too. But it affects the person at the receiving end so much.
As part of my de-addiction process, I tried to uninstall FB and Whatsapp from my phone. But that really did not seem like the solution.

After watching the videos a few key things struck us. DH watched the video few more times and we made a couple quick changes.
1. No sleeping with the 'enemy'. As the video suggests - get an alarm clock. We had an old phone with not sim card and we started using that. In the past few days since starting this habit, I have been able to wake up, get my quiet time, get my work time and get my me time with a nice long walk!
2. I would often go for Gymnastics class and sit outside and turn on my internet. Now instead I make sure I  turn of the internet till I get back home. And so for the past few classes, I have been going for walks up and down the road outside the venue.
3. No phone at the table. No phone during school hours. In general being available completely for the kids. Ignoring phone calls if possible.

It sounds all good. A nice New Years resolution. But on day 3 of the New Year I found myself at it yet again. I was at a hair cut appointment where I had decided that I would read some stuff. But half way through I found myself commenting on other peoples photos on FB! Just as I was starting to feel the enemy slowly take over my 1.5 hr, I noticed a missed call from my mom.
I called her back and saved myself from the enemy! Small changes ... Big Difference. My phone call with my mom ... made me very happy as she shared lots of good news about many in the family :)

PS: I don't think its Facebook and Whatsapp or other social media that's the evil. It's our complete lack of self control and an instrument that makes it so accessible at out finger tips that causes all hell break lose!