Why we are equal! #equality

So the thought keeps going through my head after my little blog on feminism and strong women.

http://momstheword2.blogspot.in/2017/01/feminist-or-independent-or-strong.html


We recently had a bible study where we are studying the word of God from Genesis and looking at it divided by events.
This week we were looking at the creation and the fall of man. For those who don't believe in creation... well too bad... You really cannot believe in equality or anything else! As it boils down.

So Adam was created and then made to realize that he was lonely. Don't you love God! He brings you to a point of realization  before He takes you to higher points.
Then God creates Eve and bring her to Adam. Adam's words  'At last! This is now bone of my bone!'. Adam was happy to find his EQUAL. Adam had fellowship with God. He had lots of company with the animals. But finally God created for him an EQUAL. Lot of people look at the word helper and try to tie down the woman's role as secondary. But the sequence and the events that went into creating both Man and Woman makes it clear. At last Adam had found his 'EQUAL'.
So how did this equality, gender roles and struggle for significance start. The CURSE!
Adam and Eve messed it up. They ate the only fruit they were forbidden to eat.  In response to the disobedience, God had to punish them.
The punishment for Adam
Genesis 3:17- 19

And to Adam he said,“Because you have listened to the voice of your wife  and have eaten of the tree
of which I commanded you,  ‘You shall not eat of it,’ cursed is the ground because of you;  in pain you shall eat of it all the days of your life;  thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you;  and you shall eat the plants of the field.  By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread, till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you shall return.”

Genesis 3:16

To the woman he said, ' I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing;  in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be contrary to^[f] your husband,   but he shall RULE over you.'

Ah! the wages of disobedience that we still bear as women. The fight for equality!

But the Aha for the evening was this point: When Jesus came and died on the cross for each of us - He lifted the curse off us! We are no longer under the curse. We are EQUAL!

So you got a choice - believe Jesus lifted the curse and treat all equally - or spend time arguing :).

#dontneedtoargue #biblesaysitIbelieveit #believe #God'slove #Jesushasliftedthecurse

Feminist or Independent or strong #daughterstories

This was what my daughter wore to a wedding recently and while she got a lot of 'ooos' and 'aaas' and maybe a few frowns, one particular comment led to a lovely conversation with my most favorite person!

Comment : 'Lovely and elegant!! Zivakutty I hope 20 years later also you will show the same passion to this most elegant dress.
While that comment hit some deep dark wound from a long ago. I responded this way

Response: In 20 years ... I pray she is happy.. healthy and as passionate about life as she is now. The sarees, skirts and pants will come and go :)

One person seemed to like my comment and I wondered whether I had touched some deep dark wound from long ago! I wondered if there were other wounded souls walking around who had to wear clothes that others thought were elegant.
FYI: My closet is very mixed. I have it all. No not 150 sarees in all colors! But pants, skirts (short and long ones), shorts, tops, sleeveless, salwars, dungrees, sarees, pyjamas, jeans, t-shirts, sweats, tracks. I am not one who will tell you what to wear and not to. I believe you are mature enough to decide that. I am not one who will tell you your 'inner' wear is showing. I believe everyone in this world wears one and sometimes it shows!

At one time Ziva and I were at war over clothes, some two years ago when she three years! Yes! She wanted to wear only skirts and she had a lot of very cute shorts. Somehow, I think, she had figured in her head that girls wear only shirts. She actually looks the cutest in a pair of chequed pants that are a hand me down from her brother. And no she doesn't look like a boy. She looks like a feisty 5-year old with fire in her eyes and passion to conquer the world, with a naughty smile to kill all!

I did wonder if I was raising her too boyish and I realized with the saree episode, Ziva was a strong young girl, and she would be herself no matter what she wore. She would light up any room she went into.
While my thoughts were brewing over the saree and other fancy clothes, this person sent me this particular article.
https://www.vagabomb.com/Adichies-Powerful-Essay-on-Raising-a-Feminist-Daughter/

While I love the article and agree with the lot of the things the author says, I am not so sure about the use of the word 'feminist'. I have been called a feminist (by someone who did not know me) because I asked a husband to got help his wife make tea instead of comment on the color of the tea or the taste as she struggled to make it for 20 people. Its not about equality. Its not about independence.
As I was brewing over this article, the person who sent me this said one more thing and I liked it very much
Comment:While saying/believing men are superior is misogyny, saying/believing women are superior is misandry. Both aren't helpful. Its not a competition between men  and women.
Wow! How true? So then feminism was wrong?
I thought on my initial experience on wanting to be equal to men or boys. Most of the resentment to be better or equal came from an extra bias toward the boy cousins in our family. We were always restrained or told we couldn't do certain things which our boy cousins got a free hand at.
Don't climb trees!
Don't ride the bicycle so much!


I brewed on that thought for a moment and wondered what I wanted to pass on to my daughter. No! Not what I want her to be. But what I want to share with her. Here is how it came out.
A feminist may think 'equal', but actually we are not. Some things, we women do far better and something men may do far better. No, this is not gender roles. I do not intend to say that I bake better than Suresh! But here is a more role reversal rarely seen in families - Finances. I do a far better job at maintaining them than the man of the house :). I, however, believe he has a God ordained responsibility over the house which he protects and provides for.

So Ziva - don't strive for equality,  strive instead toward your strength because when you are strong there will be no need to be equal.

Be a strong woman... one of character and confidence. Be a passionate woman. Be an emotional woman one who is willing to shed and show her tears. Do not mask it under holiness or false egoistical strength.
A feminist may think that hearts don't get broken!
An independent woman may never accept that her heart is broken!
But a strong woman is willing to set a heart in a place where it may get broken time and again. Sometimes her family will break it ... sometimes her friends will break it. She picks up the pieces and keeps at her strength.
Be that kind of a woman Ziva!


A feminist may climb a tree just so that she can show equality
An independent woman may not want any help while she climbs the tree
But a strong woman will accept help and want to climb up to enjoy the view and the company! As she climbs she will take help others climb up to.
Be that kind of woman Ziva!

A feminist may look for reasons to exclude the men in her life (father, brother, husband etc)
An independent woman may think she can get on in life without these men
A strong women knows the value of these men in her life. She knows they bring her a significance and security that she can gain from nowhere else. She also knows she is valued and honored by them. Her strength comes from not demanding it but realizing it
Be that kind of woman Ziva!

PS: This is not meant to offend anyone. I do not have a problem with feminism or independence. But I have learned through life that a person is more complete when they can believe that they are both strong and weak. No one is equal. :). The war for equality makes one person feel victimized and the other made to believe they are superior.

/ A friend of mine responded over FB to this blog and I am sharing it here. I dont agree with all of it./
Such a nice article. I am so glad your daughter is growing so well, also growing with such an amazing role model. .....Also, feminism may not be a bad word.... Independent women :: may be equal to :: strong women :: may be equal to :: feminism. It is not probably to show anybody outside the measure of equality to the other gender. The thought process could have come from a time where women had to fight for equal rights just to vote or drive a car (we have traveled in a long way in most countries... some countries are still fighting for it). For our country - it may not be so strong, nevertheless sometimes, extremely subtle.... Sometimes, also has a religious/superficial cover to it. Nevertheless, still exists. We are fortunate that we do not face major issues for our rights, but the struggle still is strong for the majority. Feminism is not a bad word; it may not be the struggle to prove a point. Just the aspect that one recognizes the efforts of the past women who fought to where we can be free and those women who continue to fight for basic rights. Feminism may just be strong :) Happy Day

/To which I responded/
It's just that the word has been misused/misconstrued/misunderstood!
#respectthewomenwhofought
The pursuit should not be equality ...Rather respect !

/To which another was made/
I agree. "feminism" as a term is being shunned. But if it was not for the women's movement who fought so hard, we would not have been where we are as a society. I would not be working with equal wages or given a right to vote. I agree feminism is not about superiority but mutual respect - Unfortunately, the terminology now when used is not perceived the same way. Nevertheless, feminism was the movement that we can even have this discussion. So, feminism is good :) Also, one correction - the discussion is not about equality (since equality is given) but the argument about superiority is to be removed.

/And me again/
I believe equal wages should be given to those who deserve. Gender, race, minority, class, religion etc ... nothing ... nothing should define equality! We are unequal. We were created that way. We were created to fit into each other. What a peaceful world that would be if we just recognized that! If we were all equal then we would all look alike and behave alike. What a Black or White world that would be? Respect - the weaker person not because you feel sorry - but because you fit into one another. Respect - the stronger person not out of envy - but because you have so much more to learn.

 

The feminist - A few days without my man!

It happens every year at the same time. I guess the conference happens in June every year for which my DH has to leave us and travel for two weeks. And guess what else happens in June! Father's day! For the third year now, we have missed having Dad here for Father's Day. This means since Ziva was born, she has not celebrated fathers days with her father :(

As I grew up, I was trained constantly to be independent. I grew up believing I could do anything a boy could do. This I guess was the training for being a feminist. I believed in equality. I believed boys SHOULD do things which girls did, such as wash dishes and pick up after themselves and girls COULD do things that boys did such, as drive cars and get about alone. Luckily I met a man who treated me as an equal. We shared all chores from day one of our marriage. We did our own laundry and folded our own clothes. In fact DH did a much better job  of folding and ironing his clothes than me. We alternated days for cooking i.e. he cooked one day and me the next. We shared washing vessels and also cleaning up the house. We shared the bills, splitting it equally. In fact for the first 5 years of our marriage we even had separate bank accounts. It was only when we moved to a new city that we started an account together.

In the time before the kids, DH travelled a lot. He travelled mainly on work related conferences. I also realized that he loved travelling. I did not like travelling and I did not mind being alone at home. It gave me time to catch up with my books and watch 'F.R.I.E.N.D.S' endless number of times. I was independent and fearless. I could look after myself. FEMINIST?

But now here we are some 6 years later and 13 years of being married and you would think that the independence would have grown. But not in our case! After this long walk of 13 years together, DH travels less and I get heavily nervous each time he has to leave us even for a couple days. The key word in the sentence is 'US'

I still pay the bills, do the dishes, drive myself wherever needed, get work done around the house. But life during this time is not the same.
For me now my life revolves around my man! And the big reason for the change in my independence to dependence is 'Isaac and Ziva'.

For the umpteenth time since DAD has left for his work-travel Ziva has asked. 'Is Appa coming back now?' . I tried showing them the calendar and counting the days till Appa returned. But a few hours later 5 year old Isaac came, his eyes filled to the brim with big tears, 'I want Appa not to go to the US again!' Why? He could not get his legos to work and only DAD knows to help him!!! Yes some independence. I do not know how to put together a simple Legos set (Well its not simple - its this complicated fire truck set). What use was the electricity and phone bill paid when I could not keep the tears from rolling down my little boy's eyes?

This past Saturday we attended Children's Church. Usually Ziva loves dancing and singing songs with her friends. But this Saturday she was ultra whiny and annoying. While I was trying to calm her down, my friend's 15 year old daughter came to me and said ' Suresh Uncle's left? That's why Ziva's crying. She misses her daddy. I cry when my Daddy goes too' and she giggled making Ziva nod her head in agreement! Wisdom from a 15-year old!! What use was driving to places when I could not comfort my little one the way my DH does!

A few days without my man is a roller coaster ride. All emotions are flying high and tears are at the brim of the eyes.
Some FEMINIST huh!

Women Entrepreneurs

This blog, you could say is dedicated to Sridevi ... Yes the bollywood lady!. No she's not an entrepreneur in real life (At least I dont think so). But her character in English Vinglish can definitely inspire you to be one! An Entrepreneur. The ladoo making industry must have boomed after English Vinglish!

This blog is about three Indian Entrepreneurs I have seen very closely since I moved back to India. Whats common between them and me? They are all women! It inspires me!  You could say this is in order of physical distance from my house.

Mridula Velagapudi:
Her facebook 'About' says Self employed and loving it! When I first had a conversation with Mridula and asked her what she did, I did not realize what a big part of the writing world she had her foot in. 'Content Writing' she responded very simply, like it was a part of everyone's being.
'And whats that?' I asked naively (or rather ignorantly).
'I write content for various website' She replied. 'Companies send me stuff and I write it up so they can put it on their websites'
I did come home that evening and looked up content writing. I was part of oDesk already and had put my tiny foot into the world of blog writing. But as I searched content writers, I realized this world of writing I have never known about. Writing about a company you never knew or maybe just heard about can take a lot of skill. Especially, when by writing for them you are making the 'front face' of the matter they are trying to sell to world.
When I started writing this blog I asked Mridula whether she called her 'company' anything.
'No I am freelancer' she responded. But writes she does! From  - whitepapers, Case studies, product sheets, Newsletters, Company blogs, messages for Social media platform  - to the newsletter for our association - Mridula has done her bit of writing.
But for me the interesting part of this entrepreneur is ... I see her walking her kids to the school bus each morning and I see her pick her daughter up every afternoon at 1 pm from the school bus. Once Mridula mentioned ...
'Sometimes Ishanvi can get in the way of my work'... they way I see it - at least your home for her to get in the way of! Ishanvi is Mridula's 5 year- something little girl.

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'Do you work?' I ask Anjali as she holds on to one of her three dogs. This passionate animal lover is an entrepreneur. About 400 meters from our home, Anjali, her three dogs, one cat, fish, daughter and husband have made their friendly abode.
'I create home furnishing' She replied, still holding on tight to the all white Boxer. That's the dogs name, not his breed!
In my head, when you say furnishing I think sofas! But when I checked out Cannanore - a lore from a loom, I realized how creative furnishing can be. Someone once said that a house becomes a home when you put up curtains. That's whats Anjali's little basement based furnishing business does. With all her pretty colors and curtains she can make a room from pure to perfect!
Anjali is a big flea fiesta person. She can be found at all events around the Bangalore city displaying her pretty products. I keep promising her that when I buy my own house, I will definitely make a huge contribution to her bank account through Cannanore-a lore from a loom.
Again a home based business. But there is something about creativity that is contagious. Yes contagious. Anjali's 12th grade daughter Shradha has her own line of designer clutches. Now that's what I call - It runs in the blood.

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And then there is this enthusiastic entrepreneur about 10 kms from where I live. Yes Artsy Craftsy and its CEO Kanchan have found a special space on Dayenu the past several weeks.
You cannot miss the passion for art and craft in this entrepreneur. The living room of her house is filled with kids between 3 and 12 years of age and she still manages to get across the class contents and keep her sanity. Yet another home business!
Two things stand out in this entrepreneur.
One: she shares every thing. Her knowledge of art, her resources and details to her projects. She even has DIY (do-it-yourself) kits to get you started on your own craft classes. Of course she cannot share her patience and endurance towards the kids. Kanchan recently started Creative Adda. A place that encourages and builds creativity. I look forward to seeing this business boom too!
Two: She has a very supportive family. Her two daughters fit right into all the art and craft classes. Pihu being too little get carried off! But Kuhu all of seven not only tries the projects herself but is an excellent help to mommy! Ask Kanchan where you she gets her supplies from and she replies 'I dont know - my husband Pankaj gets it for me!' Now that's what I call a supper-supportive husband.
We were at Isaac's final day performance and Suresh and Pankaj got talking. In the conversation Pankaj mentioned 'I do my work for money. At least she (pointing at Kanchan) should do it for her passion'

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So women in Bangalore --- lets find a passion --- a talent! Lets become mini-entrepreneurs!