When I was single I never bothered what people thought. Even when I got married I really didnt care what people said or felt. I did as I pleased and as I thought appropriate. You could say I had the skin of a rhinocerous. Nothing affected me.
Somehow the after becoming a mommy my skin has become like the elephant. It may seem tough, but it is highly sensitive. I tend to hear things in super sonic mode. DH even tells me that I hear things that are not meant for me. Then I have the super-mom interpretation system. This seriously is the most annoying part. I take what people have 'probably' said, interpret it and blow it out of proportion!
Am I the only mommy who does it? And why did this change happen.
This weekend we spent some time with a few families and one particular brother (I say brother and not friend and you will realize why shortly) watched me reprimand Isaac. I was gentler than normal but this brother keeps telling me to be kinder. His usual words are 'Baccha hai ... mar daloge kya!' Its sounds very funny when you are trying to correct a 5 year old.
As I was correcting Isaac he looked at me and I laughed. Then he said this
'Whatever said and done, my wife and I think your kids are good!'
It was a completely unexpected statement and no one has really said this to me before. It felt like my yearly evaluation was done. I know DH would have just shrugged away this statement with a kind of 'Yes I know'. But for me I really needed to hear it. DH often appreciates my investment with the kids in terms of homeschooling and other stuff. But when you get an external review, its like icing on a yummy cake.
Why do we mommies need to hear this?
Guilt
Most mommies live with the constant guilt. Maybe for some its because we spend all our time with our kids and our children kind of reflect us is a lot of ways. For instance, Isaac was born a very calm and content child. For more of his first two years he rarely cried. But somewhere around 2 years the shit hit the fan and he had lost his calm nature. Somewhere during my second pregnancy, I had lost my cool. I started showing signs of pregnancy mood swings. I am sure Isaac must have been watching these behavioral changes and I feel that was the beginning of some of his anger issues. I now constantly spend time praying for him. We mommies live with the guilt that we can/ or may have messed up our kids.
Judgement
I read this article somewhere that said that if a dad brings a kid with a messy face, people around think its cute. But if a mom brings a kid with a messy face, she is judged as not doing enough for her children. Why does the world judge the daddy and mommy with different yard sticks? Somehow if a child is good the whole world compliments a father on how well he has raised them and if the child goes astray then its the mother's fault. Why is it that the responsibility is not shared equally?
Appreciation or lack thereof
This is my constant fight with DH. Most folks who go to work get a yearly evaluation. Some even get a salary hike if they perform well. But somehow mommies who work hard day in and day out get no appraisal. We mommies don't need the salary hike. But the verbal appraisal is very important. The most important person to provide that should be DH. Wouldn't it be fun is maybe once a year we got a certificate saying ' Worlds best mommy 2014-2015'. I would totally love it!
Another aspect of this appraisal is when the outside world provides it. Daddies please stop taking all the glory and share it with mommy. Maybe even call it mommy and get the outsider to repeat comments. Believe me every mom loves hearing good things about their kids. DH is very good at this. Especially if someone comments on how we homeschool. I have heard him frequently say ' I really dont know how she (referring to me) keeps it all so organized.
To the world outside, if you see a mommy struggling with a child, remember we mommies are far more stressed than most CEO's. So give us freedom from our guilt trip and if you cannot say anything encouraging, don't say anything at all.
To all the mommies out there if I have ever said anything that made you feel condemned .. Please .. Please forgive me!
Somehow the after becoming a mommy my skin has become like the elephant. It may seem tough, but it is highly sensitive. I tend to hear things in super sonic mode. DH even tells me that I hear things that are not meant for me. Then I have the super-mom interpretation system. This seriously is the most annoying part. I take what people have 'probably' said, interpret it and blow it out of proportion!
Am I the only mommy who does it? And why did this change happen.
This weekend we spent some time with a few families and one particular brother (I say brother and not friend and you will realize why shortly) watched me reprimand Isaac. I was gentler than normal but this brother keeps telling me to be kinder. His usual words are 'Baccha hai ... mar daloge kya!' Its sounds very funny when you are trying to correct a 5 year old.
As I was correcting Isaac he looked at me and I laughed. Then he said this
'Whatever said and done, my wife and I think your kids are good!'
It was a completely unexpected statement and no one has really said this to me before. It felt like my yearly evaluation was done. I know DH would have just shrugged away this statement with a kind of 'Yes I know'. But for me I really needed to hear it. DH often appreciates my investment with the kids in terms of homeschooling and other stuff. But when you get an external review, its like icing on a yummy cake.
Why do we mommies need to hear this?
Guilt
Most mommies live with the constant guilt. Maybe for some its because we spend all our time with our kids and our children kind of reflect us is a lot of ways. For instance, Isaac was born a very calm and content child. For more of his first two years he rarely cried. But somewhere around 2 years the shit hit the fan and he had lost his calm nature. Somewhere during my second pregnancy, I had lost my cool. I started showing signs of pregnancy mood swings. I am sure Isaac must have been watching these behavioral changes and I feel that was the beginning of some of his anger issues. I now constantly spend time praying for him. We mommies live with the guilt that we can/ or may have messed up our kids.
Judgement
I read this article somewhere that said that if a dad brings a kid with a messy face, people around think its cute. But if a mom brings a kid with a messy face, she is judged as not doing enough for her children. Why does the world judge the daddy and mommy with different yard sticks? Somehow if a child is good the whole world compliments a father on how well he has raised them and if the child goes astray then its the mother's fault. Why is it that the responsibility is not shared equally?
Appreciation or lack thereof
This is my constant fight with DH. Most folks who go to work get a yearly evaluation. Some even get a salary hike if they perform well. But somehow mommies who work hard day in and day out get no appraisal. We mommies don't need the salary hike. But the verbal appraisal is very important. The most important person to provide that should be DH. Wouldn't it be fun is maybe once a year we got a certificate saying ' Worlds best mommy 2014-2015'. I would totally love it!
Another aspect of this appraisal is when the outside world provides it. Daddies please stop taking all the glory and share it with mommy. Maybe even call it mommy and get the outsider to repeat comments. Believe me every mom loves hearing good things about their kids. DH is very good at this. Especially if someone comments on how we homeschool. I have heard him frequently say ' I really dont know how she (referring to me) keeps it all so organized.
To the world outside, if you see a mommy struggling with a child, remember we mommies are far more stressed than most CEO's. So give us freedom from our guilt trip and if you cannot say anything encouraging, don't say anything at all.
To all the mommies out there if I have ever said anything that made you feel condemned .. Please .. Please forgive me!
No comments:
Post a Comment