Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Surviving post-partum depression - My story!

A few years ago, I was attending a stitching class with two other ladies. As the conversation drifted we suddenly found ourselves talking about depression. Specifically the kind you feel after you have had a baby. Post-partum depression in complicated words!
 As we ran a poll, I realized that among the four ladies in the room, three of us had felt some magnitude of depression after the arrival of our little ones. That is 75 % of women. (My statistics!). Of the three of us, two had sought some form of help in regards to this depression. That's 66%. I was the moron who had thought that I was too strong and could overcome this 'Phase' in life. I think its God's grace that I survived and made it this far!

The first question that most will have is  'How did you know you were having post-partum depression?' Well I was depressed , had lost interest in most everything and have occasionally considered hurting myself.  I felt listless most of the time and lacked any drive to get things done. I am not writing this because I want sympathy. I am writing this because I am sure there are tons of new moms who are not sure why they are feeling what they are feeling. More importantly I want to share how I got through some of my struggles

As I analyze my state in that time, I realized that the following definitely contributed toward my depressed state of mind. 
1. We had just moved with a new born baby and a toddler. The move was huge and I was not as prepared as I had thought I was.  DH was starting a new job and needed to spend a lot of time at work. This left me alone, with two human-beings who could not carry out a sane conversation with me, giving my mind a chance to play all kinds of games.
2. I did not have enough help. Two kids with an age difference of 22 months, I needed all the help I could get and yet I could not find it. When I did get it (i.e. found the best nanny in the world) it took me 9 months to trust her alone with my kids. After all these was my babies and they were my responsibility.
3. I did not get enough rest. I went back to work 3 months after baby #1 and we moved to India from the US - 2 months after baby #2. I had pneumonia - 1 week after I joined work post baby #1 and baby #1 had RSV and was hospitalized for 3 days a day after I started my pneumonia antibiotics. I see moms in India take long rests post delivery and 7 month maternity leaves and I think 'Why the heck did I not do that?'
4. I made my life child-centric. I refused to do anything that I could not take my children along with. As a result my life became about me and the babies and the world outside stopped. It was like a disaster waiting to happen.
5. I started gaining weight. While with baby #1 I had managed to stay fit post delivery, eating oats and drinking lots of milk. With baby # 2, I was in India, the land of Gulab jamun and fried 'Wadas'. I started to gain weight at the sight of these foods. Putting on weight... while you have nothing else going on in life, can really take that rock bottom self-esteem and drop it in deep oceans.
6. I did not seem to have time for anything other than the kiddos. When one was sleeping, the other was awake and the cycle continued. This gave me no time for myself. No time to read/watch TV or just be!

I wish I had sought help. But it was when I hit rock bottom that I even realized I was depressed. Till that point I thought it was hormonal and it would go away. One frustrated afternoon I broke down in front of DH crying and pouring out my heart on the way I felt. I think I left him very flustered. The biggest help you need while going through post-partum is your DH to actually know that you are depressed. He was shocked to even think I was depressed. Once I had DH on my side, things started taking an uphill turn!
1. I started to wake up early in the morning and DH would watch the kids if either of them woke up before 7 am. I would read! I started to cycle and I just enjoyed the clearing of my head the morning gave me. The cycling help me loose some of my baby fat and it almost gave me a goal to achieve!
2. I started to look for things to do outside the home. My only condition was that I would not leave the kids at home alone with the maid. DH had to be at home. Bangalore has plenty to do on weekends and so I found opportunities like baking, stitching and painting.
3. I started blogging. I was able to pour out my frustration and achievements over a white screen and it surely helped my head!

Now two years later, I am on constant watch for mood swings. I look for ways and means to lift myself up and I take a break when I need it. This does not involve running away from home, but it does involve being by myself.

When I see moms with newborns the advise I give is please take as much help as you can get. Help from in-laws, help from your parents, a nanny, a cook , whatever you can afford for at least a year.
And most important tell DH when you start to feel crazy in your head!

Quoting Aunty Acid!!!!


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