Hold my hand -

No one gets you, Why you cry
Let me not deny
Sometimes neither do I!

No one gets your intensity, Your need to be perfect
Let me not deny
Sometimes neither do I!

No one understands your dream world, as you build up mansions in your head
Let me not deny
Sometimes neither do I!

No one gets your passion, your love, your kindness, your gentleness, your anger, your craziness, your laughter, your tears
Let me not deny
Sometimes neither do I!


Everyone will want you to change!
Be more boy, be more rough, be more loud
Let me deny
Never will I!

Everyone may seem like they don't understand you
But I always will try

Mommy Prayer #Leadme #SanctusReal

The picture below jogged up some memories. Not the song 'Promises'! The group that sang it. 'Sanctus Real'. Back in 2010/2011, I remember listening to their song 'Lead me'  a lot.

PC and Edit Credit : David John

95.1 FM. Car drives to work and back, this was the radio channel that kept my faith going. Sometimes when you are way down in the midst of a trial and you don't know how to pray, and a song keeps you going. I really liked the song, but I have never paid close attention to the words.

 The other day as I watched the song again on Youtube, I took a closer look at the words. Then I dug a little deeper into the story behind the song.

While the story of 'Lead me' reflects the prayer of a 'Daddy and husband' for me it was a prayer I had been praying for me as a mommy! For 1.5 years after becoming mommy, I had worked. First as a full time physicist and then switching to part time. During each drive to work, I found myself asking why I was doing this. I was neither able to be there fully at work nor at home. We literally worked shifts at home where I left at 6 am and returned by 11 am and Suresh left as I walked into the door.
This song reflected how both Suresh and I felt! The loneliness at home where both of us were just trying to be brave and chug along.
I was told several times that I would raise a strong independent child and I should not feel so guilty about leaving Isaac at daycare. After all it was sometimes only for 2-3 hours. But one morning as I walked into work put on my lab coat and sat down, the phone rang and it was from Isaac's day care. They told me that he didn't seem well and had thrown up and that I needed to come pick him up. The best thing about day cares in US is that they never keep sick babies! To prevent other babies from getting sick! I jumped up and ran out. And as I was driving I kept thinking, why am I doing this! I needed to be at home with him.
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#Lead Me by Sanctus Real
So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I am called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't you lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love
Chasing things that I could give up

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone."
 -------------------------------

Giving up my career was not easy. I still get notifications from the American Board of Radiology reminding me that I was a fully certified physicist and I need to such and such thing to keep it active. But I do believe God honored me when I gave up what I was not called to chase. I still remember when I got the offer from old colleagues in Physics my first statement was to Suresh was ' Looks like this Medical Physics won't leave me'. Even as recently at two days ago, someone told me I was missing out on an adult conference because I wanted to volunteer for the simultaneously happening kids conference. But for me, in my head, I was thinking, maybe another year or two and if I could 'lead them', I know God will honor my desire to be show my children how much I love them.

Moving to India was not easy for Suresh. I mean giving up John's Hopkins was a tough call. But he did it anyway. God honored his sacrifice. God honored his desired to show his family that he was willing to fight for us. For the first two years, as I struggled with two kids below 3, Suresh took a lot of time off  and worked from home. While his friends had several days of vacation and leave carried over to the next year, Suresh barely made it till the end of year with enough time off. Every year it was time for the annual evaluation he would prep himself saying how others around him worked longer hours. But God honored his desire to ' Lead his children and stand up for his wife' when we were not able to.

So now that they are older are all the problems over. Oh boy no! Now they have a greater demand on time. But this verse made me realize there is only one solution. The third strand #Jesus!

Surviving post-partum depression - My story!

A few years ago, I was attending a stitching class with two other ladies. As the conversation drifted we suddenly found ourselves talking about depression. Specifically the kind you feel after you have had a baby. Post-partum depression in complicated words!
 As we ran a poll, I realized that among the four ladies in the room, three of us had felt some magnitude of depression after the arrival of our little ones. That is 75 % of women. (My statistics!). Of the three of us, two had sought some form of help in regards to this depression. That's 66%. I was the moron who had thought that I was too strong and could overcome this 'Phase' in life. I think its God's grace that I survived and made it this far!

The first question that most will have is  'How did you know you were having post-partum depression?' Well I was depressed , had lost interest in most everything and have occasionally considered hurting myself.  I felt listless most of the time and lacked any drive to get things done. I am not writing this because I want sympathy. I am writing this because I am sure there are tons of new moms who are not sure why they are feeling what they are feeling. More importantly I want to share how I got through some of my struggles

As I analyze my state in that time, I realized that the following definitely contributed toward my depressed state of mind. 
1. We had just moved with a new born baby and a toddler. The move was huge and I was not as prepared as I had thought I was.  DH was starting a new job and needed to spend a lot of time at work. This left me alone, with two human-beings who could not carry out a sane conversation with me, giving my mind a chance to play all kinds of games.
2. I did not have enough help. Two kids with an age difference of 22 months, I needed all the help I could get and yet I could not find it. When I did get it (i.e. found the best nanny in the world) it took me 9 months to trust her alone with my kids. After all these was my babies and they were my responsibility.
3. I did not get enough rest. I went back to work 3 months after baby #1 and we moved to India from the US - 2 months after baby #2. I had pneumonia - 1 week after I joined work post baby #1 and baby #1 had RSV and was hospitalized for 3 days a day after I started my pneumonia antibiotics. I see moms in India take long rests post delivery and 7 month maternity leaves and I think 'Why the heck did I not do that?'
4. I made my life child-centric. I refused to do anything that I could not take my children along with. As a result my life became about me and the babies and the world outside stopped. It was like a disaster waiting to happen.
5. I started gaining weight. While with baby #1 I had managed to stay fit post delivery, eating oats and drinking lots of milk. With baby # 2, I was in India, the land of Gulab jamun and fried 'Wadas'. I started to gain weight at the sight of these foods. Putting on weight... while you have nothing else going on in life, can really take that rock bottom self-esteem and drop it in deep oceans.
6. I did not seem to have time for anything other than the kiddos. When one was sleeping, the other was awake and the cycle continued. This gave me no time for myself. No time to read/watch TV or just be!

I wish I had sought help. But it was when I hit rock bottom that I even realized I was depressed. Till that point I thought it was hormonal and it would go away. One frustrated afternoon I broke down in front of DH crying and pouring out my heart on the way I felt. I think I left him very flustered. The biggest help you need while going through post-partum is your DH to actually know that you are depressed. He was shocked to even think I was depressed. Once I had DH on my side, things started taking an uphill turn!
1. I started to wake up early in the morning and DH would watch the kids if either of them woke up before 7 am. I would read! I started to cycle and I just enjoyed the clearing of my head the morning gave me. The cycling help me loose some of my baby fat and it almost gave me a goal to achieve!
2. I started to look for things to do outside the home. My only condition was that I would not leave the kids at home alone with the maid. DH had to be at home. Bangalore has plenty to do on weekends and so I found opportunities like baking, stitching and painting.
3. I started blogging. I was able to pour out my frustration and achievements over a white screen and it surely helped my head!

Now two years later, I am on constant watch for mood swings. I look for ways and means to lift myself up and I take a break when I need it. This does not involve running away from home, but it does involve being by myself.

When I see moms with newborns the advise I give is please take as much help as you can get. Help from in-laws, help from your parents, a nanny, a cook , whatever you can afford for at least a year.
And most important tell DH when you start to feel crazy in your head!

Quoting Aunty Acid!!!!

Mommy Evaluation

When I was single I never bothered what people thought. Even when I got married I really didnt care what people said or felt. I did as I pleased and as I thought appropriate. You could say I had the skin of a rhinocerous. Nothing affected me.
Somehow the after becoming a mommy my skin has become like the elephant. It may seem tough, but it is highly sensitive. I tend to hear things in super sonic mode. DH even tells me that I hear things that are not meant for me. Then I have the super-mom interpretation system. This seriously is the most annoying part. I take what people have 'probably' said, interpret it and blow it out of proportion!
Am I the only mommy who does it? And why did this change happen.
This weekend we spent some time with a few families and one particular brother (I say brother and not friend and you will realize why shortly) watched me reprimand Isaac. I was gentler than normal but this brother keeps telling me to be kinder. His usual words are 'Baccha hai ... mar daloge kya!' Its sounds very funny when you are trying to correct a 5 year old.
As I was correcting Isaac he looked at me and I laughed. Then he said this
'Whatever said and done, my wife and I think your kids are good!'
It was a completely unexpected statement and no one has really said this to me before. It felt like my yearly evaluation was done. I know DH would have just shrugged away this statement with a kind of  'Yes I know'. But for me I really needed to hear it. DH often appreciates my investment with the kids in terms of homeschooling and other stuff. But when you get an external review, its like icing on a yummy cake.
Why do we mommies need to hear this?

Guilt
Most mommies live with the constant guilt. Maybe for some its because we spend all our time with our kids and our children kind of reflect us is a lot of ways. For instance, Isaac was born a very calm and content child. For more of his first two years he rarely cried. But somewhere around 2 years the shit hit the fan and he had lost his calm nature. Somewhere during my second pregnancy, I had lost my cool. I started showing signs of pregnancy mood swings. I am sure Isaac must have been watching these behavioral changes and I feel that was the beginning of some of his anger issues. I now constantly spend time praying for him. We mommies live with the guilt that we can/ or may have messed up our kids.

Judgement
I read this article somewhere that said that if a dad brings a kid with a messy face, people around think its cute. But if a mom brings a kid with a messy face, she is judged as not doing enough for her children. Why does the world judge the daddy and mommy with different yard sticks? Somehow if a child is good the whole world compliments a father on how well he has raised them and if the child goes astray then its the mother's fault. Why is it that the responsibility is not shared equally?

Appreciation or lack thereof
This is my constant fight with DH. Most folks who go to work get a yearly evaluation. Some even get a salary hike if they  perform well. But somehow mommies who work hard day in and day out get no appraisal. We mommies don't need the salary hike. But the verbal appraisal is very important. The most important person to provide that should be DH. Wouldn't it be fun is maybe once a year we got a certificate saying ' Worlds best mommy 2014-2015'. I would totally love it!
Another aspect of this appraisal is when the outside world provides it. Daddies please stop taking all the glory and share it with mommy. Maybe even call it mommy and get the outsider to repeat comments. Believe me every mom loves hearing good things about their kids. DH is very good at this. Especially if someone comments on how we homeschool. I have heard him frequently say ' I really dont know how she (referring to me) keeps it all so organized.


To the world outside, if you see a mommy struggling with a child, remember we mommies are far more stressed than most CEO's. So give us freedom from our guilt trip and if you cannot say anything encouraging, don't say anything at all.
To all the mommies out there if I have ever said anything that made you feel condemned .. Please .. Please forgive me!

Mommy is sick

**Rant begins**
What happens when mommy falls sick?
I rarely fall sick ... at least in the past 3.5 years since moving to Bangalore ... Maybe I had a cold or tummy ache once or twice. Whenever I have a bad day with the kids ... I keep thinking ' God I wish I could call in sick to work tomorrow.'
Work is right here and falling sick makes no difference to anyone really. The chores are the same... the place is the same and the 'REST' is out of the question. Yes I do have a full time maid but the  maximum I can get is an extra half hour and that too gets taken up because I am just able to drag myself about the house to get things done before the crew is back in the house jumping on the bed ... yanking at each other guts and screaming bloody murder (actually Ziva is the only one who screams murder ... Isaac runs behind her just to hear her scream.)
Yes I am on a roll today. And I am whining. But after 4 days of headaches ... today I can actually think straight!.  And after this past week I am very grateful to God for Good health.
In the US, it is FLU season. I remember for the first 7 years wondering why people complained about getting the FLU. Then the 7th year I got it. THE FLU. I have never rolled out of bed before but those 7 days days in Feb 2008 I could do nothing but roll out! Luckily there were no kids and so lying in bed was allowed.
In 2010 about 3 months after Isaac was born, I was diagnosed with penumonia and while rest of was recommended ... mommy had a surprise waiting. Little boy Isaac was diagnosed with RSV and spent  4 days in the hospital. Sick mommy + sick baby makes a terrible combination.
 Then I had a three year break and 2011 Feb I got the FLU yet again. This time Isaac was around but I was pregnant and Ammachi and Appa took full charge of Isaac and I got to lie in bed again!
And here we are again 2015 and the FLU is back. I am trying to think whether the headaches were worse or driving to art and soccer class with the kids was worse. But I would drive any where just to have an hour of no kids and peace around me.
I think there is an unwritten rule book that says ' Mommy - thou shalt not fall sick'. Every time I pop vitamins and drink down gallons of water at the slightest sight of a cold ... Suresh says I am slowly bordering on becoming a hypochondriac. Then again I would prefer being a 'hypochondriac' Mommy than a 'sick' Mommy
Last week the FLU had hit Daddy too. Now I don't know if Daddy's just handle sickness better or they have a whole lot more strength than us. Daddy popped an antibiotic and a pain med, complained about his headache but carried on about his day as usual ... making me think that he went to work and slept it off!!!
I remember going to work with colds and headaches ... and I keep wondering whats different now. After all the bed is just a couple steps away. I think the key is psychology! At work I had the joy of going home early because of my 'ailment'. I remember the joy of filling in the form that said 'Sick' day and sending that email to the boss or calling in sick. After all we had 'SICK' days.
I think mommy's should have Sick days! Just so that we can claim it!

And guess what the next thing on my plate is bound to be?  With all my runny nose and sniffling and yet snuggling and co-sleeping, I am sure Isaac or Ziva are bound to come down with something and while Mommy gets no one to bring her hot soup/tea or tuck her into bed ... This mommy may be on nurse duty driving down medicine into a 3 and 5 year old! Lets stock up on the Vitamin C!

**Rant ends (does it really!!)**

Unsolicited Advise

A friend of mine was recently complaining about all the 'unsolicited' advise she got while on visit with some family. As I heard her vent, I chuckled. No! I was not laughing at her, I was laughing with her.
I had been there, felt that and wanted to throw a brick at the person giving me the advise/ suggestion/ vishesh tippany!
'When I am strict they tell me I am too strict and when I am not they tell me to be more strict!'
In situations like that we feel exasperated. We moms are the major receivers of these 'suggestions'. Dads either escape the situation or as my husband does, takes it through one ear and throws it out the other.
Me as a mom, I will take it and brood on it for the longest time. I cannot help it.
'Why do you correct him?'
'Why don't you correct him?'
'Do not yell at him?'
'Do not force him to eat more'
'Why don't you give him more to eat?'
'Why is he not putting on weight?'
'How could you let him fall? ' (Yes ... my child falling is entirely my fault and completely in my control!)
'Why don't you try to feed him ......?' (101 suggestions ... mainly from grand parents and grand aunts)

While we get a lot of suggestions from in-laws and parents and aunts and uncles, what I see is I mainly get advise from other mothers.
'Why don't you send him to school?'
'Why don't you feed him x,y and z?'
'Why don't you dress him warmer?'
'Why did you dress him ,,,?'

I could go on and on. But then I stop. Mainly because I find myself guilty of the above as well. I find myself giving 'unsolicited' advise ... frequently.

The other day as I was speaking to another mother  and she decided to vent. 'He doesn't eat anything!'. All she probably wanted was a listening ear. I decided to go on an advise spree.
'Have you tried  .....'
I found myself half way through listening to 'myself' speak. Why was I doing this?
So here is my urge mommies .... lets not do it to each other... give unsolicited advise. If you catch me ... proclaim me guilty.