Broken Hearted!

It seems surreal. The more I think of that day … that morning … the more it seems like a really bad dream that I wish I could wake up from. But the nightmare continues and the person who has left us all broken hearted is really gone. Forever! I do hope someday I can see him again. I hope someday I can give him the hug I did not give him the last time we met. The last conversation I remember with him was -- him telling me he was coming to Bangalore to shop for second hand books at Blossoms and me getting him to promise that he would take me along. Not because I could not go on my own… but he knew the place better and I bet he knew where the good books would be sitting. Blossoms your regular book worm will not be coming back!

The time was 5:30 am the call was to Suresh’s phone but the call was from my side of the family. My heart started pounding immediately … expecting bad news … but I did not think it would be this bad. I heard only one side of the conversation …

Suresh: I cannot hear you cheta … you are breaking up …. What! … And ? What are you saying cheta?

And just like that in a few seconds … the youngest in our batch of cousins was gone! Gone forever. He was 10 years younger than me and so it wasn’t like we shared the strongest bonds. But I have so many memories from our childhood. Pinching his cheeks … kissing him because he hated girls. That was his favourite dialogue ‘I don’t like girls’ … made us girl cousins enjoy annoy him even more by kissing his cheeks.

A few days ago his brother shared with us a page from his dairy that talked about our native place and I remember the sitting on one of those walls along those fields on a wall talking about ‘Charles in Charge’ or some other American serial … and I wondered how even though he was 10 years younger than me, he knew about it.

Among my early memories of Pappu or Vivek as he was officially known was sitting in the living room of their living quarters and watching some documentary on Swami Vivekananda. The narrator mentioned that ‘Vivek’ meant Knowledge. Pappu about 3 or 4 I think (maybe younger) looked up from him game of something and looked intently at the TV. Then he turned to his father and said ‘Vivek’. I still remember the pride on Uncle’s face that in between all the games this boy had heard his name among all the other droning that the narrator had gone on about!

I left for the US at 22 … that means he must have been 12. When he moved to Mumbai for Med school I was not there and I feel like I missed a lot of his life. I always thought I would get a chance to bond once I got back to India. But he was busy and I was crazy. But it always seemed like when we met … we had never missed a moment in each other life. That was Pappu. He never made you feel distant of like an introduction to what was going on was needed. He always knew where to start the conversation and how to keep it going without hurting anyone or digging into deep wounds. I always called him diplomatic. He managed to stay in everyone’s good books. I even remember thinking once… I got to learn that art from him. And yet in the midst of all this he was watching us keenly … and being part of our life.

When someone older goes away forever … you somehow make your peace with it. But when someone younger and so much younger goes … peace seems so distant and the constant word in my mind is – Why?

We were all eagerly waiting for him to get married. All us girl cousins had this tag line – ‘ We need to buy a new dress’ and I think he once said … why do I need to get married for that – I can buy you one right away.

 

It wouldn’t be the same … nothing will be the same. Anything that this family now gets together for will constantly feel the vacuum of your loss Pappu. You landed for everything no matter which part of the country your were in … no matter what exams you had. We all have photos with you at our weddings and we are so grateful for that time.

The last time we met, I asked him ‘Da whats your plan?’ and he went into a passionate narration of how he was going to get into literature. You could hear the excitement in his voice even as he spoke about how hard it was to get into the University he wanted to study at. I told him how jealous I was that he was following his heart and I told him that if anyone was giving him a hard time, it was because they were not brave enough to follow their heart. I should have hugged him tight that time … but like an older sister who didn’t want to spoil her little brother I gave him a pat on his shoulder and he went away.

What do I say about him … being the youngest and a boy and a doctor you would think he would be spoilt rotten … but he was level headed, calm, and never let the good grades or the Med School admission get to his head. When I spoke to his school friends they all had this common thing to say – he never had to study! That was not the Pappu who showed up at all the weddings. He always asked questions and listened like he was gaining some knowledge from you.

As I waited in that house to watch him make his last journey, I kept telling myself I should just leave. I saw him there all wrapped up and with a smile on his face. I just wanted to leave. But every time I talked about booking tickets, I felt I would be leaving him in between something. And so I saw him all the way to pyre. And just like that you were gone. Vivek Krishnan I am so grateful to have you as my brother. You have affected my life without even me realizing it. You have left us all broken-hearted!

I can see whats happening ... but they don't have a clue ---- Lion King 'Can you feel the love'

I can see what's happening
 (What?)
And they don't have a clue
 (Who?)
They'll fall in love and here's the bottom line
Our trio's down to two.
 (Oh.)

The sweet caress of twilight
There's magic everywhere
And with all this romantic atmosphere
Disaster's in the air

Can you feel the love tonight?
The peace the evening brings
The world, for once, in perfect harmony
With all its living things

--------- Lion King 'Can you feel the love'

And just like .... one more is gone! When I say gone ... I mean married ... in love and gone. We may always be cousins ... but I know that when you are as much in love as he is ... you spend a lot of time on that new relationship. That is the way it should be too!

From Kartik and Vidya with love .... that was the name of their drink on their special evening. A sparkly blue tingly sweet taste on the tongue... just to let you know what the new couple was feeling deep inside as they officially stepped out of courtship into 'married' by law! A fantastic wedding. Beautiful colors, amazing clothes, a ceremony without confusion and with a lot of emotion, the best food ever and of course an awesome night of dance with strangers making it easy to lose all inhibition.

Kartik is my second to last cousin to be married. Yes he had to burden seven cousins on his moms sides getting married. To me he is the scariest, mainly because I have been beaten up by him when I was a kid even though I was 7 or 8 years older than him. That is the story I have told of him again and again. But I think I may now change it to man I know who openly has professed his love more than once to the lady love of his life. 

It isn't often that a man in my family does that. I am so happy to see his boy grow up to become a man who can take love and talk about it so boldly. Rarely do you see a man say he fell flat for his lady love. In this case it seems like it was on first sight. Most of my 'boy' cousins love talking about how their freedom is lost and how they bachelor life is OVER... (Like most of them even had a life)

Kartik has shown himself to be so different and for this I am so happy. 

Happy that he has found his lady love.

Happy that he has the guts to say it out loud.

Happy that he is happy to be in love and married to Vidya.

And Sooo Happy that he gave her kiss in front of an entire crowd of Indian folks. 

The song from Lion King ends with these lines ... 

And if he falls in love tonight
It can be assumed
His carefree days with us are history
In short, our pal is doomed

Cuzzz... you are so doomed in love ...:)


I just had to edit this blog to add a little snippet form Vidya's uncle. Am so happy for those doomed in love

For the record let me state that Vidya is completely bowled over by Karthik! I am so happy for both of them. Even if they are doomed......it is in their own 'Wonderland' and I am sure they will cherish it for the rest of their lives. 
---- Venkatesh Vasudevan

Happy Birthday

Here is a holler of a 'happy birthday' to a very special brother!


He is nice and mean all in one piece. He is shrewd and 'pavam' mixed together. But he is a perfect mix! He knows how to make you feel special and then he completely ignores you!

He is younger than me and has still taught me so many things. The most important one, I am not sure whether I will forgive him for, is TATKAL tickets on IRCTC!
He is my goto person for which Malayalam movies to watch. Though most of the time I want to kill him after I watch the movie.

He made our anniversary very special this past December (2012). I am not sure if he knows that my favorite thing about any party is games. He actually organized a treasure hunt, all included, with Sudoku and running around the house and somehow managed to get us (Suresh and me) to win. The prize -- Anniversary cake.

Favorite memories of being with you - brother - Me 'Kooaling' (yelling) in a movie theater with him on one side and him violently shaking my hand saying 'Chechy please -- I may know people in here'

Favorite thing you have done that shows that you care and listen - When we just moved to Bangalore I was frantically searching for a baby nail cutter since Ziva was scratching her face off. After a couple of failed attempts we gave up. That night brother came home from hanging out with his friends and he pulled out from his pocket a baby nail cutter. I still think of you, brother, when I use the cutter to chop Isaac and Ziva's nails. I hope one day - I can give that to you as a 'something borrowed' (very american thing) when you have your first baby with that Malayalee girl who speaks Malayalam worse than me! നെറ്റൂരനോടനോട നിന്ടെ കളി

Here is wishing you a very very happy birthday Aiju --- May the Lord മുക്കാൽ you soon!
In all seriousness
May the Lord bless you! May he make his face shine upon you!

But I'm sad to say, I'm on my way Won't be back for many a day

But I'm sad to say, I'm on my way

Won't be back for many a day

My heart is down, my head is turning around

I had to leave a little girl in Kingston town

Sounds of laughter everywhere

And the dancing girls swaying to and fro

I must declare that my heart is there

Though I've been from Maine to Mexico

That's the song Suresh and I sang as we boarded the flight from Tampa, Florida to come back to Baltimore, Maryland.

Reasons for being sad

1. 70 F in Tampa , 28 F when we landed in Baltimore

2. Vacation .. Vacation ... Vacation

3. Leaving behind a little girl called Anna and her Amma and Appa

Camping - Loft Mountain 2006

Its fun to go on vacations. Its more fun when you go to meet cousins. Its even more fun when the cousin is like a sibling! Suresh and I spent a week (Suresh will correct me at this point and say - 8 days) in Tampa, Fl with my cousin Reshma, her hubby Aby and bubbly little Anna all of two years.

Reshma and I have practically grown up together. We spent every single summer together since I was 13 and she was 11. Before that she and her family visited every year from Dubai. It was the most fun time. I still remember sincerely praying to God to let it rain hard so that the schools would close so I could spend the day at home with my cuuzzzin. She is what I call my best friend/cousin.

Reshma, Suresh and I - James River 2006

It’s also nice that the co-brothers get along well and have similar interests.. e.g. Getting their wives off the couch :). Before the kidlings were not born and we hung out - it was hard to calm Aby and Suresh to sit at home. Hiking, Camping, Sking, Canoeing, Kayaking, Theme parks etc. Anything in the vicinity that would take Reshma and me away from our Malayalam movie were schemed by the co-brothers. They both also loved looking at the map to the 'point of interest' in much detail. We now lovingly call it the 'birds eye view' that both of them must have before we set out on a trip even though we have the most wonderful thing called GPS.

Aby and Suresh.. Camping at Twin Lakes 2005)

For me the vacation to Tampa was a much needed change and truly a vacation. The best thing about going to Reshma's place is that she kicks you out of her kitchen -- which I appreciate :). While she makes yummy stuff that we then pig on. This time it was the most awesome Masala Dosa (Sorry no pictures! - we were too busy eating)

As we got the two kidlings together it was so much fun to see them laugh, play and occasionally poke each other in the eye. Anna is 2 years and 4 months and Isaac is about 15 months. So it is the right age difference that they play with each other and keep each other busy.

Tired after Lowry Zoo

Anna is a late riser and a late to bed goer. Isaac on the other hand is an early riser and an early bed goer. It was interesting to see how they changed their sleep patterns. Anna would wake up earlier than her usual time and Isaac would go 1-2 hrs past his bedtime. It seemed like they knew that the vacation would soon be over.

In 8 days - we visited the park several times, went for walks, stood on the deck and stared at people walking their dogs, visited Lowry park zoo, the Children's Museum, Clearwater beach and the Manatee viewing center.

By Friday - I was feeling like I had done nothing - which was a really good feeling. Relaxation!

Now that we are back in Baltimore- I couldn’t feel bluer. Looking forward to visiting the cuzzins soon or having them come over!

Psalm 133

The Excellency of Brotherly Unity.

A Song of Ascents, of David.

1Behold, how good and how pleasant it is

For brothers (or sisters?) to dwell together in unity!

2It is like the precious oil upon the head,

Coming down upon the beard,

Even Aaron's beard,

Coming down upon the edge of his robes.

3It is like the dew of Hermon

Coming down upon the mountains of Zion;

For there the LORD commanded the blessing--life forever.