Touching a chord we have lost! #empathy

I dont like everyday to be the same. I want school to be a tad bit different each day. I like routine but I do want to make a difference in my kids lives.

One morning as I was searching for something on Youtube I came across this video

I got very emotional. Every time I watch a video like this, I feel- What am I doing! There is so much more I can do. I should be volunteering and working for the poor or doing some social service or raising funds or reading to the blind or something more dramatic!
But where is the time - with two. I am barely able to finish reading to these two. Forget reading to the world.
I showed the video to Isaac and Ziva expecting the same reaction. But they just watched and it seemed like there was not much reaction and I began to feel ' Am I creating a robot?'  Far worse 'Am I creating a child with no emotional quotient?'

In this world that focuses so much on the IQ of a people, very little importance is given to the emotional quotient. I copy below from wikipedia
Emotional intelligence (EI) is the capability of individuals to recognize their own, and other people's emotions, to discern between different feelings and label them appropriately, to use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior, and to manage and/or adjust emotions to adapt environments or achieve one's goal(s)


While emotions range a vast variety of feelings, empathy is something that may not be high on the list. We would love to discern when someone is angry and stay away from the person or when someone is happy and be part of the fun. But are we able to discern when someone needs empathy.
We love sympathy. We love giving it and we love getting it. As my husband frequently quotes 'Pity party'
But are we willing to put ourselves in the shoe of someone and feel how they are feeling. Are we teaching our children the meaning of the word 'empathy'. Are we more interested in teaching them to survive a over competitive world? Are we teaching them to stop and wait when someone is hurting or needs help, or just go by because time is so important?
As part of our homeschooling curriculum, we are reading missionary stories. As we read aloud to the kids, both me and DH find ourselves frequently crying. One particular story, I was barely get on with the words, Ziva asked me ' Amma why are you sad?'
'I don't know why Ziva' I had to reply. It wasn't that I knew anybody in the story. It wasn't that they were family or some dear/near one was involved. This was just some random person in some random place far far away.
And yet I could not keep myself from being in their shoes and weeping. Ziva who did not totally understand, just decided to to come very close and hug me.

We have been recently enjoying the song 'Zombie' by Cranberries and these words struck me as part of the lyrics
----------------------------------
But you see it's not me
It's not my family
In your head, in your
Head they are fighting
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Will you cry if its not your family?
Will it effect you if you don't know anyone who is blind?
Will it matter if you have not watched someone suffer of a dreaded illness
Will it?

Siblings and all that ... Jazz

I remember when I was growing up... people would come up to my mom and  say 'Two girls'  and '3 years apart' ... 'oh they must not fight at all'. My sister and I we fought like cats and dogs! We used words a lot and we got on each others nerves all the time. My mom had to constantly yell  'If I come there both of you are going to get it.' - Reminds me of Russell Peters  'Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad'
We also were inseparable (At least till she got married and I left for the US). And that is the other side of this sibling coin. I cried when she got beaten and she fought for me (to get my parents approval) when I wanted to marry a man of my choice. Do I need say more?

When I had Isaac and Ziva with a 22 months space, I knew the nightmare would come. Someone told me 'Don't worry, they will be really close'.
Yes Maybe - but 'Payback's a *&^%$!'.
I am sure I gave plenty of grief to my mother, so it was my time now.   I watched my sister deal with my nephew and niece and I realized any age gap and the sibling jazz was bound to dazzle us all. And now its my turn

I am seriously tired of the  yells and screams coming from the basement. ‘Amma she is not sharing with me.’  ...'Amma he is looking at me!' ....Really !! Another favorite place for them to fight is in the the back seat of the car. 'Amma his leg is close to my car seat.'
I find myself frequently saying 'If I come there .. you both are going to get it'

Sometimes its minor tugs and pulls while others are more emotional and long-lasting fights and it seems like they may kill each other.
I know these sibling quarrels are a common occurrence in most households. But I have started thinking of how I can set the rules so we can have a calmer day. Especially since we homeschool - Isaac and Ziva just have to get along for more than a seconds!
Suresh keeps saying set the rules and if they dont abide its time for the rod. But what are the rules and should I read it out to them like the ten commandments!

Commandments:  As in every household the most important thing is ‘Rules’. No one likes them! But everyone must follow them! Here would be my commandments for the Joel Household for the next few years
1. No hitting,
2. No name calling
3. No hoarding
That's it ! If I can just get them to abide by these, the world would be more peaceful.
But it does seem like sharing is the toughest. Yes - especially in a household where there are over a thousand toys both will have a tug off for one toy. And of course we are almost going to the point of  'I had it first' . So what do I do. ' No share - no play'. It works! They both cry for a while and then its almost like they gang up against me and play together with a completely different toy!

Good Job: The best sprinkling of masala over the wound at this time is. Good Job guys! I am so proud of you two sharing and I have my babies back in my arms! Now Ziva has even started asking me. 'Amma are you happy with Isaac and Me'!

Wearing my boxing gloves: Sometimes, though it does seem like I have to get down in the boxing ring and separate them! And this is when we use the hug theory. Hug, are the best thing, I have realized, and use it commonly when there has been a physical fight. Its not possible for me to always use my eight eyes and watch who started the fight or who pushed whom. Conversations are not entirely clear and this seems like the perfect time to talk about forgiveness. Usually in this case no one is innocent. So we go into hug mode. 'Isaac and Ziva hug each other. Now say I am sorry.' This is irrespective of who had done IT! And I think its not the words ... but the touch that makes them both melt down and again in 5 minutes we have WORLD PEACE.

Unity in Adversity: 'Isaac you must protect Ziva. Ziva listen to Isaac he will take care of you.' I found him 20 minutes later sitting next to her quietly watching her. She too was sitting besides him and they had not pulled each others hair out. Somehow when you make the family claim, even kids seem to understand the song 'We are family'. Best way to leave them alone and hope for peace - Add a touch of responsibility!'

Who's dunn it!: And then there are those times when you just got to know who is the culprit. This may be the broken phone that they were both yanking at or the TV that just wont switch ON because both wanted to turn it ON. You just got to know. Currently we use books for various characteristics. We have a series called Bubbles  and one particular one is  'Bubbles Owns up' ... There are tons more about not fighting with other, Not being a spoil-sport. And recently we found one very good one about not teasing your sibling. It hit a home-run with Isaac and now all I have to say is 'Remember how Pipo was mean to his sister' Lot of perspective. And it works way better than me screaming 'SHARE' or 'BE NICE'. The books are nice because they are so non-judgemental

Vishesh Tippany (Translated special message): I am slowly also realizing using myself as a example may also help the kids relate to relationships and their value. So I guess Isaac and Ziva are going to here a lot of stories about Amma and 'Mona Velliamma' and of course 'Ammachi!'

At the end of the day I just got to remember that I too  have waged the sibling war and turned out fine. The key is to keep the whole sibling rivalry healthy with plenty of love and forgiveness and HUGs!

Broken Hearted!

It seems surreal. The more I think of that day … that morning … the more it seems like a really bad dream that I wish I could wake up from. But the nightmare continues and the person who has left us all broken hearted is really gone. Forever! I do hope someday I can see him again. I hope someday I can give him the hug I did not give him the last time we met. The last conversation I remember with him was -- him telling me he was coming to Bangalore to shop for second hand books at Blossoms and me getting him to promise that he would take me along. Not because I could not go on my own… but he knew the place better and I bet he knew where the good books would be sitting. Blossoms your regular book worm will not be coming back!

The time was 5:30 am the call was to Suresh’s phone but the call was from my side of the family. My heart started pounding immediately … expecting bad news … but I did not think it would be this bad. I heard only one side of the conversation …

Suresh: I cannot hear you cheta … you are breaking up …. What! … And ? What are you saying cheta?

And just like that in a few seconds … the youngest in our batch of cousins was gone! Gone forever. He was 10 years younger than me and so it wasn’t like we shared the strongest bonds. But I have so many memories from our childhood. Pinching his cheeks … kissing him because he hated girls. That was his favourite dialogue ‘I don’t like girls’ … made us girl cousins enjoy annoy him even more by kissing his cheeks.

A few days ago his brother shared with us a page from his dairy that talked about our native place and I remember the sitting on one of those walls along those fields on a wall talking about ‘Charles in Charge’ or some other American serial … and I wondered how even though he was 10 years younger than me, he knew about it.

Among my early memories of Pappu or Vivek as he was officially known was sitting in the living room of their living quarters and watching some documentary on Swami Vivekananda. The narrator mentioned that ‘Vivek’ meant Knowledge. Pappu about 3 or 4 I think (maybe younger) looked up from him game of something and looked intently at the TV. Then he turned to his father and said ‘Vivek’. I still remember the pride on Uncle’s face that in between all the games this boy had heard his name among all the other droning that the narrator had gone on about!

I left for the US at 22 … that means he must have been 12. When he moved to Mumbai for Med school I was not there and I feel like I missed a lot of his life. I always thought I would get a chance to bond once I got back to India. But he was busy and I was crazy. But it always seemed like when we met … we had never missed a moment in each other life. That was Pappu. He never made you feel distant of like an introduction to what was going on was needed. He always knew where to start the conversation and how to keep it going without hurting anyone or digging into deep wounds. I always called him diplomatic. He managed to stay in everyone’s good books. I even remember thinking once… I got to learn that art from him. And yet in the midst of all this he was watching us keenly … and being part of our life.

When someone older goes away forever … you somehow make your peace with it. But when someone younger and so much younger goes … peace seems so distant and the constant word in my mind is – Why?

We were all eagerly waiting for him to get married. All us girl cousins had this tag line – ‘ We need to buy a new dress’ and I think he once said … why do I need to get married for that – I can buy you one right away.

 

It wouldn’t be the same … nothing will be the same. Anything that this family now gets together for will constantly feel the vacuum of your loss Pappu. You landed for everything no matter which part of the country your were in … no matter what exams you had. We all have photos with you at our weddings and we are so grateful for that time.

The last time we met, I asked him ‘Da whats your plan?’ and he went into a passionate narration of how he was going to get into literature. You could hear the excitement in his voice even as he spoke about how hard it was to get into the University he wanted to study at. I told him how jealous I was that he was following his heart and I told him that if anyone was giving him a hard time, it was because they were not brave enough to follow their heart. I should have hugged him tight that time … but like an older sister who didn’t want to spoil her little brother I gave him a pat on his shoulder and he went away.

What do I say about him … being the youngest and a boy and a doctor you would think he would be spoilt rotten … but he was level headed, calm, and never let the good grades or the Med School admission get to his head. When I spoke to his school friends they all had this common thing to say – he never had to study! That was not the Pappu who showed up at all the weddings. He always asked questions and listened like he was gaining some knowledge from you.

As I waited in that house to watch him make his last journey, I kept telling myself I should just leave. I saw him there all wrapped up and with a smile on his face. I just wanted to leave. But every time I talked about booking tickets, I felt I would be leaving him in between something. And so I saw him all the way to pyre. And just like that you were gone. Vivek Krishnan I am so grateful to have you as my brother. You have affected my life without even me realizing it. You have left us all broken-hearted!

Genetics

Genetics is fabulous....
No - not the subject that teaches you about X and Y chromosomes (or talks about dreadful diseases)

But the one that you see with your own eyes when you look at a child and say ... 'You look exactly like your dad/ mom'

I remember my friend Anita's husband saying, a long time ago, its amazing how kids look like a combination of both parents! Amazing indeed -- its another sign that we have an amazing God who knows how to form us 'Fearfully and wonderfully'

For I was fearfully and wonderfully made
Why fearfully -- because he did not want to make even one error --- i.e. you are perfect. And why do I believe I am 'wonderful' because I see Ziva and Isaac each day and I can see a little or a lot of me in them - and I believe they are wonderfully created!

I always believed I was adopted when I was growing up --- some kind of a strange complex because I never got treated well by my relatives ... rather I felt that way... One day Suresh and I were talking about strange complexes and I shared this childhood fear that I had and he laughed ....'Do you see how identical you two look- Mona and you ... You could be twins'. Mona is my sister --- older by 3 years. I actually still don't see it! The similarity ... neither does she.

But what I do see is how our family is split. As someone in our park said - 'Your family is divided well. Ziva looks just like you and Isaac looks just like Suresh'
I can see Ziva looking like me but I see a lot of characteristic behaviour of mine showing up in Isaac. I was just thinking this when Suresh says 'Isaac looks so much like Grace!'. Grace is my 13 soon to be 14 year old neice.  I rummaged through all Grace's old pictures to find a perfect match and finally gave up and went back to Suresh. He pulled up this picture and said - 'Its not how they look like each other - rather some kind of behaviour similarity.'
I looked at the picture again and saw it!

There is also the case when you look at someone next to someone and they look alike... or is it still genetics. Here is a picture of Ziva with my aunt. i.e. her grand aunt. I have been told often that I resemble my aunt and in this picture I feel Ziva looks like her.

We were on a vacation with another couple (Veena and Satheesh) when at the breakfast table an exasperated Satheesh said something to the extent of 'exactly like mother'. Veena had this thousand watt smile on her face. It wasnt a flattering similarity .... but Veena took it just as the biggest compliment. What is it about us moms and dads that we want our kids to look like us or behave like us.
I told a father that his daughter looked liked him -- and he was overjoyed --- he even went home and told his wife -- 'See there are people who think T looks like me'

Have to end this one with a little bit of an emotional twist ... Its a time like this when everyone says ... you are just like your mom or just like your dad ... that Suresh misses his mom and I miss my dad. If  anyone asks my my mom if my kids look or behave like me she just shrugs her shoulders and says 'I dont remember'. But I remember my dad bringing out  my sisters baby pictures when my niece was born and showing it to everyone who came to the see the  baby, ... the similarity!
We were at Suresh's friend's place and his friend's mom had a slip of tongue ... calling her grandson by her son's name. A moment like that ... and Suresh is reminded about all the stories his mother would have told of how naughty or good he was as a kid  and how Isaac /Ziva was exactly the same as dad!

So who do you look like?
So guess the folk in the pictures below

Pic1

Pic2

Pic3

Pic4

Happy Birthday

Here is a holler of a 'happy birthday' to a very special brother!


He is nice and mean all in one piece. He is shrewd and 'pavam' mixed together. But he is a perfect mix! He knows how to make you feel special and then he completely ignores you!

He is younger than me and has still taught me so many things. The most important one, I am not sure whether I will forgive him for, is TATKAL tickets on IRCTC!
He is my goto person for which Malayalam movies to watch. Though most of the time I want to kill him after I watch the movie.

He made our anniversary very special this past December (2012). I am not sure if he knows that my favorite thing about any party is games. He actually organized a treasure hunt, all included, with Sudoku and running around the house and somehow managed to get us (Suresh and me) to win. The prize -- Anniversary cake.

Favorite memories of being with you - brother - Me 'Kooaling' (yelling) in a movie theater with him on one side and him violently shaking my hand saying 'Chechy please -- I may know people in here'

Favorite thing you have done that shows that you care and listen - When we just moved to Bangalore I was frantically searching for a baby nail cutter since Ziva was scratching her face off. After a couple of failed attempts we gave up. That night brother came home from hanging out with his friends and he pulled out from his pocket a baby nail cutter. I still think of you, brother, when I use the cutter to chop Isaac and Ziva's nails. I hope one day - I can give that to you as a 'something borrowed' (very american thing) when you have your first baby with that Malayalee girl who speaks Malayalam worse than me! നെറ്റൂരനോടനോട നിന്ടെ കളി

Here is wishing you a very very happy birthday Aiju --- May the Lord മുക്കാൽ you soon!
In all seriousness
May the Lord bless you! May he make his face shine upon you!