Siblings and all that ... Jazz

I remember when I was growing up... people would come up to my mom and  say 'Two girls'  and '3 years apart' ... 'oh they must not fight at all'. My sister and I we fought like cats and dogs! We used words a lot and we got on each others nerves all the time. My mom had to constantly yell  'If I come there both of you are going to get it.' - Reminds me of Russell Peters  'Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad'
We also were inseparable (At least till she got married and I left for the US). And that is the other side of this sibling coin. I cried when she got beaten and she fought for me (to get my parents approval) when I wanted to marry a man of my choice. Do I need say more?

When I had Isaac and Ziva with a 22 months space, I knew the nightmare would come. Someone told me 'Don't worry, they will be really close'.
Yes Maybe - but 'Payback's a *&^%$!'.
I am sure I gave plenty of grief to my mother, so it was my time now.   I watched my sister deal with my nephew and niece and I realized any age gap and the sibling jazz was bound to dazzle us all. And now its my turn

I am seriously tired of the  yells and screams coming from the basement. ‘Amma she is not sharing with me.’  ...'Amma he is looking at me!' ....Really !! Another favorite place for them to fight is in the the back seat of the car. 'Amma his leg is close to my car seat.'
I find myself frequently saying 'If I come there .. you both are going to get it'

Sometimes its minor tugs and pulls while others are more emotional and long-lasting fights and it seems like they may kill each other.
I know these sibling quarrels are a common occurrence in most households. But I have started thinking of how I can set the rules so we can have a calmer day. Especially since we homeschool - Isaac and Ziva just have to get along for more than a seconds!
Suresh keeps saying set the rules and if they dont abide its time for the rod. But what are the rules and should I read it out to them like the ten commandments!

Commandments:  As in every household the most important thing is ‘Rules’. No one likes them! But everyone must follow them! Here would be my commandments for the Joel Household for the next few years
1. No hitting,
2. No name calling
3. No hoarding
That's it ! If I can just get them to abide by these, the world would be more peaceful.
But it does seem like sharing is the toughest. Yes - especially in a household where there are over a thousand toys both will have a tug off for one toy. And of course we are almost going to the point of  'I had it first' . So what do I do. ' No share - no play'. It works! They both cry for a while and then its almost like they gang up against me and play together with a completely different toy!

Good Job: The best sprinkling of masala over the wound at this time is. Good Job guys! I am so proud of you two sharing and I have my babies back in my arms! Now Ziva has even started asking me. 'Amma are you happy with Isaac and Me'!

Wearing my boxing gloves: Sometimes, though it does seem like I have to get down in the boxing ring and separate them! And this is when we use the hug theory. Hug, are the best thing, I have realized, and use it commonly when there has been a physical fight. Its not possible for me to always use my eight eyes and watch who started the fight or who pushed whom. Conversations are not entirely clear and this seems like the perfect time to talk about forgiveness. Usually in this case no one is innocent. So we go into hug mode. 'Isaac and Ziva hug each other. Now say I am sorry.' This is irrespective of who had done IT! And I think its not the words ... but the touch that makes them both melt down and again in 5 minutes we have WORLD PEACE.

Unity in Adversity: 'Isaac you must protect Ziva. Ziva listen to Isaac he will take care of you.' I found him 20 minutes later sitting next to her quietly watching her. She too was sitting besides him and they had not pulled each others hair out. Somehow when you make the family claim, even kids seem to understand the song 'We are family'. Best way to leave them alone and hope for peace - Add a touch of responsibility!'

Who's dunn it!: And then there are those times when you just got to know who is the culprit. This may be the broken phone that they were both yanking at or the TV that just wont switch ON because both wanted to turn it ON. You just got to know. Currently we use books for various characteristics. We have a series called Bubbles  and one particular one is  'Bubbles Owns up' ... There are tons more about not fighting with other, Not being a spoil-sport. And recently we found one very good one about not teasing your sibling. It hit a home-run with Isaac and now all I have to say is 'Remember how Pipo was mean to his sister' Lot of perspective. And it works way better than me screaming 'SHARE' or 'BE NICE'. The books are nice because they are so non-judgemental

Vishesh Tippany (Translated special message): I am slowly also realizing using myself as a example may also help the kids relate to relationships and their value. So I guess Isaac and Ziva are going to here a lot of stories about Amma and 'Mona Velliamma' and of course 'Ammachi!'

At the end of the day I just got to remember that I too  have waged the sibling war and turned out fine. The key is to keep the whole sibling rivalry healthy with plenty of love and forgiveness and HUGs!

Sibling Conversation

Years ago I remember my sister tell someone who had a single child - that sibling relationship was very important. While the argument from the opposite side was that cousins were enough - my sister vehemently said - its not the same as having a sibling
I did not think much about it then. Mainly because I did not even have one child at that point and the hope of having one was slowly dwindling away.
And then I had one ....... And then I had a second one.
And most days now I think that my head is going to explode with their arguments. Because boy they can drive you up the walls!
But then there are those treasured conversations and those cute role plays that make it all fall into place. And now my sister's argument makes complete sense.

Most of the conversation in the back of the car are
'He's looking at me'
'She pulled my hair!'
'His leg is on my car seat!'
'She is singing the song wrong!'

AAAA... its never ending. But the sweet ones make you touch your chest and sigh!
Ziva - ' You are a boy no ... I am a girl no!'
(The saying 'no' after each sentence ... is a recent addition to our syntax)
Isaac looks out of the window bored.

Ziva- ' You like boys no ... I like girls no!'

Mommy is pissed. Isaac still looks bored

Me - ' Why Ziva you dont like boys?'
Her all time favorite cousin is Mark and so I am confident she likes boys!

Ziva - 'Yes' (Suddenly looking confused)
Me - 'Which boy do you like the best?'

Silence from Ziva

Me - 'Isaac which girl do you like the best?'
I was confident that he would name some random girl in the park.

Isaac - 'Ziva'
Achoooo da! If I did not have to have two hands on the steering wheel and legs on the pedals, I would have turned around and hugged him!

I am sure he will rub off on my little girl too!

Keeping it equal - The sibling story

I always feel that everything should be equal between Isaac and Ziva. When Suresh opened a bank account for ISaac. I made sure one was opened for Ziva and when he dumped in some money into Isaac's account, I made sure he put in something into Ziva's account. It did not matter that both amounts just got swept off into FD's with high yields for Mom and Dad. It had to be equal! What if Ziva opened the bank account statement one day and saw the discrepancies in the amounts! Yes - I am paranoid. And Yes I am overestimating my little ones capabilities (or shrewdness). And Yes it does seem that somewhere in my childhood, I may have been scarred as the neglected/forgotten second daughter.

My councellor/ physcologist friends if you think I am over analyzing read below.
If I go to buy clothes for Isaac, I will buy at least one small thing for Ziva -- may it be even a bloomer! If I stitch Ziva a new dress ... I stitch Isaac a new vest.

When Isaac started Art class and I was feeling really bad of always leaving Ziva  at home with the maid. So I started a 'Mom and me' - Toddler program where Ziva and I could go and spend two hours together once a week at a play group. I was so determined that it be a Ziva and me 'only' time that on the last class when Ziva's teachers suggested I should bring Isaac along, I paused, thought and then refused saying this was special for Ziva.

I recently got the sonlight cirriculum and there was a workbook in it. So Ziva is going to get all of Isaac's second hand books. Now there is a workbook set in there. To keep things equal, I decided to make copies of this and use bound Xeroxes for both of them and keep the original as a reference.

I know its getting crazy right! But I only realized how crazy I am today! I got some groceries ordered in - and one item was a Chocos cereal box and with it came a 'Magic spoon'. I looked at the box and almost came upstairs to order another box with the hope that I would get one more 'Magic spoon'- It had to be equal. I stopped half way through ordering and started typing this blog!

The craziness has to end. I can be equal in another way. At least with things that are common to both Isaac and Ziva.

So tomorrow when we eat Chocos, they will both get bowls of milk and Chocos and ONE Magic spoon. Isaac will get one use of the spoon and then Ziva will get one use. And thus we shall learn to share everything possible (including cooties from each other mouth - if it helps Amma's insanity with equality)

Now the question rises - who should get to use it first.


Please pray for me as I approach this new phase of insanity.