My season of Unforgiveness

PC: ME

I am in His presence and I can feel it.
But in these seasons ... I feel alone.
I struggle with my emotions.
To stay right here
Or to rise up and fly again



I have always had this problem with forgiving people.
A lot of people have the other problem. Asking for forgiveness. As Suresh frequently tells me ... as a child he would never say 'Sorry'.
I don't seem to have much of a problem with saying Sorry! Especially if I know I did wrong.  I have been willing to restore relationships by saying sorry. But I have been unable to build a relationship based on giving forgiveness.

 I did a small bible study and I was not able to relate much to the reason of the unforgiveness theories.
1. I do not underestimate the amount my Father in heaven has forgiven me
2. I am also not the unkind manager. I do understand that there may be people who cannot forgive me. I can pray for them.

As I sit brooding here about my incapacity to forgive, my thoughts take me to the people who I have a tough time forgiving. I have realized that they are people I love a lot .... I mean a lot.
They are also people I look up to. Like 'Role Model'. And in the midst of my brooding I realize that my season for unforgiveness comes up with the the reason of expectation.
I expected too much from these people. These are people I consider close friends, mentors and relatives who I honor and love.  There are people I look up to. No I don't seek their approval. But in my mind I believe they can do no wrong.
This is where I fail. Because there are after all 'people'. Me looking up to them, honoring them, loving them... etc ... doesn't stop them from being people.
When they hurt me, offend me and sometimes destroy a certain passion in me, I lose my faith in humanity. I now realize, my faith in humanity is not what will keep me. It is my faith in Christ.
My desire to look up to these people and expect from them a relationship without offense in unrealistic.
The only one I can look up to is Jesus.
It seems sad that I cannot have a role model. The only role model I can and should have is Christ.
Does it justify my lack of forgiveness? Does it give me an excuse to slip out of one of the key portions of the Lords prayer? No it definitely does not!
But at least I understand my struggle better.
We can try and do all kinds of bible studies and even read up devotionals on issues and struggles we have. But in the end we have to sit quietly in His presence and ask Him to speak to us on our struggles.
How does figuring out that my issues is not really with unforgiveness but rather the expectation of near perfection from these people help me?
Well I now pray to God to help me expect less. I pray to God to look only to Him as my role model.  I pray to God that I realize that as ordinary as I am so are these people who hurt me.


Going a little secular and thinking of a dialogue from 'Dear Zindagi'
If just for a moment, you can manage to see your parents as normal people, capable of making the same mistakes as you, maybe you’ll find the strength within you to forgive them and undo the damage. It’s hard to do this as a child, when they’re the ones teaching you life skills. But as an adult, you can see objectively what they did right, and what they didn’t. Parents are not perfect, they’re as flawed as you and me.


While this one specifically talks about the relationship between a parent and a child. For me it is in every relationship where I was learning a life skill and got kicked hard enough not to want to get up again. As I attempt to stand up this time ... I have myself saying 'They are normal people just like me.'

Christ forgave me not expecting an extraordinary and perfect person ... but yes one in the making. I get in this time with my fist down... no gear looking at a person - 'One in the making'.


I hope I am on my way to redemption.

 Love this song - only the cross has made us 'Flawless'. Else we are all normal people who need and must give forgiveness

R>E>S>P>E>C>T

Be a woman who earns respect,
By your actions
By your words
By your kindness
By your love

Be a woman who doesn't have to fight for it
By your willingness to give
By your ability to forgive
By your joy in strife
By your laughter in conflict

Be a woman who shows that you are a blessed creation
By supporting your husband
By loving your children
By caring for those around you
By your devotion to your household


Be that kind of woman!

Happy Woman's day!

Siblings and all that ... Jazz

I remember when I was growing up... people would come up to my mom and  say 'Two girls'  and '3 years apart' ... 'oh they must not fight at all'. My sister and I we fought like cats and dogs! We used words a lot and we got on each others nerves all the time. My mom had to constantly yell  'If I come there both of you are going to get it.' - Reminds me of Russell Peters  'Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad'
We also were inseparable (At least till she got married and I left for the US). And that is the other side of this sibling coin. I cried when she got beaten and she fought for me (to get my parents approval) when I wanted to marry a man of my choice. Do I need say more?

When I had Isaac and Ziva with a 22 months space, I knew the nightmare would come. Someone told me 'Don't worry, they will be really close'.
Yes Maybe - but 'Payback's a *&^%$!'.
I am sure I gave plenty of grief to my mother, so it was my time now.   I watched my sister deal with my nephew and niece and I realized any age gap and the sibling jazz was bound to dazzle us all. And now its my turn

I am seriously tired of the  yells and screams coming from the basement. ‘Amma she is not sharing with me.’  ...'Amma he is looking at me!' ....Really !! Another favorite place for them to fight is in the the back seat of the car. 'Amma his leg is close to my car seat.'
I find myself frequently saying 'If I come there .. you both are going to get it'

Sometimes its minor tugs and pulls while others are more emotional and long-lasting fights and it seems like they may kill each other.
I know these sibling quarrels are a common occurrence in most households. But I have started thinking of how I can set the rules so we can have a calmer day. Especially since we homeschool - Isaac and Ziva just have to get along for more than a seconds!
Suresh keeps saying set the rules and if they dont abide its time for the rod. But what are the rules and should I read it out to them like the ten commandments!

Commandments:  As in every household the most important thing is ‘Rules’. No one likes them! But everyone must follow them! Here would be my commandments for the Joel Household for the next few years
1. No hitting,
2. No name calling
3. No hoarding
That's it ! If I can just get them to abide by these, the world would be more peaceful.
But it does seem like sharing is the toughest. Yes - especially in a household where there are over a thousand toys both will have a tug off for one toy. And of course we are almost going to the point of  'I had it first' . So what do I do. ' No share - no play'. It works! They both cry for a while and then its almost like they gang up against me and play together with a completely different toy!

Good Job: The best sprinkling of masala over the wound at this time is. Good Job guys! I am so proud of you two sharing and I have my babies back in my arms! Now Ziva has even started asking me. 'Amma are you happy with Isaac and Me'!

Wearing my boxing gloves: Sometimes, though it does seem like I have to get down in the boxing ring and separate them! And this is when we use the hug theory. Hug, are the best thing, I have realized, and use it commonly when there has been a physical fight. Its not possible for me to always use my eight eyes and watch who started the fight or who pushed whom. Conversations are not entirely clear and this seems like the perfect time to talk about forgiveness. Usually in this case no one is innocent. So we go into hug mode. 'Isaac and Ziva hug each other. Now say I am sorry.' This is irrespective of who had done IT! And I think its not the words ... but the touch that makes them both melt down and again in 5 minutes we have WORLD PEACE.

Unity in Adversity: 'Isaac you must protect Ziva. Ziva listen to Isaac he will take care of you.' I found him 20 minutes later sitting next to her quietly watching her. She too was sitting besides him and they had not pulled each others hair out. Somehow when you make the family claim, even kids seem to understand the song 'We are family'. Best way to leave them alone and hope for peace - Add a touch of responsibility!'

Who's dunn it!: And then there are those times when you just got to know who is the culprit. This may be the broken phone that they were both yanking at or the TV that just wont switch ON because both wanted to turn it ON. You just got to know. Currently we use books for various characteristics. We have a series called Bubbles  and one particular one is  'Bubbles Owns up' ... There are tons more about not fighting with other, Not being a spoil-sport. And recently we found one very good one about not teasing your sibling. It hit a home-run with Isaac and now all I have to say is 'Remember how Pipo was mean to his sister' Lot of perspective. And it works way better than me screaming 'SHARE' or 'BE NICE'. The books are nice because they are so non-judgemental

Vishesh Tippany (Translated special message): I am slowly also realizing using myself as a example may also help the kids relate to relationships and their value. So I guess Isaac and Ziva are going to here a lot of stories about Amma and 'Mona Velliamma' and of course 'Ammachi!'

At the end of the day I just got to remember that I too  have waged the sibling war and turned out fine. The key is to keep the whole sibling rivalry healthy with plenty of love and forgiveness and HUGs!