The BUTTON and the LEAKY TAP - A story on equality

A few months ago, one Sunday evening we were hanging out at home. It was unusual, since we are almost never at home on Sunday evenings. We had the company of one of our youth from church and this little controversy started through a rather simple request from Suresh

Suresh: ' Hi Rohini - can you stitch my shirt button?'
Before I could reply, the young girl jumped in.
Girl: ' Why can't you stitch your own button?'
Suresh was taken aback and we realized that we had a budding feminist in our presence. I think he responded something to the effect of  'I dont know how to stitch a button' - which led to further horn locking and comments on why men could not do everything.

We live in an age that is completely confused. We don't have separate roles anymore for men and women and we believe everyone must do everything or at least know to do everything. The term here is equality.
A common argument I hear is how the woman's role is changing in our times. I.e. women are leaving the home to go to work and so men should help out more at home. But are they helping out more at home?
The button request conversation made me realize that there were things that my husband could not do on his own. And .... it made me happy.
Marriage is not about equality. If we were two equal individuals, who could do everything on our own, we would not need each other. The word 'need' is very important in marriage. If we do  not 'need' each other then it would be like roommates with kids :)
As I thought further into the 'button'  conversation, I realized there were many things I could not do on my own! Like fix a LEAKY TAP! Or even simpler things like unscrew a bottle lid. I could get someone to fix it like a plumber - and Suresh could get someone to stitch his button.
But just the fact that I had a person who asked me for help and I could go to the person for help, made me realize the joy of inequality.
We frequently talk about men having brute strength and women having emotional strength. That is the beauty of inequality in marriage.
We recently attended a marriage seminar and were asked to describe our marriage. Suresh described ours as a three-legged race. Clumsy, but holding on to each other!

Marriage is not about equally dividing responsibility. Marriage is about sharing responsibility.
Marriage is not about who makes the Tea. Marriage is about making Tea for someone and having someone you can ask to make Tea for you.
Marriage is not about about who brings home the pay check. Marriage is about taking the decisions together on how that money is spent.
Marriage is not about who stitches the button - but also who is willing to ask for the the button to be stitched and who is willing to stitch the button :)

Marriage, miracles, mistakes and many returns!

16 years since we met ... 13.5 years being married..

Yet everyday we figure out something new about each other. That's what keeps a marriage going. I am glad for this union of ours (and I hope Suresh is glad too.)

Do we fight? Yes of course! Are there days I want to strangle Suresh? Yes there are!  And I bet there are days when he would like to give me a slap and say 'grow up'.
But we are still together. No its not because we are madly in love with it each other. Well there are days we think we will go mad. That, however, has more to do with the byproducts of this Union than either of us.

Whats keeps us together? What keeps a couple together?
We had a wonderful couples meeting in the summer 0f 2010 at our annual Church retreat in  Summit Grove, Pennsylvania. Led by Bill and Claudia Teubl, we got great advice and confirmation on some ways of life.

Here is my little tit-bit for those who want to take it.
Have a common goals -
Before we even got together or decided we wanted to get married - we had discussed some of our life's goals or desires. Somehow neither of us talked about what we wanted our career path to be or how much money we wanted to make. The only thing that seemed to come out strong was 'We wanted to move back to India at some point of time'. Sitting on my couch in pleasant and cool Bangalore, I am glad of that conversation. Talking about going back 'home' sometime. I put in a bid - 'No Chennai' and Suresh topped it off with a 'No Mumbai' - God's plan could not be more perfect than to put us here in Bangalore!

Sane Finances:
Try not to get into debt. If you are in debt, get out of it as soon as possible. You don't have to have a ton of money in your savings account. But you will have a lot of peace knowing that you don't owe anybody anything!
The Teubl's took it a notch higher for us and said - no house loans - no car loans. They didn't mean that you need to have a down payment for the entire sum your house would have. Just make it a goal to pay off the house as soon as possible. We had the pleasure of spending some time with Becky Teubl the third child of the Teubl's. She mentioned how her mother had divided a picture of the house into neat bricks each representing the payment for a month for the house. Coloring out a brick a month indicated they owned that portion when they paid the mortgage. A lovely way to involve children in finances. Becky said that one month the children brought money together and gave it to their dad to pay the months mortgage and had the pleasure of being 'involved' in the coloring.
Dave Ramsey 'finance Guru' says that finances is a big reason couples split -- so stay out of debt.

Witnessing those miracles and trials together.
Life will throw all kinds of stuff at you. Big rocks, small stones. They all hurt - but stick together - because when those miracles happen, its no fun sitting alone and enjoying it. Its means much more when there is someone joining in the happiness.
Isaac and Ziva are our miracles and trials all in one bundle. We have enjoyed every minute of them. I can think of no other man who would sit by me day after day as I cried for a child. I can think of no other man to give me those IVF shots and  I can think of no other man who would wake up in the middle of the night to put a new born to sleep.
Losing parents has also been something that kept us together. When folks ask us why we moved back to India - my first reason is losing 3 parents in 3 years was not easy and we needed family around to overcome the grief.

Plenty of difference in opinions:
Are we different? As different as North and South pole. Isn't that what they say - poles apart! But even at these two poles the climate is kind of chilly and icy and the same. So poles apart and yet so much in common. That's what keeps things interesting.

A little screaming and yelling
We were not big fighters. Then we attended a marriage seminar by George and Pooja Cherian, where they  spoke about 'How to fight good!'. It brought out a lot of hidden resentment. I used to pride myself on fighting about silly stuff and keeping the big stuff within. But now I like that we fight good and sort our differences and anxieties! It builds the relationship on stronger ground!


Union in thinking
We have a lot of common ideas about parenting and finance. I like that when I think of something and make an eye connection with hubby dear across the room, I know he is thinking the same. You can say the same strings hit a rhythm within us! How did we get there? Talking lots and lots of talking.

Last and the most important the big guys upstairs!
I would be insane not to mention the big Guy upstairs who brought us together and has kept us so far.
If it was not for our faith in Jesus and constantly keeping Him in the center of our relationship ... things would have surely been a mess

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZEURntrQOg


Union of Suresh Emmanuel Joel and Rohini George:  13.5 years

30 December 2002 -- to Present

By products : Isaac George Joel
                      Ziva Esther Joel

And knowing I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life : 14 years on January 27 2001

You never know what's happening in some ones life - Courtesy of a Police Officer

This was back when Isaac was about 6 months and we were in the US. Suresh was jetting back and forth, trying to be with his sick mother in India and keeping up with work
Life was a turmoil. I was working and trying to get a hold of household chores. Luckily my mother was around to help with Isaac. It was still hard. I had to walk the dogs and I remember taking Isaac on the baby Bjorn with two leashes on hand just so my mom would get a break.
I drove, and so that solved a lot of issues like grocery shopping or getting to church. We did not have to rely on anyone for transportation.
On one trip home, late one evening, the following incident took place.
I was driving up the main interstate and merging onto a road close to home. In the US, laws are strict and when you merge you need to ensure that you let the traffic on the road go first before you join. I did not see the dark car and did not halt at the intersection before I merged. I heard the loud horn and I was so flustered that I lifted my hands in frustration. Some 3 seconds later, I saw the flashing lights. I had just cut off a cop and then showed him my frustration.
Now in the US, when a cop flashes the lights you pull over to the side of the road. I was terrified. My mom was sitting in the back seat and she started to pray. In the US, you sit in your car and wait for the cop to approach your car. As I waited I  started to think - God do I really need this right now! He came and knocked on my window. I rolled my window down and the cop said 'license and registration mam'. Even as he said this he glanced at the back seat to a cute and cuddly Isaac chewing on his teething toys and making happy sounds - completely oblivious that mommy had been pulled over. The cop glanced back at me and then back at the car seat and my mom sitting in the back looking terrified.
As I handed over my license I only said one thing 'I am so sorry!' I am not sure whether it was the baby, the lack of a man in the car or the pure desperation of our current state in life that showed on my face but all he said was 'hmmmm'.
I knew I was not going to get anything more than a ticket. Maybe 100 -200 dollars. But it would just make the day so much more miserable. And then what would go on my license record 'Cut of cop and raised hands in frustration - i.e. Anger issues'. As we waited, the cop went back to his car to pull up my records and check the car details.
It took a just 10 minutes, but its felt like a lifetime and Isaac was starting to get fidgety in a stationary car. The cop returned. ' Mam I am not going to give you a ticket. But please be more careful when you drive. You have a child with you'.
I think I was going to cry. 'Thank you! - thank you so much'.
I don't remember that cops face or his name or what color uniform he wore (brown or blue). But what I do remember is, his courtesy made that evening so much better for me, my son and my mother.
A few days later I heard my mom relate the incident to my aunt over the phone 'They have so much concern for our children' is what she said as she ended the conversation.