Beauty is Skin deep ... But cooking is a must! Marriage - neogitable and non-negotiable!

Being friends with youth of our church and having them be absolutely free as they speak to us has given me a DEJA VU on what it was like to think about a life partner.

At about 23 I wanted to just have a baby - no HUSBAND. Could I adopt a baby?
Today after two children I know the value of my husband. I know his importance in my kids life as a father.
But 15 years ago - It seemed like I could conquer the world and make it mine.
I had my rules - The guy should cook, he should not smoke, not drink. He should not be egoistical and should let me do as I like. He should let me dress the way I want and work where and when I want.
I guess age does make you wiser. As I watch a few young girls making similar statements, my inner being is screaming out! Don't! That's not whats important!

This BIBA ad got me thinking.

I love the ad. Its very beautiful. And I love the lovely lady who tagged me! She's one of my favorite young people along with her friend who jumped in to remind me of all the lovely traits of her friend! Lovely lovely ladies... and they remind me of  ... ME ... 15 years ago.

Would you judge a man/ woman  if they choose a partner based on good looks? Most likely yes.
Because beauty is skin deep!
Would you judge a man if he rejected a lady because she could not cook? Yeaaa
Would you judge a woman if she rejected a man because he did not have a job? Yeaa
Then you must also judge a woman who rejects a man because he cannot cook! Or a man who rejects a woman because she doesnt have a job.


I know  a marriage counselor couple who advise young people - NO EXPECTATIONS
Now that, you would say is idealistic. I mean we all have expectations. But I think in expecting ... we forget that we are not able to meet ALL of the other person's expectations!
Is it possible not to expect? Unlikely.
But here is my advise to young folk ... Free advise hai - lena hai to lelo!

For both boys and girls : Don't expect someone who is drop dead gorgeous ... Even if you are drop dead gorgeous. Chances are you will eventually get fat and ugly. 😉😉😉😉😉😉. Or chances are you may grow ridiculously insecure :)

For girls : Don't expect someone who can cook, clean, do their own laundry ... etc.. etc.
Instead find out if they will stand and chat with you while you cook. Or someone who asks you how your day was while he tries to fold the laundry. Or someone who chops onions because you hate doing it. Or someone who will order food from outside  - because you feel exhausted.

For boys : Please don't ask a girl if she can cook, unless you can cook yourself. It's a big back fire question.

For girls and boys: Will you work after marriage? Do you know if you yourself will work for sure. Life brings about circumstances that make it necessary to choose family versus career or the other way around.

Marriage is not about cooking and taking care of the other person. Marriage is not about the perfect partner with all the perfect traits. Marriage is not all romance and singing around trees.

For me marriage has been about having someone I could hug and cry when I lost my father!
It was about being given the permission to hug my husband when he lost his parents! (I am a big hugger!)

How would you know these qualities? Find out if the person loves their parents... Because if the person loves their parents and you love yours ... chances are the person will love your parents too.


For me marriage was about having someone who watched me study for the longest time. Masters... PhD ... Residency .  And he brought home the bacon.  And then, I watched him do his post doctoral fellowship while I brought home the bacon. Marriage is not about stability in finance or jobs.  You don't know what tomorrow brings. Marriage is hard work and good times. They have to be balanced.


Marriage is not 50%
I help  50 %... my spouse puts in 50 %

I can't expect my husband to endure 50% of labor pains can I? Neither does he expect me to deliver a 7.5 pound baby and walk back to work the next day.

Marriage is 100% - I put in 100% of everything I do! And my partner will put in 100% of everything he can do.
But what if he doesn't?  Well then some things wont get done! Or ... you will fight a little... big deal!

Marriage is not about having a long list of non-negotiable demands ....  Marriage is about being negotiable in all your expectations.

The BUTTON and the LEAKY TAP - A story on equality

A few months ago, one Sunday evening we were hanging out at home. It was unusual, since we are almost never at home on Sunday evenings. We had the company of one of our youth from church and this little controversy started through a rather simple request from Suresh

Suresh: ' Hi Rohini - can you stitch my shirt button?'
Before I could reply, the young girl jumped in.
Girl: ' Why can't you stitch your own button?'
Suresh was taken aback and we realized that we had a budding feminist in our presence. I think he responded something to the effect of  'I dont know how to stitch a button' - which led to further horn locking and comments on why men could not do everything.

We live in an age that is completely confused. We don't have separate roles anymore for men and women and we believe everyone must do everything or at least know to do everything. The term here is equality.
A common argument I hear is how the woman's role is changing in our times. I.e. women are leaving the home to go to work and so men should help out more at home. But are they helping out more at home?
The button request conversation made me realize that there were things that my husband could not do on his own. And .... it made me happy.
Marriage is not about equality. If we were two equal individuals, who could do everything on our own, we would not need each other. The word 'need' is very important in marriage. If we do  not 'need' each other then it would be like roommates with kids :)
As I thought further into the 'button'  conversation, I realized there were many things I could not do on my own! Like fix a LEAKY TAP! Or even simpler things like unscrew a bottle lid. I could get someone to fix it like a plumber - and Suresh could get someone to stitch his button.
But just the fact that I had a person who asked me for help and I could go to the person for help, made me realize the joy of inequality.
We frequently talk about men having brute strength and women having emotional strength. That is the beauty of inequality in marriage.
We recently attended a marriage seminar and were asked to describe our marriage. Suresh described ours as a three-legged race. Clumsy, but holding on to each other!

Marriage is not about equally dividing responsibility. Marriage is about sharing responsibility.
Marriage is not about who makes the Tea. Marriage is about making Tea for someone and having someone you can ask to make Tea for you.
Marriage is not about about who brings home the pay check. Marriage is about taking the decisions together on how that money is spent.
Marriage is not about who stitches the button - but also who is willing to ask for the the button to be stitched and who is willing to stitch the button :)

The day I married a RICH MAN

I cannot remember how the conversation came up. It had something to do with a young girl, maybe about 15 years younger than me, talking about her choice of educational field and how it would be so hard to get a job.

We were a group of about 7-8 sitting around the lunch table. The conversation was casual when this came up.

Miss XYZ: ‘Aunty it’s very hard to get a job in this field’

Me: ‘Oh just finish your course, find a rich guy and marry him’. I joked

Miss  XYZ:  ‘Yea aunty you found your rich guy!’

I wanted to laugh out loud and say ‘REALLY!!!’

I looked across to my Rich man who was happily digging into his Thali plate.  It got me nostalgic about a time long ago when such a comment would never have even been seen in our vicinity. I have been called ‘Rich’ before and I realize that it’s time to tell the story. I guess it’s one that my kids are going to hear for a long time about how ‘Your dad and I struggled’. But looking back at that time, I never thought we would have the comfort of sitting at any restaurant and ordering whatever we wanted!

There are a lot of women who have gone from their father’s house to their husband’s house. I believe they are really lucky and blessed to have men who have taken care of them all throughout. When I say taking care, I specifically mean the financial aspect of it.

I choose a slightly different path. I left my father’s home at the age of 22 with a nice big cheque that I had hoped to return to him as soon as I got a graduate scholarship. I had made the trip across the seven seas and had promised myself that I would not ask for any more financial support if I got the scholarship. If I did not get a scholarship, I would return home with my tail between my legs and do whatever my father asked me to.

I got the scholarship and sent back the cheque save a few dollars which I needed for the initial days expenditure.

$827 per month. $413 every two weeks. That was my income for the next two years. My rent shared with 4 roommates was $235 per person. Then there was groceries, telephone and electricity bills to pay. It seemed hard but I learned to budget. It was in the midst of this that I met my RICH man!

He lived a few floors below in the same apartment building.

                                    Study on the floor ... Diwan and small side table made by Suresh!

We were class mates and guess what … he too made $827 per month. $413 every two weeks. We got married and moved into a one bedroom apartment with no furniture except a bed that the RICH man had acquired from another graduate student who was leaving. We had a few vessels and plates and we cooked and ate on the floor. The rent now was $650 totally. And then there was bills to pay. We continued our studies and graduated 3 years later. Over the three years we bought a TV, we found a computer table in the dump outside our building, my rich man made some furniture and we bought a few plants.

                                                         TV stand made by Suresh

Once we graduated, life started looking up. But for the first three years of our married life, we budgeted! We spent on credit cards till we realized we could not afford to pay the cards back and so one day we cut up all our credit cards. This meant rare eating out and social outings. We enjoyed bicycle rides to buy groceries since we did not have a car. We would put on two haversacks and buy big bottles of milk and vegetables home in them riding the bicycle both ways. We budgeted $ 5 per person per week to eat out. That meant we ate only at street carts. Hot dog cart sold a hotdog for $1. Sautéed onions was 50 cents more. We budgeted eating at a restaurant only once a month and could not spend more than $20 at the restaurant.

So it wasn’t a rich man … but it was a rich life!

At the end of 3 years of marriage when we graduated … my rich man got an awesome job. I guess I really figured out what it meant to spend money was at this time. We still did not use credit cards. We bought a second hand Mazda and enjoyed many long rides. We started to travel bit more and restaurant eating was maybe twice a week. Then 2 years later I completed my residency and got a nice job and things started looking even better. None of the above would have seemed half bad if you look at us today. But the uncertainty at that point of time was a bit scary. I wonder how we just lived without worrying.

                                                         Suresh's Study table and our bed :)


Now here we are ... 14 years after marriage. Life is comfortable. People may think we are ‘Rich’ … but we know where we came from. We know the days and weeks and months of craving to eat something fancy or just spending on clothes without thinking.

We know that tomorrow is never certain. But we are very thankful for what yesterday has taught us and we are enjoying today.

A few days ago another young girl came for marital advise.

Miss ABC: ‘How important is it for the guy to be financially stable?’

Me: ‘ I married one who wasn’t  … but it worked out for me’ I laughed! ‘ It depends on how willing you are to endure the days that are not so comfortable’

I married a RICH man… he had a RICH heart  … and we had the confidence that we would make it together.