Unemployement and failures - Its a Wonderful Life

I wonder how many have watched the movie 'Its a wonderful Life'. Its a very Christmassy movie and I highly recommend it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ewe4lg8zTYA

 Just when you think it can't get worse, it becomes a wonderful life. But to enjoy a wonderful life, you need a few downs before you can treasure the up's

I have a similar story to share about our (Suresh and my) life and a certain summer in 2003.
We go through life labeling people for who they are and where they stand and how they handle life, career and family. 
Loser - That's the word associated with failure! It seems so easy to label someone as a loser.
Oh they have failed an exam - What a loser
Oh they have lost a job  - What a loser!

Here is a story in my life of losing/ failing and then rising up again - Because if you don't taste failure -- success is not as sweet!

It was close to the end of the spring semester in 2003. Suresh and I had been married about 6 months odd. We had rented a 1 BHK and were content. It was a good first 6 months considering the stress we went through convincing my folks for the marriage and attempting to stay away from any controversy. The goal was - To get married!
We go through various stages of life thinking, if I can get through this, I am going to be happy! Life will be good!
If I can finish high school, life will be good.
If I can finish engineering, life will be good.
If I can get a scholarship, life will be good.
If I can find a good spouse, life will be good.
If ... If ... If.
We were going through one of those high's when we were hit. Both of us.
In the summer of 2003, the Virginia commonwealth University decided to withdraw scholarship for the engineering PhD students for the summer. Just like that with and email, Suresh had lost his stipend for 3 months. Even though I was getting paid, it was big hit. We could not survive unless both us brought in our stipends!

Just as a very frustrated Suresh started scampering for a summer job, which was very hard considering all the good paying jobs would have been taken up much earlier, I got an email.
We had both given our PhD qualified exams and I had failed my Signal Processing Exam. Just like that, through one email! I did not know what would be the next step.

While I teary eyed called up my advisor and he encouraged me that there would be a second chance and I was not out of the program, Suresh spoke to his advisor and the possibility of a summer job or an internship somewhere. Its a wonderful life huh! If anyone had spoken to me at that time telling me that this was just a small part of a rather complex life, and things would get better, I would not have believed them! If only Suresh could get a job ... If only I could pass this exams.

And yes it did happen, just like in the movie, life turned around and the success was so sweet because we had tasted failure.
Suresh found a job in my lab working for the director as a signal processing programmer. Something he was super duper good at. And he got paid more than he did with his stipend.
I gave my exams a month later and passed - with so much ease!

I guess all is well that ends well? Now its easy to say that! But what does tomorrow bring, an up or a down. 

I was recently talking to a young person who was going through the 'if' statement
X: I thought once I finished college I would be get a job and be independent and all would be good.

My take on independence -
Employment and financial stability does not indicate independence. Independence is the determination to survive despite unemployment... despite failure.

The BUTTON and the LEAKY TAP - A story on equality

A few months ago, one Sunday evening we were hanging out at home. It was unusual, since we are almost never at home on Sunday evenings. We had the company of one of our youth from church and this little controversy started through a rather simple request from Suresh

Suresh: ' Hi Rohini - can you stitch my shirt button?'
Before I could reply, the young girl jumped in.
Girl: ' Why can't you stitch your own button?'
Suresh was taken aback and we realized that we had a budding feminist in our presence. I think he responded something to the effect of  'I dont know how to stitch a button' - which led to further horn locking and comments on why men could not do everything.

We live in an age that is completely confused. We don't have separate roles anymore for men and women and we believe everyone must do everything or at least know to do everything. The term here is equality.
A common argument I hear is how the woman's role is changing in our times. I.e. women are leaving the home to go to work and so men should help out more at home. But are they helping out more at home?
The button request conversation made me realize that there were things that my husband could not do on his own. And .... it made me happy.
Marriage is not about equality. If we were two equal individuals, who could do everything on our own, we would not need each other. The word 'need' is very important in marriage. If we do  not 'need' each other then it would be like roommates with kids :)
As I thought further into the 'button'  conversation, I realized there were many things I could not do on my own! Like fix a LEAKY TAP! Or even simpler things like unscrew a bottle lid. I could get someone to fix it like a plumber - and Suresh could get someone to stitch his button.
But just the fact that I had a person who asked me for help and I could go to the person for help, made me realize the joy of inequality.
We frequently talk about men having brute strength and women having emotional strength. That is the beauty of inequality in marriage.
We recently attended a marriage seminar and were asked to describe our marriage. Suresh described ours as a three-legged race. Clumsy, but holding on to each other!

Marriage is not about equally dividing responsibility. Marriage is about sharing responsibility.
Marriage is not about who makes the Tea. Marriage is about making Tea for someone and having someone you can ask to make Tea for you.
Marriage is not about about who brings home the pay check. Marriage is about taking the decisions together on how that money is spent.
Marriage is not about who stitches the button - but also who is willing to ask for the the button to be stitched and who is willing to stitch the button :)

Writing on the wall : Daniel:5 - Quotes from Isaacland

Had to share this one from Bible time with the kids. Suresh is having his morning session with the kids. The story is about Belshazzaar and the writing on the wall.

Suresh: Isaac you know what the story from the Bible today
Isaac ... blank stare

Suresh: 'Writing on the wall'
Pause - Isaac looks at Suresh

Isaac: Its not good to write on the wall
Ziva: Yes we should ask for paper!!

Amma - You said Stupid!

I love blaming the TV for poor language.
I love blaming external influences for my kids fighting and being rough. Just a few weeks back Isaac and Ziva were pushing each other playfully calling out 'Chota bheem'. We do not have cable in our house and they have not really had much time at other places to totally absorb the characteristics of this TV character (one I am not terribly fond of). I asked them where they got this game from and they mentioned a friend they played with. I reprimanded them and it took a few threats of spankings before they stopped playing it. I enjoyed laying the blame on some TV show that was played in someone else house.
I enjoyed blaming Suresh for screaming IDIOT in the car every time a bike or car cut him off on the road. I emotionally threatened him that the kids would pick up the word and start using it.

I enjoyed blaming everyone and everything else and living in my little bubble of holiness ... till Isaac burst my bubble!
I cannot remember where or how I had told him 'Stupid' was not a good word to say. But something about it registered in him. He doesn't register phonics or numbers I teach him... but this word stays in head!

It was Sunday morning. Sunday morning is always 'crazy' morning for me. Getting things ready to get going to church may seem simple ... but it was always chaos by 10 am (when its time to leave). 
It was close to this time when I handed over multivitamin in a small cup to Isaac and Ziva.  Usually they are very good at drinking it with no spill. But on this particular morning Ziva picked her cup and turned it upside down. Laughing while she did it.'
I yelled  ' You stupid ... stupid girl! Look what you did'
I was just glad she didn't have clothes on her.
Isaac: 'Amma you said 'Stupid'. You should not say stupid'

 

I stopped! I had no words.
Me: I am sorry Isaac. I did not mean to. Ziva I am so sorry.
A few minutes later Suresh walked down the stairs.
Isaac: Appa- Amma said 'Stupid'.

BUSTED!

We think our kids are most influenced by their peers. But we always fail to see how much we can influence them. Its the small moments like the one I described above that can make and break my child's character. So all us parents out there .... think about what you are doing to set a good example, to be a good influence or build some character before you go about blaming the TV, friends and other external influences for your child's behaviour

 - Guilty mom!

A favorite quote that reminds me what a great influence we parents are on our kids

'When you teach her (your daughter), she learns more rapidly. When you guide her, she gains confidence. If you fully understand just how profoundly you can influence your daughter's life, you would be terrified, overwhelmed, or both. Boyfriends, brothers, even husbands can't shape her character the way you do. You will influence her entire life because she gives you an authority she gives no other man'

From Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters - by Dr. Meg Meeker.

What happened to those lazy mornings? Where did they go?

There used to be a time when a long weekend meant something … a holiday in the middle of the week was something we looked forward to!

It was a Friday. It was a holiday. A holiday means nothing to me anymore except that Suresh stays at home with us. This exception is a big deal. Having Suresh at home is a blessing. He watches the kids, plays with them and shares the disciplining responsibility so I am not screaming my lungs out continuously.

But there used to be a time when we could be spontaneous. We could wake up late and then eat brunch and then go for a drive to some mountains and then go hiking...

But not anymore.... For one thing – we cannot wake up late. If our biological alarm clock does not set off, then the physical one sleeping right next to us … will promptly pick up her leg and whack it on our stomach! (Giving the instinct to pee --- and we are up!)

I have heard parents say that they just sleep in … and their kids will sleep in with them too …. I really am jealous of parents whose kids let them sleep in! For us the story so far … first it was Isaac who would wake up at 6 am and open our eyelids … just to make sure we knew he was awake. Now he does sleep a little later … 7 am … But Ziva is promptly up and rolling over us as early as 6:30 am. More importantly she is too hungry to stay in bed. She needs her milk which means one of us has to drag ourselves out of bed and go get the bottle ready! Which means there is no more staying in bed late … just one happy... over-excited … hyper energized … toddler!

Spontaneity is a word I have given up from my dictionary. I can no longer be spontaneous (I was not very good at it previously --- I like to plan). But now with diapers and meal and nap times … The planning is even more intensive.

We cannot do brunch … well maybe Suresh and I can do brunch … but we still need to prepare three square meals … interspersed with snacks... and so we need to plan. So between 8 am and 9 am two mouths need to be fed. And than again at 12 pm and then a snack …. and then dinner must be on the table at 7 pm. No more sleeping in late... No long naps after those late brunches … No more long unplanned drives

The months of September and October bring about a large number of the Indian festival and thus many days when Suresh is at home. Its not like the old days and I do miss those days.... But just as I am thinking how good it would be to get these little munchkins grown up and out of the house … I see a few empty nests where kids have gone of to college giving parents their life back … I shudder. The thought of my physical alarm clock not smiling into my face at 6:30 am … is  nothing short of a nightmare.

So while I would like to sleep in once in a while … I think for now I will enjoy the early mornings and deal with not knowing which day of the week it is!

Cheers to being a parent!