Unemployement and failures - Its a Wonderful Life

I wonder how many have watched the movie 'Its a wonderful Life'. Its a very Christmassy movie and I highly recommend it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ewe4lg8zTYA

 Just when you think it can't get worse, it becomes a wonderful life. But to enjoy a wonderful life, you need a few downs before you can treasure the up's

I have a similar story to share about our (Suresh and my) life and a certain summer in 2003.
We go through life labeling people for who they are and where they stand and how they handle life, career and family. 
Loser - That's the word associated with failure! It seems so easy to label someone as a loser.
Oh they have failed an exam - What a loser
Oh they have lost a job  - What a loser!

Here is a story in my life of losing/ failing and then rising up again - Because if you don't taste failure -- success is not as sweet!

It was close to the end of the spring semester in 2003. Suresh and I had been married about 6 months odd. We had rented a 1 BHK and were content. It was a good first 6 months considering the stress we went through convincing my folks for the marriage and attempting to stay away from any controversy. The goal was - To get married!
We go through various stages of life thinking, if I can get through this, I am going to be happy! Life will be good!
If I can finish high school, life will be good.
If I can finish engineering, life will be good.
If I can get a scholarship, life will be good.
If I can find a good spouse, life will be good.
If ... If ... If.
We were going through one of those high's when we were hit. Both of us.
In the summer of 2003, the Virginia commonwealth University decided to withdraw scholarship for the engineering PhD students for the summer. Just like that with and email, Suresh had lost his stipend for 3 months. Even though I was getting paid, it was big hit. We could not survive unless both us brought in our stipends!

Just as a very frustrated Suresh started scampering for a summer job, which was very hard considering all the good paying jobs would have been taken up much earlier, I got an email.
We had both given our PhD qualified exams and I had failed my Signal Processing Exam. Just like that, through one email! I did not know what would be the next step.

While I teary eyed called up my advisor and he encouraged me that there would be a second chance and I was not out of the program, Suresh spoke to his advisor and the possibility of a summer job or an internship somewhere. Its a wonderful life huh! If anyone had spoken to me at that time telling me that this was just a small part of a rather complex life, and things would get better, I would not have believed them! If only Suresh could get a job ... If only I could pass this exams.

And yes it did happen, just like in the movie, life turned around and the success was so sweet because we had tasted failure.
Suresh found a job in my lab working for the director as a signal processing programmer. Something he was super duper good at. And he got paid more than he did with his stipend.
I gave my exams a month later and passed - with so much ease!

I guess all is well that ends well? Now its easy to say that! But what does tomorrow bring, an up or a down. 

I was recently talking to a young person who was going through the 'if' statement
X: I thought once I finished college I would be get a job and be independent and all would be good.

My take on independence -
Employment and financial stability does not indicate independence. Independence is the determination to survive despite unemployment... despite failure.

Greek Salad and Feta Cheese - A Valuable lesson on dignity of labor

All I remember - my feet were killing me. As I crashed into my bed without even taking a shower, I thought 'Man! I will never do that again'.

It was the summer of 2001 and as graduate students in Virginia we had a few extra hours to do extra work. One of Suresh's roommate brought home a flyer that called for 'Volunteers' for the Greek festival. Me and my roomies decided that it would a good way to make a little extra money. We had no idea what we were signing up for! But I remember that it was the best lesson of my life.

We left early morning to the help at the Greek festival. I think the pay was minimum wages i.e. $5.15. We each had different uses for the money. I was planning to pool it toward money for buying a second hand car. I think one of my roommates wanted to buy a ticket to visit her brother in California and she didn't want her brother to pay for it. I cant remember the other reasons. But the primary reason was - it was summer and most everyone worked 40 hours.
So we reached the Greek orthodox church  and were shown to a dark room that was used for salad preparation! Salad preparation!!!! That had got to be the easiest thing ever. What started out as fun and laughter turned out to be a long dragged day. We stood there for several hours. I cannot remember how long! Boring work - as we dumped lettuce leaves, tomatoes and feta cheese into small plastic boxes. I had seen it been done in videos, I had heard about it and in my life I never thought I would be standing in an assembly line of people putting together a salad. We had to make sure each box had just the right amount of ingredients. As the day went by, maybe we got a little clumsier and feta cheese and lettuce leaves fell on our shoes. At the end of the day our only pair of sport shoes (not the fancy kind - just the simple ones) stunk of feta cheese.

About mid day we were each given a coupon to buy something at the stalls set up for the Greek festival. But the coupons could not be used for some of the special stuff like calamari (squid). Options included more Greek salad (!!!) Souvalaki, Moussaka, Spanakopita, Gyro, Triopita, Baklava, and other things that sounded very interesting to the aching feet. We really didn't want to eat as much as we wanted to sit down.

                                                              Taking a Break at the Greek Festival!


That day when we reached home, none of really had the energy for anything. I remember I didn't even want to take a bath. Just the bed and sleep!
The next day and the day after that we made more Greek Salad! I don't know why I didn't just quit it. After all it was extra money and that to not so much. But by this point we had realized the value of this labor and we had promised to work a certain number of hours to the organizer. Not like they would have cared if we left as they had plenty of other graduate student volunteers who wanted the extra money.  I am glad I didn't quit because I value the lesson in dignity of labor and now I get to brag about it. Yes brag!

One day during the festival we were asked to serve lemonade at the lemonade counter. That day we had sticky shoes and sticky hands and the smell of lemonade stuck so deep in our senses, we would never want to drink lemonade again. You would think! In the heat of the summer, the lemonade came as a welcome break to again sit down and relax.

Then on one day we had to work at the 'drive-thru' stall at the festival. We each were given a sheet of paper and had to run to cars, get the order and then run back and call it out, then run back and deliver the food and collect the money. Essentially an on the run 'waitress'. This was one of the biggest Greek festivals in the East coast I think, because the both the walk-in's and the drive-thru lines were very long. But working at the drive-thru was the most fun because I did not have to stand in a dingy room and smell feta cheese or stand in a humid stall and fill glasses of lemonade.

I think I worked at the Greek festival two years and then went back a year later because I actually missed the food and wanted to eat it. When I worked at these Greek salads, I was already into my Ph.D. Or at least I had made my decision to do one. I cannot remember the thought process for taking up this part time job. But it taught me that no job in the world was too small to do. It also funded my air-tickets to India when I had to come home two years back to back (2002 December to get married)

I now see young people around me who are so picky about their jobs. I wonder if any of them would be willing to work like this for the itty-bitty money! I see young folk who complain about their timing and how tiring and boring things at work can get or how mean their bosses are and I think of the mildly evil looking lady who taught us to make the Greek salad and spoke minimal English and so everything sounded scary.

Here are some of the summer jobs Suresh and I took up
1. Greek festival Volunteer
2. University Gymnasium identity card swipe: This is where I realized I was a morning person. I took up the 5:30 am shift. Suresh took up the 9:30 am shift. Job responsibilities included: swiping id card of everyone who walked in, putting dirty and sweaty towels for wash in the washing machine and when they were dry, folding them and stacking them up. In addition, we would have to take rounds about and make sure things were in order.
3. Dog sitter: This was more of Suresh than me! He got to hang out and walk dogs while he made some extra money.
4. Call center person: I would have to call the university Alumini and ask them for money! It was really embarrassing when I called an Alumini who was pissed about not getting a job after graduation.

Last week as we were driving through HSR BDA, I saw a sign at the McDonalds for a part/ full time job. I wondered – If I needed – would I work there. I wondered if I would see any of the young folks I know, work there. I wondered if I would be OK with letting Isaac or Ziva work there. I wonder if Isaac or Ziva would be willing to give any job the DIGNITY DESERVED!

WAHM - Neither here nor there

There is a famous saying in Hindi 'Dhobi ka kutta na ghar ka na ghat ka' (Translated: The Washermans dog fits neither in the house nor on the road)

Its rather appropriate for my current situation. i.e. My current job situation. I am a WAHM. Work -AT -Home -MOM. There are many in this category and the thing about us is we are neither here nor there. We cannot really complain about the guilt of leaving our children at home. I feel this made for a good guilt trip - mostly self inflicted. We cannot complain about financial independence because usually WAHM make a pretty good cash. We cannot complain about the traffic because our office is usually the comforts of our home. We essentially have a 'sweet deal'! But somewhere in this sweetness there is a little void!

 I have been through 5 stages in the past 6 years of my life. I went from full time working wife TO full time working mom TO part-time working-mom TO stay-at-home mom (SAHM) TO work-at- home mom (WAHM). I have felt the pain and joys of each stage and I salute all women for just being sane with all the choices and all the drama in between!

What a Working-wife goes through?
If you are in this stage, I would say enjoy girl! Enjoy your work ... become a workaholic... enjoy being with your work friends ... enjoy the freedom from guilt. I know it may still be tough for some women to manage home with office - but I would say enjoy these days like good old college days.

What working-mom goes through?
The working mom goes through guilt and some times rejection. But more importantly the working-mom goes through exhaustion. You may have a maid, a cook, a nanny and your parents helping you - but the exhaustion is something that no one can take away. I remember coming home with pneumonia after one blistery week back at work post maternity leave. I dont think it was the blistery cold that caused the pneumonia. I think it was pure exhaustion. I had till that point toyed  with the idea of going part time. But the pneumonia sealed the deal for me. The guilt of walking out of the door leaving my 3 month old baby still occasionally shows up in my heart and I give Isaac an extra hug!
I never really felt any rejection, because Isaac usually ran into my arms when I reached home. However I have heard of moms complain that all they want to do is run home and hug their child. But the child withdraws into the more familiar nanny's/ grandma's arms.

(PC: clipartpanda.com

What a part-time working mom goes through?
As a part-time working mom you still have a little of the guilt, a little rejection but the exhaustion is still there. When I went part-time I started with the guilt of well I was not at work all the time which meant I would have more time. I took this as a reason to do more work around the house. I eventually turned women-grocer-launderer-cook-cleaner-dishwasher and everything in between while caring for the 1 year old.

My job was super - flexible and my colleagues were super nice. They let me come in at 6 am so I could leave by 10 am. I started feeling guilty! I started to do more than I really needed to. To get from full-time to part-time status, I had to give up one favorite aspect of my work 'Research'.  So in the end I was exhausted, over-worked and frustrated!

What stay-at-home mom goes through?
When we moved to India, I was very excited about the option to stay at home. I thought I would finally  get a break. A friend of mine once had said 'some butts are meant for sitting on the couch' and 'yours is not the kind that can sit on the couch'. He said this in reference to being a SAHM. If I could go back to that conversation, I would scream out loud that SAHM had no time for sitting on the couch. Truthfully I had hoped to put my foot up more often. But being a SAHM there was always something to be done. Bills had to be paid (paying bills online is also a chore and requires time), food had to be bought, meals had to be planned, clothes had to be cleaned and house had to maintained. Any one of these things out of place and you were a lousy SAHM. Well- not really lousy - but you constantly feel judged. I thought that I had handled an full-time job and a home and a baby. SAHM would be a piece of cake. So totally not true. As a SAHM I tried to do  more of my share of chores at home. Anything and everything associated with the house and around the house I felt was my responsibility. Ordering the solar heater , ordering the water softners, getting service done on all equipment, being around for the carpenter, plumber , electrician to fix whatever was broken. But it felt like whether it was done or not, there was no one to appreciate the efforts.
I also felt very guilty about spending money on myself. The lack of financial independence shows up for most moms who have gone through the previous phases of financial independence i.e. the phases above. I would never buy a coffee or indulge in an ice cream alone. I would think a hundred times before taking up hobbies such as baking, painting or stitching.
And then the rejection. It seemed like there was more joy on Isaac's face when he saw my husband return home than the remaining 24 hours I spent with him. I felt rejected.




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What work-at-home -mom goes through?
And then I woke up one day to an email asking me to work for 20-40 hours a week right from the comforts of my couch!
The reason I call my self the 'Dhobi ka kutta' is I have two kinds of guilt at this point. When I am working I feel like I am not spending enough time with my kids and when I am with the kids I think about all the work I need to get done.  Its like double guilt! And to get over the double guilt, I overdo it! I wake up at crazy hours to work. I plan picnics and activities with the kids to make up for the time I spend with my work. Guess what - double exhaustion.
I do not have work friends where I can whine about 'how the server went down' or 'the annual review'. Well there is a positive - I usually don't have an annual review. But that also means I get really no appreciation from work.
I miss getting out and shopping for groceries or household items. I usually try to get things ordered online to save time.
The 24 hours in the day never seems like enough time to get all the things I want to get done!
All hobbies have been currently been put on a hold!!! So its work -kids-work-kids and repeat as needed!

Reading my above whine list I see two things in common
1. We women suffer from exhaustion. No matter which stage we are in WAHM, SAHM, WM ... We suffer from exhaustion
2. We ladies are not nice to each other. We either believe our grass is greener or the grass on the other side is greener. One thought leads to pride and the other leads to envy. Both are terrible when combined with exhaustion! Remember every mom in every stage is exhausted and could use a little lifting up!

One thing the past 5 stages has taught me is to handle the questions such as 'Arent you bored at home ?' or 'Oh my God how can you leave your child at home?'  I normally handle them both based on the tone of the question. If its a mean question it gets a sarcastic answer. If the tone needs encouragement it gets encouragement. If its just a question - it gets an animated response from an over-enthusiastic WAHM.

While the whine list above may be long, as in everything there is Good.
Working moms enjoy financial independence and friends.
SAHM's are able to completely enjoy their kids
WAHM's are able to do a bit of both.
If you look for joy you can find it in whatever you do!