Unemployement and failures - Its a Wonderful Life

I wonder how many have watched the movie 'Its a wonderful Life'. Its a very Christmassy movie and I highly recommend it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ewe4lg8zTYA

 Just when you think it can't get worse, it becomes a wonderful life. But to enjoy a wonderful life, you need a few downs before you can treasure the up's

I have a similar story to share about our (Suresh and my) life and a certain summer in 2003.
We go through life labeling people for who they are and where they stand and how they handle life, career and family. 
Loser - That's the word associated with failure! It seems so easy to label someone as a loser.
Oh they have failed an exam - What a loser
Oh they have lost a job  - What a loser!

Here is a story in my life of losing/ failing and then rising up again - Because if you don't taste failure -- success is not as sweet!

It was close to the end of the spring semester in 2003. Suresh and I had been married about 6 months odd. We had rented a 1 BHK and were content. It was a good first 6 months considering the stress we went through convincing my folks for the marriage and attempting to stay away from any controversy. The goal was - To get married!
We go through various stages of life thinking, if I can get through this, I am going to be happy! Life will be good!
If I can finish high school, life will be good.
If I can finish engineering, life will be good.
If I can get a scholarship, life will be good.
If I can find a good spouse, life will be good.
If ... If ... If.
We were going through one of those high's when we were hit. Both of us.
In the summer of 2003, the Virginia commonwealth University decided to withdraw scholarship for the engineering PhD students for the summer. Just like that with and email, Suresh had lost his stipend for 3 months. Even though I was getting paid, it was big hit. We could not survive unless both us brought in our stipends!

Just as a very frustrated Suresh started scampering for a summer job, which was very hard considering all the good paying jobs would have been taken up much earlier, I got an email.
We had both given our PhD qualified exams and I had failed my Signal Processing Exam. Just like that, through one email! I did not know what would be the next step.

While I teary eyed called up my advisor and he encouraged me that there would be a second chance and I was not out of the program, Suresh spoke to his advisor and the possibility of a summer job or an internship somewhere. Its a wonderful life huh! If anyone had spoken to me at that time telling me that this was just a small part of a rather complex life, and things would get better, I would not have believed them! If only Suresh could get a job ... If only I could pass this exams.

And yes it did happen, just like in the movie, life turned around and the success was so sweet because we had tasted failure.
Suresh found a job in my lab working for the director as a signal processing programmer. Something he was super duper good at. And he got paid more than he did with his stipend.
I gave my exams a month later and passed - with so much ease!

I guess all is well that ends well? Now its easy to say that! But what does tomorrow bring, an up or a down. 

I was recently talking to a young person who was going through the 'if' statement
X: I thought once I finished college I would be get a job and be independent and all would be good.

My take on independence -
Employment and financial stability does not indicate independence. Independence is the determination to survive despite unemployment... despite failure.

The advantages of becoming a PARENT!

I have seen several articles about how it is beneficial to have children. But I dont think I have seen anyone talk about the benefits of turning into parents. If you think its one and the same thing, think again. Having children is not the same as becoming a parent!
We live in a generation where people think a hundred times before having children. There is a lot of fear associated with it. Stability, maturity, responsibility and of course the key one Independence, all of these go out of sync! Yet in the previous generation no one gave it a second thought. It seemed like a routine of life. Like you went to school when you grew up, so you had children after you got married.
Highlight: Marriages lasted a lot longer in that generation. The women of that generation seemed content and the men never really had severe health issues till they hit their late 50's.
But forget the previous generation or even everyone around, when I look at myself, I see a tremendous change in me since I have become a parent. Not since I had a child! But since I became a Parent.

Emotional ecosystem: I used to really only think about myself. I know, selfish right!  But becoming a parent, I realized that there was someone who depended on me entirely. I had to think about the world beyond me. My emotional ecosystem started to expand to include strangers I never would have spoken to otherwise. I started to care about the mother who had a baby in her car seat in the next car while I was driving mine. I started to show sympathy to the father who had to handle the tantrums of his child in the shopping mall. I willingly let families with little children step in front of me in a line either at the grocery store or while paying bills.
While we think we become an emotional nutcase, we are actually forming a better world through our caring new nature in the role of  PARENT. 

Mega-Maturity: If you think you are not mature, become a parent. All kinds of maturity starts squirting out of your ears and noes. No! Not the kind that causes you to talk about politics or the civil system. But the kind people call 6th sense. Your maturity increases in the safety of your child and family. Your maturity increases as you make purchases. You maturity increases as you start saving up for a future.
Its almost like you gain a super-power called Maturity!

From Junkier to Healthier: While there are times when I think I am going to have a heart-attack watching my children jump from the swing, becoming a parent definitely caused me to become healthier. For one thing  I know I need more energy and that does not come from lazing around. I realized that the more I exercise the more I  had energy to keep up with the munchkin. As I became a parent, I started obsessing about if the kids were eating a balanced diet. As a result the table was filled only with healthy balanced products. Colas were less frequent and boiled broccoli came up more often.

Freakish Financial Freedom: As a single person or even when we were married and without kids, I never thought about more than the immediate need. We literally splurged all our money every month. We saved up for immediate usage. If I need a car -- I saved up and usually spent more than what I saved in the knowledge that I would not burden anyone or that I could pay it off in a month or two.  But after becoming a parent, I started thinking of long terms plans. Not just buying a house, but paying it off completely! I was saving for retirement. I was putting aside money in a group called 'emergency funds'. I had health and life insurance. I thought about investment in mutual funds that pulled a chunk of money that pinched every year! But at the end of it we were never living from month to month and always had money stuck in little pockets (well Accounts really) that could be pulled out in an urgent situation.

Rabidly Responsible: I remember loving to drive my car to 'Empty' tank and I even remember having to call my DH to bring gas over! I never do that anymore. With two kids in the car, I am constantly watching petrol tank to make sure I am stocked for my drive away from home and back! I did not just buy a car, I made every effort to maintain it. That's not love for my car that's called being a responsible parents. Since becoming a parent, I pay my bill ahead of time not on the last date, I have a well stocked kitchen and pantry and my refrigerator always has butter to whip up cakes and brownies. This not only makes me a responsible parent but also a great host, who always has brownies warm and ready!

Most of us parents think we are doing a favor by raising our kids but if you actually look at all the above we have a lot to be thankful for becoming parents - something that would not be possible without our little munchkins!

WAHM - Neither here nor there

There is a famous saying in Hindi 'Dhobi ka kutta na ghar ka na ghat ka' (Translated: The Washermans dog fits neither in the house nor on the road)

Its rather appropriate for my current situation. i.e. My current job situation. I am a WAHM. Work -AT -Home -MOM. There are many in this category and the thing about us is we are neither here nor there. We cannot really complain about the guilt of leaving our children at home. I feel this made for a good guilt trip - mostly self inflicted. We cannot complain about financial independence because usually WAHM make a pretty good cash. We cannot complain about the traffic because our office is usually the comforts of our home. We essentially have a 'sweet deal'! But somewhere in this sweetness there is a little void!

 I have been through 5 stages in the past 6 years of my life. I went from full time working wife TO full time working mom TO part-time working-mom TO stay-at-home mom (SAHM) TO work-at- home mom (WAHM). I have felt the pain and joys of each stage and I salute all women for just being sane with all the choices and all the drama in between!

What a Working-wife goes through?
If you are in this stage, I would say enjoy girl! Enjoy your work ... become a workaholic... enjoy being with your work friends ... enjoy the freedom from guilt. I know it may still be tough for some women to manage home with office - but I would say enjoy these days like good old college days.

What working-mom goes through?
The working mom goes through guilt and some times rejection. But more importantly the working-mom goes through exhaustion. You may have a maid, a cook, a nanny and your parents helping you - but the exhaustion is something that no one can take away. I remember coming home with pneumonia after one blistery week back at work post maternity leave. I dont think it was the blistery cold that caused the pneumonia. I think it was pure exhaustion. I had till that point toyed  with the idea of going part time. But the pneumonia sealed the deal for me. The guilt of walking out of the door leaving my 3 month old baby still occasionally shows up in my heart and I give Isaac an extra hug!
I never really felt any rejection, because Isaac usually ran into my arms when I reached home. However I have heard of moms complain that all they want to do is run home and hug their child. But the child withdraws into the more familiar nanny's/ grandma's arms.

(PC: clipartpanda.com

What a part-time working mom goes through?
As a part-time working mom you still have a little of the guilt, a little rejection but the exhaustion is still there. When I went part-time I started with the guilt of well I was not at work all the time which meant I would have more time. I took this as a reason to do more work around the house. I eventually turned women-grocer-launderer-cook-cleaner-dishwasher and everything in between while caring for the 1 year old.

My job was super - flexible and my colleagues were super nice. They let me come in at 6 am so I could leave by 10 am. I started feeling guilty! I started to do more than I really needed to. To get from full-time to part-time status, I had to give up one favorite aspect of my work 'Research'.  So in the end I was exhausted, over-worked and frustrated!

What stay-at-home mom goes through?
When we moved to India, I was very excited about the option to stay at home. I thought I would finally  get a break. A friend of mine once had said 'some butts are meant for sitting on the couch' and 'yours is not the kind that can sit on the couch'. He said this in reference to being a SAHM. If I could go back to that conversation, I would scream out loud that SAHM had no time for sitting on the couch. Truthfully I had hoped to put my foot up more often. But being a SAHM there was always something to be done. Bills had to be paid (paying bills online is also a chore and requires time), food had to be bought, meals had to be planned, clothes had to be cleaned and house had to maintained. Any one of these things out of place and you were a lousy SAHM. Well- not really lousy - but you constantly feel judged. I thought that I had handled an full-time job and a home and a baby. SAHM would be a piece of cake. So totally not true. As a SAHM I tried to do  more of my share of chores at home. Anything and everything associated with the house and around the house I felt was my responsibility. Ordering the solar heater , ordering the water softners, getting service done on all equipment, being around for the carpenter, plumber , electrician to fix whatever was broken. But it felt like whether it was done or not, there was no one to appreciate the efforts.
I also felt very guilty about spending money on myself. The lack of financial independence shows up for most moms who have gone through the previous phases of financial independence i.e. the phases above. I would never buy a coffee or indulge in an ice cream alone. I would think a hundred times before taking up hobbies such as baking, painting or stitching.
And then the rejection. It seemed like there was more joy on Isaac's face when he saw my husband return home than the remaining 24 hours I spent with him. I felt rejected.




(PC: clipartpanda.com)

What work-at-home -mom goes through?
And then I woke up one day to an email asking me to work for 20-40 hours a week right from the comforts of my couch!
The reason I call my self the 'Dhobi ka kutta' is I have two kinds of guilt at this point. When I am working I feel like I am not spending enough time with my kids and when I am with the kids I think about all the work I need to get done.  Its like double guilt! And to get over the double guilt, I overdo it! I wake up at crazy hours to work. I plan picnics and activities with the kids to make up for the time I spend with my work. Guess what - double exhaustion.
I do not have work friends where I can whine about 'how the server went down' or 'the annual review'. Well there is a positive - I usually don't have an annual review. But that also means I get really no appreciation from work.
I miss getting out and shopping for groceries or household items. I usually try to get things ordered online to save time.
The 24 hours in the day never seems like enough time to get all the things I want to get done!
All hobbies have been currently been put on a hold!!! So its work -kids-work-kids and repeat as needed!

Reading my above whine list I see two things in common
1. We women suffer from exhaustion. No matter which stage we are in WAHM, SAHM, WM ... We suffer from exhaustion
2. We ladies are not nice to each other. We either believe our grass is greener or the grass on the other side is greener. One thought leads to pride and the other leads to envy. Both are terrible when combined with exhaustion! Remember every mom in every stage is exhausted and could use a little lifting up!

One thing the past 5 stages has taught me is to handle the questions such as 'Arent you bored at home ?' or 'Oh my God how can you leave your child at home?'  I normally handle them both based on the tone of the question. If its a mean question it gets a sarcastic answer. If the tone needs encouragement it gets encouragement. If its just a question - it gets an animated response from an over-enthusiastic WAHM.

While the whine list above may be long, as in everything there is Good.
Working moms enjoy financial independence and friends.
SAHM's are able to completely enjoy their kids
WAHM's are able to do a bit of both.
If you look for joy you can find it in whatever you do! 

Bye Amma - The Saturday after Dussera Camp with Creative Adda

October  2nd to October 11th .. 8 Glorious weekdays... where I did not have to wake up and plan school for the day for Isaac.

Thanks to Creative Adda for a fabulous camp.  It was a great time to realize that my son was independent. At least when he wanted to be - he could be on his own.
For 8 days I had the amazing feeling of what it must to be to send kids off to school. Not because I want to .... but it was just nice. I also got to spend 3 wonderful hours with Ziva... Just the two of us... Walking around the neighborhood... reading books her age and not having to split my hair trying to divide my attention between two kids.
Suresh dropped Isaac every morning by 10 am. His biggest complaint 'Isaac doesnt even say bye to me . He just runs off'
One of the days Suresh complained that Isaac saw Kuhu (Kanchan's older daughter about 7 years) and just ran off with her. Not looking back once. :)

Just to mention  ... my favorite thing about these camps are the range of ages  .. 3-12 years. It kind of strengthens my pursuit of homeschooling where a thought is not to restrains kids to one age group. Kids learn to mingle with all age groups. Of course activities are age appropriate ... but communication is across all. Expectation of discipline and behavior is uniform. They may not all comply but still ... More importantly kids learn a lot from older kids (Sometimes bad sometimes good). Just like Ziva has figured out a lot of songs just by listening to Isaac.

I would leave home about 12:15  and go to pick up Isaac, finishing off groceries and other chores along the way . Great schedule.

The changes we saw in Isaac during this camp were.
1. He did not want Suresh or me to hang out with him
2. He enjoyed the dancing this time  even humming the songs. Thanks Kreative Steps
3. We heard he was picking fights - I know this is nothing to be proud of ... but we had heard from a few moms in the park that he was not standing up for himself. So when Kanchan told me that he and a few other boys of the same age were forming a human pile I could not help actually saying 'Thank God'. Kanchan looked at me with disbelief and so I shared the theory about his lack of 'aggression', she reassured me 'Oh you dont have to worry about that' :)
4. Art, Craft and the general use of fevicol has been set firmly in his 4 year old heart - Thanks Artsy craftsy.

But the biggest victory of independence was what we saw the Saturday after Dussera Camp. I mentioned to Isaac on Saturday October 19th that if he ate his breakfast quickly and alone, I would take him to art class. I got a message from Kanchan a few minutes later asking to just start class in November (since I was planning to take Isaac in the middle of the week and join him up also for regular Kreative steps class).
Isaac started wailing ... protesting on how he wanted to go for Artsy Crafsty.
I messaged Kanchan ... pleading ... 'Please let him come today.'
And so at 9:50 we were at Brigade Metropolis. At the doorstep of Creative Adda. I was chatting with Kanchan about the week and asking about fees etc. Few kids trickled in and Kanchan asked them all including Isaac to got sit down in the room. A few more minutes of chatting and Isaac came and tugged on Kanchan's hand . 'Aunty you come in. Bye Amma!'
BOOM!
My mommy heart broke into a million pieces. My 4 year old did not need me to keep him company. At least not in the prescence of ART and DANCE.

At the dinner table

We have a few bad habits.... OK well many ... but one we are working on is the computer at the table while eating. I use the computer while feeding the two munchkins at the table and simultaneously trying to down my lunch.

Previously I used to use this tactic at the dinner table too. But Suresh is slowly encouraging us to get out of this habit. Just to clarify ... I am not watching ... rather Isaac and Ziva automatically open their mouths if the computer is running their favorite rhymes. They would eat even if the computer was not on, as Suresh often points out. But then I need to continuously talk and involve them in what their eating and their day in general.

But we are slowly moving out of this habit at the dinner table.
Reason 1: Suresh helps with feeding one of them.
Reason 2: Conversation ... activities ... learning... independence ... etc

So here is how it started one day... It was noodles nights. Noodles is a favorite with Isaac. I cannot remember when I had told him about eating noodles with a chopstick ... or shown it in a book ... or how he remembered it. But he asked for chopsticks. That's like a clean up nightmare. But I thought what the heck ... our house isnt spik and span anyway ... Besides we have two dogs ... they would love the tit-bits falling to the floor. There was a lot of frustration in using the chopsticks that evening ... but we all enjoyed it... including Isaac. We showed him how to twirl his noodles with the fork and get a good mouthful. We talked about food and sang songs about food and in about 1/2 hr dinner was done! Probably the fastest. A couple of  noodle  nights later (say a few weeks) and Isaac was able to twirl his noodles on his own and enjoyed noodle night more for the fork and chopsticks than anything else. We have since moved on to drinking soup with a spoon. This is equated to = why did I give you a bath = change your T-shirt = messy high chair night!

Isaac is just about the age when he wants to do a lot on his own. Buttoning shirts, putting on shoes, opening doors and eating. While my feeding habits had been depriving him of that independence .... a new nights of forks and chopsticks have helped get things into perspective for me. I now try to have a conversation (whose your friend in the park, who did you play with, what did Ziva do) when possible and only if I am totally exhausted turn on the Computer. I see that this has helped Isaac sit at the table un-entertained or self-entertained for a longer period of time. Ziva still has a lower limit on sitting at the table. We are working on it!