Life is not a snapshot!

If I can just get past this exam, I will be great.

If I can just get into a good engineering college , I will be fine.

If I can just get into 'an' engineering college, I will be good.

If I can just  make it past these 4 years,  life will be normal again.

If I can just find a job, I will be good.

If I can just get into grad school, things will work out.

If I can just make it past my thesis defense, I will party.

If I can just finish my residency, I am sure I will get a great job.

If I can just find a perfect guy, life will be a piece of cake.

If I can just get married to the nice guy without the world being at war with me, things would be perfect.

If I can just have a child, life would be super duper

If I can .....

 
We all go through those stages of life. Each stage seems uncertain and scary. It always seems like if you can just pass those scary stages, life will be perfect. If you can just pass this one crazy phase in life then all will work out.
But life is not a snapshot! Its not about that one moment of pain when you lose someone you love. Its not about that one moment of joy when you hold your child in your arms. Yes those are the special moments. But life is all the craziness in the middle. Sometimes in the midst of all the craziness there is a strong desire to press the eject button. My way of 'eject button' is to go into hiding. Stay low and let the wave go over!

The above statements describes all of me for the past 40 years. Initially stressing about each and every exam. Then the jobs and then getting married etc. Half the time I didn't know what I was doing.
To put it in F.R.I.E.N.D.S philosophy : It seemed like there was a plan ... everything was all figured out ..But now its just 'floopy'.
Actually ... if you look around almost no one has a clue of what is going on. Some are just getting rocked about by the waves of life and ... others are the waves of life!
But again with the F.R.I.E.N.D.S philosophy: It's all gonna come together and it's gonna be un-floopy!

Notice after the last line ... I kind of stopped....
If I can just have a child, life would be super duper

.... Once Isaac came, life was super duper for sure. But there were so many floopy moments still. Moments where I felt like I was going to drown. But some how it became un-floopy and I rose above the wave. It was around the time that Suresh's mom passed away. A big wave for me! Maybe my faith got hit more than anything and it washed me to the shore till I picked up and decided to dive back into the ocean called L.I.F.E. You can't sit on the shore forever! With the arrival of Ziva, I had another round of floopy to un-floopy. I had been wallowing so long in the self-pity of being a terrible mother that I was honestly terrified of baby #2. But the ease of being her mother made me realize - motherhood was not a snapshot. There were going to be floopy and un-floopy moments!

Life is not about losing that job or getting it.
Life is not about buying that dream house or moving.
Life is not about an empty womb or one abundantly filled.
Life is not perfect ... but if you rise above the wave each time... look around ...It's beautiful!




Before the morning - Josh Wilson


Do you wonder why you have to,
Feel the things that hurt you,
If there's a God who loves you,
Where is He now?

Or maybe, there are things you can't see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending
Some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,
That you still have a reason to sing,
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling,
It can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on, and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling,
It's just the dark before the morning

The introvert and the extrovert – Childhood opened up!

My son is most likely what they call a Melancholic. While I do not want to necessarily categorize him in a box… he is what he is!

My daughter is more likely a sanguine. While I do not want to necessarily categorize her in a box… she is what she is!

Watching and learning their temperaments has helped me immensely understand my children. While in my urge to be a good mother, I push and pull them in all directions of socialization and learning, I have now realized that at some point I am actually putting my personality on my children. Understanding their personality has also helped me step back when I know I have crossed way beyond their comfort zone.

Melancholic’s are quiet and analytical. That describes Isaac in and out. He is a family man. He loves his house and his family and is content being right here at home. There were times that I would get really worried about him. 

.....READ MORE

The Sanguine and the Melancholic - Ziva's world

There is this pretty cool thing that I discovered recently. TEMPERAMENTS. We each have a different temperament
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_temperaments
Lots of things are involved in how our temperaments are formed. As part of a marriage seminar, Suresh and I took the temperament test.
I am a Choleric
Suresh is a Phelgmatic.
Suddenly my husband made so much sense to me! I have always loved him! But now he made sense!
As a consequence of the temperament analysis I now walk around looking at people through the eye glass of temperaments! I am not judging - its just that they make more sense!

Guess who comes under the scrutiny of this eye glass! Of course Isaac and Ziva.
Yesterday I was talking to Isaac and Ziva about the paralyzed man and his four friends from the book of Matthew 9:2-6. The story is about four friends bringing their paralyzed friend to Jesus to be healed. Ahhh - Good friends! The ones who stick around even when you are paralyzed.

I finished the story and asked Isaac
Me: Who is your best friend Isaac?
Isaac (Without a blink): Jeremey
Me: Who is your best friend Ziva?
Ziva: Suzanna and Natania and Akshaya and Aaron and Audrey!
Me: OK Ziva! But tell me one name who is your best friend!
Ziva (Pause ... whines) : But Amma ... I want all the girls and all the boys to be my best friend!

Typical Sanguine!  They love you the most and forget you the fastest ;)

Amma - You said Stupid!

I love blaming the TV for poor language.
I love blaming external influences for my kids fighting and being rough. Just a few weeks back Isaac and Ziva were pushing each other playfully calling out 'Chota bheem'. We do not have cable in our house and they have not really had much time at other places to totally absorb the characteristics of this TV character (one I am not terribly fond of). I asked them where they got this game from and they mentioned a friend they played with. I reprimanded them and it took a few threats of spankings before they stopped playing it. I enjoyed laying the blame on some TV show that was played in someone else house.
I enjoyed blaming Suresh for screaming IDIOT in the car every time a bike or car cut him off on the road. I emotionally threatened him that the kids would pick up the word and start using it.

I enjoyed blaming everyone and everything else and living in my little bubble of holiness ... till Isaac burst my bubble!
I cannot remember where or how I had told him 'Stupid' was not a good word to say. But something about it registered in him. He doesn't register phonics or numbers I teach him... but this word stays in head!

It was Sunday morning. Sunday morning is always 'crazy' morning for me. Getting things ready to get going to church may seem simple ... but it was always chaos by 10 am (when its time to leave). 
It was close to this time when I handed over multivitamin in a small cup to Isaac and Ziva.  Usually they are very good at drinking it with no spill. But on this particular morning Ziva picked her cup and turned it upside down. Laughing while she did it.'
I yelled  ' You stupid ... stupid girl! Look what you did'
I was just glad she didn't have clothes on her.
Isaac: 'Amma you said 'Stupid'. You should not say stupid'

 

I stopped! I had no words.
Me: I am sorry Isaac. I did not mean to. Ziva I am so sorry.
A few minutes later Suresh walked down the stairs.
Isaac: Appa- Amma said 'Stupid'.

BUSTED!

We think our kids are most influenced by their peers. But we always fail to see how much we can influence them. Its the small moments like the one I described above that can make and break my child's character. So all us parents out there .... think about what you are doing to set a good example, to be a good influence or build some character before you go about blaming the TV, friends and other external influences for your child's behaviour

 - Guilty mom!

A favorite quote that reminds me what a great influence we parents are on our kids

'When you teach her (your daughter), she learns more rapidly. When you guide her, she gains confidence. If you fully understand just how profoundly you can influence your daughter's life, you would be terrified, overwhelmed, or both. Boyfriends, brothers, even husbands can't shape her character the way you do. You will influence her entire life because she gives you an authority she gives no other man'

From Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters - by Dr. Meg Meeker.

Sipping hot cocoa with a friend

I always dreamed about being my child's best friend. This was before I had kids. I promised myself I would be understanding and logical and a fun mom! But that was before all the yelling and screaming and tantrums. That was before I realized that kids are completely illogical.

But things are changing. I had a friend in the US who told me ... "the first two years are very hard and then it becomes really easy"
She was encouraging me as I was wallowing in my own pity about how close my kids were in age to each other. The first two years have come and gone and it seems like she knew what she was talking about. There is still yelling and screaming and things that never make sense ... but there are these moments that make you feel like things will become easy!

Ziva is still at the age where sentences don't always make sense and communication is more about yes's and no's

But my four year old Isaac ... well he seems like a big boy now. With a sense of humor and memories and thoughts that do not necessarily know the time of events .... but clearly remember events!

I have often heard him talking to himself. In vague interrupted sentences he recollects conversations, promises and vague happenings.
It was one such afternoon that he asked for 'once more' that made me realized that inspite of my yelling and screaming ... there were moments he enjoyed with me too.

It was one afternoon that I woke Isaac up a little earlier than Ziva and we sat down to read a few stories. I am not sure which story it was ... or how the talk about hot chocolate came. But I asked him 'Isaac you want some hot chocolate.
He nodded a yes and looked a little excited.
We made the milk hot ... put in the drinking cocoa ... and to give things an added interest I pulled out a piece of Dairy milk from the refrigerateur and asked him to drop it into the milk.

He looked surprised but followed instructions as he watched me drop my piece into the milk and stir it.
We took our hot chocolate out to the steps and watched the school kids return home. He watched me stir my chocolate ... and sip and he imitated me.

A few days later ... another early wake up with Isaac and even before he was fully awake he requested
'Can I have hot chocolate and put chocolate in it?'

I nodded ... pleased with myself. Happy that I had started a new tradition ... just mom and son (and when Ziva stops needing afternoon naps she can join us too.)
Sipping cocoa on the steps .. two friends ... watching the afternoon slip into evening ....