A tale of two ladies

'How old are your children?' I ask her
'I have two boys. The older one is eleven and the other is six' she replies. She continues as she sees a stunned expression on my face which I cannot hide.
She: ' I was married at sixteen you see'.
I am again at a loss of words and so she realizes it may be a good time to put her chores aside for a bit and just talk. So she squats and puts down her broom
She: ' You see my father was very old and I am the youngest in the family. My mother was afraid that if he passed away the burden of my wedding would fall on her. So she got me married of as soon as I finished my SSLC (10th standard)'.
I smile at her and then look down at my daughter peacefully sleeping in my arms.  I wonder deep down -- what age will my little girl get married. I look up to see her still squatting in the middle of the room, the broom still by her side
She: 'Daughters are a blessing arent they? I wish I had a daughter'.
I laugh 'Well you are young you can always have another child'.
'Oh no' she quickly replies 'I would just like to raise these two boys well! You see my husband is much older than me' .
'Really' I say ' How old?'.
She: 'Well they married me to my uncle'.
Me: '!!!! Really'. Seeing the shock in my face she replies 'Oh among us it is quite common'. I smile. I had heard of that custom among some of the Indian cultures. Then she says 'Hmmm! My life was wasted'
Me :'Why? Is your husband mean to you?'
She with a giggle: 'Oh no! Not at all.'
Me:' Does he hit you?'
She: ' Oh no! He takes very good care of me'
Me: ' Then why do you say that?'
She: 'When I would have really like to study some more but they got me married off'

We are interrupted by the arrival of 2 year old Isaac and his father. She picks up her broom and continues her chores.
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A few months later, she is complaining to me about the ironing lady not returning our clothes. Even though I tell her I am not concerned she continues ' Mam you must tell her to bring back the clothes and take the next lot'. I nod my head thinking: yes of course I must---- right after I clean this dirty diaper.
Me:' It OK! We don't need the clothes right away. Besides she works at other homes she is is probably busy.'
She (sounding annoyed):'Her husband is supposed to iron the clothes'
Me:  'Then we need to speak with him now dont we'
She: ' He is drunk all the time... '
Me: ' Oh! So who irons the clothes'  I almost wanted to bite my tongue after saying that since my concern was really not the clothes even though it sounded that way.
She: ' Sometimes she has to do it on her own after she does work at houses'
Me: 'See now, how could you say your life was wasted the other day! Your husband takes good care of you! Imagine the plight of this poor lady. She has to do her work and her drunk husbands too!'
She smiles :'Very true mam'

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A few months later she calls up holding back her tears
She:' Mam I wont be coming to work today. Hope it is ok'
Me:' Sure! Are you ok?'
She:' Yes Mam! But my husband is in the hospital'
Me: ' Oh! What happened to him?'
She: ' He is diabetic and has some issues with his health'
Me: 'Ok let me know if you need any help.'
She: 'Yes Mam' and she quickly hangs up
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She comes back to work two days later
Me: 'Is he feeling better'
She: 'Yes Mam but he needs to rest for a month or so. He wont be returning to work for a while'
Me: 'Oh ok!'
She: 'My mother was so scared of having to get me married off without my father that she got me married off to someone so much older. He has all these health issues. Now I am suffering! My life is wasted. I just want my boys to grow up quickly so they can take care of themselves.'

I really have no words of encouragement for her. I have no smart advice or comparisons to drunken husbands to give her. I just watch her wipe her eyes as she carries on with her chores

Completely Inappropriate!

I had a letter to post the other day. I decided to take Isaac along with me since its much easier to take care of one kid at one time. Ziva gets left behind a lot nowadays and I can see that she is going to begin protesting.
Anyway.
We made our way to the post office and I set Isaac down. He immediately got uncomfortable with all the strangers around. He kept insisting on being picked up. So I handed him a piece of paper and some crayons. It seems like the best entertainment for Isaac these days is scribbling. He does a pretty decent 'A' and plenty of circles in the midst of scribbling.
He gladly took the paper and moved to a nearby chair and went at it while I joined the line to pay for stamp. As I was watching him, one of the postmen, a slightly older gentleman, came over and was helping an old lady put her thumb impression on some pieces of paper. He looked over at Isaac and watched him writing. He grinned, shook his head and then patted Isaac on his butt!
How inappropriate! Had I been in the US, that would have been my thought. But being here in India and watching a man help an old lady put a thumb impression and then watching a little 2 year old passionately scribble ... very different sentiments!
Isaac was completely stunned!

PS: In India people dont ask before they pinch your kids cheeks or carry them ... doesnt mean there are no bad people. Just that people show affection to kiddos a little more easily!

Remembering Her

It has been two years since she left us. And even though I know she is in a better place, my heart yearns to see her now! My heart yearns to watch her play with her grand children. My ears want to hear  her tell stories about her childhood. I know it would have annoyed me since she would have said that Isaac was exactly like Suresh when he was a kid and probably Ziva was like Zoraida! But for just one second I would love to hear all that!

We celebrated her life on July 28th 2012. It was small prayer meeting with songs and prayers and testimonies! It was good to hear about her life from someone else's lips. A few conversations/testimonies that I would like to remember forever
Zoraida : I dont feel like she is gone.. in my mind she I feel like she has gone out to visit someone and will soon be back.

Athai: You know a week before she passed she did the Rehoboth employees salary list!

Sheila Akka: She had so much of grace.

Santaman mama: She loved going to school so much that she would pack her bag and try to follow older sister Komala. Once we had to go to the police station because we had lost her!

Berti Mama: When I say Kalyani drive the car I went back and decided if she could do it so could I. I went back to Tirunelveli and got my driving licence.

My most favorite one
Princy: I dont think Athai would have ever imagined that our family would have so many little ones just two years down! This is what she prayed for all the time (she was saying this as she and I tried to herd Abigail, Isaac and Ziva across a road.

WAITING TO SEE YOU AMMA!

Please .... Thank You ... I'm sorry

Kids these days are rude .... Ok  let me correct myself. Indian kids these days are rude! Every time I don't hear the 'Please' ...'Thank You' or the 'Sorry' , I wonder - was I this rude when I was a kid. I bet I was!
Let me start close at home. I remember a correction in good manners. I was about 8 or 9 years old and I was playing with a friend of mine when an old aunty who was a neighbor of ours walked by. I continued to play but my friend stopped and said ' Good evening aunty!'. I suddenly realised something was amiss and quickly followed along with her and said 'Good evening aunty'. The aunty stopped and greeted us both and then turned to me and said 'You have never greeted me before!'. I felt the size of an ANT. But from that day I always made it a point to stop my games and greet the older folk who lived in our building.

Lord Please can I have a balloon today! PLEASE

Suresh and I were discussing manners on our drive to Chennai. We had some quality time in the car while the two kids took a nap. We were mainly discussing it because I got this article from Baby center Babycenter. The title of the article says Intro to Manner for your 2 year old. I thought are you kidding me... he is two he should know more than an intro to manners. The article also spoke about table manners (Table Manners) which I thought would be lovely to introduce into Isaac's routine. I was catching Suresh up on the things we could add to our daily lunch and dinner routine when Suresh said the following. 'We Indians are rude'
Me: 'huh! Why do you say that?'
Suresh: 'I still remember in the US when I started working and I had to ask subordinates to do something they would say -- Say please! It was the same for all the Indians who worked in our team.'

Its so true. In the US, you better say 'please' and 'thank you'  no matter who you are and what  degree/ title you hold. I guess we learnt some manners in the US! I had to deal a lot with patients in the US and since it involved collecting data from them I really had to grovel a lot. I said a lot of  'Please's and 'Thank you's throughout my Ph.D.
A cousin of mine once said that the American's could be so pseudo. She said ' The just say hi - how are you and turn away and dont wait for a reply'. I thought that was true till I understood a little more of the US culture. The statement 'Hi! How are you?'  was not something that needed a long drawn response. It was a way of acknowledging one another as you crossed each other in the corridors. For the longest time in our new neighborhood here in India I used to smile at neighbors and workman and receive no response. Now I make it a point to use the 'Hi! How are you?' (i.e. I acknowledge your presence!). I say a big 'good morning' or tell Isaac/Ziva to say hello.
Here in India the gardeners and dog walkers are shocked when I say thank you. In fact they are so shocked that some of them say 'thank you' back to me

I see a lot of Indian parents these days concentrate really hard on good scores, doing well in competitions and coming first in class. But none really pay attention to manners. I believe it is not part of the curriculum so teachers do not teach it and even if they do, parents do not enforce it. I have heard conversations between parents and children (~ 6-9 year olds) where the child says 'What did I tell you?' in a rather demanding voice or 'Just do it nah'. In the back of my mind I am thinking I will smack Isaac if he talks to me that way. I think a part of the problem is the 'cool' parents attitude. We are so interested in being friends with our kids that they (i.e. the kids) forget who's in charge. I remember telling my nephew ' I am your aunt not your best pal .... ask me nicely and I may just give it to you.'
Being the cool aunt is very important to me ... but more important  is when he gets into the outside world I dont want him to have to feel like he is groveling for his demands being met. The 'Please' and 'Thank you' should just be natural!

Chicken Little

Bringing this topic closer to home - Isaac George Joel
Isaac learnt to say 'Please' and 'Thank you' very quickly. He even learnt to say 'Excuse me' after he sneezed and ' God bless you' when some else sneezed. It all seemed very cute till we realized that it was very hard to get him to say 'I'm sorry'. Even now when he says 'I am sorry' I feel like he doesnt mean it. It burdens me because of what I read in a book by Tedd Tripp.  Quoting the below from Shepharding a Child's heart by Tedd Tripp
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'The heart determines behavior' (Mark 7:21-22 For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come—sexual immorality, theft, murder, ²² adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly.) 
What your children say and do is a reflection of what is in their hearts. Luke 6:45
A change in behavior that does not stem from a change in heart is not commendable; it is condemable


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Reading this makes me realize that the lack of please and thank you's show a lack of gratitude in my child's heart. In Isaac's case the lack of sorry shows a lack of repentance.
 As Ziva is turning into one little 'rowdy' I know that tough times are ahead with the two toddlers. Not only teaching them to say words of gratitude but to feel it also.

Tough parenting days ahead!

Homeschool: Week Two ETC ...

A friend of mine  ... Rachel Thomas ... aka Beena ... often said this 'Childbirth is how women enter the Kingdom of heaven'. I think she meant that the pain of childbirth was so much that probably God felt 'OK -- now you can come in'
I reflect on it and think ... its not just childbirth .... but the entire process of child rearing. For me I know if I can live a day without yelling at Isaac ... God may hopefully just give me entry!

It has been about a month now since we started the whole homeschooling bit. Not that keeping a 2.5 year old at home can be called homeschooling ... but the fact that I have certain goals for Isaac this year makes the term schooling appropriate. I think both Isaac and I have had fun. Some days have been frustrating when Isaac just doesn't want to sit down and listen to me read or when he dips all his fingers into the paint  or when he mixes all the colors in the palate to get what we can only call BLACK!  But we have had fun! Let me list out a few things we did together:

1. On about a daily basis Isaac and I go through A,B C ... both big and small. He already recognizes big alphabets and in the past month has started to recognize most of the small alphabets as well. It is a joy to watch him point 'e' in the newspaper. Apparently 'e' is his favorite small alphabet or it is just easy to recognize. The easy part about this learning bit is I can even do  it at the dinning table while we are eating breakfast and Isaac enjoys watching me write the alphabets out!

2. We are learning to count from 1 to 30. We occasionally miss 15 ... :)

3. Isaac has been listening to 'Mozart' uncle , 'Beethoven' uncle and 'Bach' uncle. He actually enjoys them and recognizes one song from the other i.e. You can ask Isaac 'Which uncle's music is this? and he knows it. I am surprised mainly because I am tone deaf. I guess Isaac gets his music genes from the other side of the family. It is our favorite nap time music!

4. Creativity : We painted egg shells, made a flag (Indian Flag), made a fan, made many boats, baked several cakes, made cake pops and ginger bread man ... among other activities.

5. During our errands run we had the opportunity to visit the local electrical shop. Isaac sat and intently watched the electrician put together a plug. I kept talking to him about it ... how there were three wires etc  and in the evening Dad got a 101 on Isaac's trip to the electrical shop!

6. We have been translating everything to Malayalam. At least everything within my Malayalam vocabulary. We have also been learning Malayalam alphabets. Isaac does a good aaa aaaaahhh  eee eeeeh!

7. We received a few flipkart.com gift cards and decided to use it on three of Isaac's favorite books : Big Red Barn, Its Time to Sleep and Drummer boy! Boy have we read those three a 1000 times now. Isaac also found the first book we ever read to him : Good night Moon!

A few unplanned progress notes. Well they say it takes a village to raise a child ... I did not realize how precise that statement was till the other day I heard Isaac telling his aunty (the maid) ' Aunty ethu cycle irruku maa ' roughly translated 'Aunty this is a cycle'. Thanks to constant effort from the maid Isaac has been learning a little Tamil! Yeah for a new language!
Quotes from Isaacland
Aunty to Isaac ' Athu enna Isaac?' (What is that Isaac?)
Isaac ' Blue'
Aunty was actually pointing at some animal in his book and Isaac misunderstood it for the color. Aunty repeats her questions
Aunty to Isaac ' Athu enna Isaac?' (What is that Isaac?)
Isaac ' Blue'
Aunty to Isaac: 'Illa Isaac. Athu enna irruku ma?' (What is that Isaac?)
Isaac exasperated:  ' Athu Blue iruku ma' (this is blue! )
Isaac assumed if he put 'irrukuma' at the end of his sentence she would finally get it!

I have learnt a lot of things these past couple of weeks
1. I love classical music and look forward to Symphony #40 , Fur Elise and Prelude !
2. I can actually draw!!!!!! OK ... I can copy stuff. I drew a horse and a cow and duck and now they actually look like those animal
3. I need a lotttttttttt more patience!

I think this post would go amiss if I did not mention that we start each day with a prayer. Being the mother in the family I have always desired to start the day with a prayer with the entire family. But with chaotic schedules I never was able to do it. Now that we are homeschooling, Isaac and I spend a few minutes thanking God for a lovely day, Isaac's friends, safe travel for appa, patience for Amma and to play well with Ziva! I can say that he listens keenly to the prayer!

Den's meeting

I AM TRANSFERRING MY FACEBOOK NOTES TO MY BLOG .... PLEASE FORGIVE IF YOU HAVE ALREADY READ!
FROM --- DECEMBER 9 2010

Last Tuesday I was called to speak at a Cubs scout meeting.

Topic:  Communicating with someone who cannot speak in English
My Qualification: I can speak more than one language (and translate into English)
Audience: 4th and 5th grader boys

I was actually nervous. Kids that age can ask and say the darnest things! (in Cosby's language). I agreed to do this as a favor for a colleague whose son is part of the scouts. I have admired Thomas' participation in his sons scout activities.
As I was driving to Fort Smallwood Elementary - I had several desires to call in sick. I am glad I did not because I had a blast.





When I walked in - they were all curious. Then they were all giggly, then they were all distracted, then they were all talkative, then they were all interested and finally when I walked out they were all quiet. I left the room with lots of hands still raised for questions. But alas we had run out of time.
Some excerpts from the meeting

1. Boy: What religion are you?
    Me: What religions do you know of?
    Boy: Well there are Christians, Buddists, The salvation army

2. Me: I am going to teach you three important phrases in Hindi. Can you tell me three important phrases in English?
    Boy1: Whats up?
    Boy2: Hot Dog
    [ I was going for please, sorry and thank you]

3. Me: (with a picture in my hand) The peacock is the national bird of India -- What is the national bird of the US?
    Boy: oooo - The Orioles
    [for those who do not know the Orioles are the Baseball team of Baltimore and also a bird]

4. Boy: How much is the dollar worth in Indian money
    Me: (shocked that a 10 year old thought about currency and glad that I had checked the conversion rate that day) $1 = 44 rupees

5. Boy: Why did you come to the US?
    Me: I wonder why every day!

6. Parent: When you first came here was there anything that gave you a culture shock?
    Me: Yes  purple colored hair
    Boy : Oh they probably colored it!
    Parent: You think?

7. This is probably my favorite one - because we Indians pride ourselves on knowing many Indian languages but few of us have ventured into other nation languages
    Boy: Do you know any other languages other than Indian languages
    Me: I learnt a little French in school
    Boy: So what is 'Hello' in Italian?
    Me: huh!

8. Boy: Did you find any word difficult in English
    Me: Wolleyball (Yes with a W)
    [Thomas had to explain this one to them]

9. Boy: How old are you
    Whole crowd -- booo
    Me: Why dont you guess?
    Parent: Be careful they have no concept of age!
    Boy1: 20
    Boy2: 40

Lets call it a night :)

Cant wait for Isaac too join the scouts!

Cutting tomatoes

I AM TRANSFERRING MY FACEBOOK NOTES TO MY BLOG .... PLEASE FORGIVE IF YOU HAVE ALREADY READ!
FROM --- DECEMBER 2 2010
 
There is something I admire in three men - My dad, My husband and my father -in law -- they can cook. And not just any cooking - good cooking. Good enough to feed others.
There are 4 reasons why I believe men turn out to be good cooks.
1. they like to cook
2. they are pulled far away from mama's apron and have to learn to cook
3. their mama's teach them to cook and
4. their wives let them cook

My father's mutton curry and his beef pickle are famous and delicious! My friends parents would call home for recipes.
My father -in- law was known for his chicken curry and seafood dishes. I have heard him giving Suresh recipes of how to increase the taste of fish curry - 'Add shallots kanna'
And Suresh! Boy can he cook. Not bragging - but the man is willing to try any cuisine - as long as there is a lot of butter and spice involved. Suresh has two theories
a. The taste of the food is directly proportional to the amount of butter!
b. The taste of the food is directly proportional to the amount of spice!
He had a friend once tease him that there was a bucket of chilly powder above our stove with a rope attached. When Suresh starts to cook - he just yanks on the rope and thats the amount of spice the recipe calls for!
Suresh's interest in cooking comes from point (1) & (3) above. He apparently spent many a dinner time in the kitchen chatting with mom and sister and watching them cook and learning from them

Cutting

I was watching Rachel Ray on TV the other day and she mentioned how kids could help out in the kitchen from a young age using a plastic knife. I decided immediately to experiment on Isaac - Results - he enjoyed cutting tomatoes. They weren't in the best shape and half  was eaten as well.
Among the things I hope Isaac gets from Suresh - I hope he gets
1. His love for his mama
2. His love for cooking

Eating