Since I wrote my previous blog about modesty and my little girl, I have had a little conversation with neighbor and awesome conservationist Debjani Banerjee.
Debjani Banerjee Rohini George: i am going to have to argue with you on this. As the "other mother" referred to in the blog, I would have to say that the coach's attitude was extremely problematic and far from fatherly. First, there is an assumption on his part, that if my daughter wears a tank top and shorts, boys will LOOK and then, there is the assumption that if my daughter dresses more "modestly" they will not. The entire "gaze" perverted to use your word, depends on the clothes the woman wears. Unless we are able to condition boys and men differently, this is a vicious cycle and a dangerous argument. The Nirbhaya episode in December had brought this out quite clearly. We can protect our girls as we will continue to do; but this coach's prescription will not make the world safer for them to live.
Rohini George Debjani Banerjee ... completely agree with your argument ... mainly because I am the girl in the tank top, shorts, etc. But I am also beginning to believe that we need to meet the boys/men half way through. Just to be fair to both sexes ... since both you and I have a boy in household
Debjani Banerjee Absolutely Rohini George: which is why I refuse to have them monster-ized (sorry, thats not really a word) --ALL boys will look...that is very problematic. At the same time, boys too, need help to re-position their gaze and their response to girls/women. Hope our girls can inherit a safer world.
Debjani Banerjee Rohini George: i am going to have to argue with you on this. As the "other mother" referred to in the blog, I would have to say that the coach's attitude was extremely problematic and far from fatherly. First, there is an assumption on his part, that if my daughter wears a tank top and shorts, boys will LOOK and then, there is the assumption that if my daughter dresses more "modestly" they will not. The entire "gaze" perverted to use your word, depends on the clothes the woman wears. Unless we are able to condition boys and men differently, this is a vicious cycle and a dangerous argument. The Nirbhaya episode in December had brought this out quite clearly. We can protect our girls as we will continue to do; but this coach's prescription will not make the world safer for them to live.
Rohini George Debjani Banerjee ... completely agree with your argument ... mainly because I am the girl in the tank top, shorts, etc. But I am also beginning to believe that we need to meet the boys/men half way through. Just to be fair to both sexes ... since both you and I have a boy in household
Debjani Banerjee Absolutely Rohini George: which is why I refuse to have them monster-ized (sorry, thats not really a word) --ALL boys will look...that is very problematic. At the same time, boys too, need help to re-position their gaze and their response to girls/women. Hope our girls can inherit a safer world.
I realized at this point, that the only people Debjani and I could change were our own children. Just like Debjani, I want a safer world for not just my daughter, but also my son. And for this I need my son to respect all women and turn his gaze away when he needs to. I need to tell my daughter that if she does not want to be gazed at, she should not wear clothes that will not cause her to be gazed at and she should be sensible enough to know the difference between a place that is and is no OK.
But that being said ... I remember being completely suited up waiting for the train at the Baltimore Light rail station and got a compliment ... well lets hope we can call it a compliment ... Someone passed by and said ... 'Oh my I think I've seen an angel'. Flattered as I may have been, I felt scared, unsafe and just wanted to get home. I guess this is what Debjani meant when she said ... it was also up to the boys to look away.
Bottom line. I will teach my son to look at women with respect. I will teach my daughter that she cannot get all men to turn their gaze away .. so she needs to be wary of her surroundings. And to give them this lesson, I may have to wait another 8-10 years.
But while I am waiting ...
I urge mother's to talk to their sons. You are the only ones that can make the world safer for all the daughters out there.
I ask all Dad's to teach daughters about self-esteem and that it comes from being a strong woman (not necessarily brave) not giving into the whims of men around.
I ask all mom's to tell their daughters about modesty and individuality (something I struggled with myself).
I ask all dad's to show their sons that being a man is not about showing it on a woman or being part of a mob. Being a man is also about being able to protect the ones you love and since you may not always be around to protect the ones you love, protect the ones others love too! i.e. Take it literally when you make the national pledge 'All Indians are my sisters ... mothers... aunts... '
As Debjani puts it so well - Hope our girls inherit a safer world.
But that being said ... I remember being completely suited up waiting for the train at the Baltimore Light rail station and got a compliment ... well lets hope we can call it a compliment ... Someone passed by and said ... 'Oh my I think I've seen an angel'. Flattered as I may have been, I felt scared, unsafe and just wanted to get home. I guess this is what Debjani meant when she said ... it was also up to the boys to look away.
Bottom line. I will teach my son to look at women with respect. I will teach my daughter that she cannot get all men to turn their gaze away .. so she needs to be wary of her surroundings. And to give them this lesson, I may have to wait another 8-10 years.
But while I am waiting ...
I urge mother's to talk to their sons. You are the only ones that can make the world safer for all the daughters out there.
I ask all Dad's to teach daughters about self-esteem and that it comes from being a strong woman (not necessarily brave) not giving into the whims of men around.
I ask all mom's to tell their daughters about modesty and individuality (something I struggled with myself).
I ask all dad's to show their sons that being a man is not about showing it on a woman or being part of a mob. Being a man is also about being able to protect the ones you love and since you may not always be around to protect the ones you love, protect the ones others love too! i.e. Take it literally when you make the national pledge 'All Indians are my sisters ... mothers... aunts... '
As Debjani puts it so well - Hope our girls inherit a safer world.
Rohini, I have to agree with Debjani. Just Google "male gaze" and "Feminist theory" - it makes for interesting reading(the way men look at women and objectify them. We studied it in Xavier's as part of our Feminist Literary Criticism and, as a 19-year-old, it left a lasting impression on me.
ReplyDeleteJust a for instance to my perspective. If I wear shorts and a tank top to the village outside my house, I can and must expect to be stared/gazed at. I am not saying its OK for them to stare ... but I must see a little of life from their perspective i.e. lack of exposure (pun ;)). However the same is not acceptable at Xaviers. In Xaviers I expect the boys to be raised by mom's who teach them to respect women no matter what. In the village outside, I am choosing to be different.
DeleteOh by the way - Debjani and Allison. They can stare all they want. I really don't care. When the stare goes to touch ... that's when its called lack of self control ... this is unacceptable for anyone - Men and women.
Delete