It takes a village to raise a child #Proverb

There is the famous African proverb - 'It takes a village to raise a child.'

Now I never really understood this one! Well till I had kids of my own.
And even then I always thought of this as something to do with 'taking care of' and 'discipline'. I thought it meant being there for someone else when they were not in the same room for their kids. I even wondered why did I need an entire village, I mean just grandpa, grandma and uncles and aunts would be enough.  How could the 'village' help me raise my child?
But I recently got a completely different perspective of this 'Proverb'.


I thought - big misconception - I could somehow provide for all the needs of my child. If I was not good at something, I could take my child somewhere to learn it. The key word being - 'I'. And so along comes Isaac and Ziva, two different personalities with completely unique interests.

As I watched the rapidly growing Isaac, I realized his immense love for animals. Now I am not a great animal lover. I am all for animal kindness and no cruelty etc. But Isaac is in love with all animals. I mean he dreams of being a Zoo keeper or a Forest Ranger when he grows up. He spent a lot of time these past couple of months with one of his school books that dig deep into the animals from different parts of the world! I would find him often just dwelling on a few pages here and there.

I could deal with this interest. I mean all I had to do was read the book. And we did. It is how we began each day. 'Usborne - World of Animals'! First thing in the morning. It was how I got him to do other school work. Bribe - I will read Usborne - WOA if you finish Math, Kannada, writing.

And then Isaac shifted gears.
Isaac : 'Amma can you draw a giraffe for me.'
Amma: Silence - 'No. Appa can'
And so evening after evening Appa was dragged into drawing an animal and Isaac would color it. For some reason Isaac barely attempted to draw on his own. Probably because Appa's rhino's and hippos were way too artistic.

Then two weeks ago - one Friday Bandh - we had a a few visitors. One was the talented and patient 'Karan Uncle'
I am not sure how they sat down together because Isaac rarely warms up to any folk outside of the family. Maybe it had something to do with some drawing. Finally 'Karan uncle' spent most of his Friday/Saturday drawing Zebras and Hippos.

I dont know what clicked after that - but Isaac kept trying to draw the animals on his own. I even caught him following Karan uncle at lunch, post Sunday service. I really have never seen him follow anyone other than me - Yes I was an incy bit jealous. :)
I try to reason why Isaac didn't get inspired by Suresh's drawing and I came up with theory. Appa and Amma could do everything so he didn't attempt imitating.  But Karan uncle was more of a buddy and if Karan uncle could draw - maybe he should try too.

My son had found inspiration in the 'village'! 

Currently there is constant drawing and redrawing of animals. Practice ! Practice! Practice!


A few weeks ago, at the church retreat, the children were dancing to a song they had learned. As the kids kept going, there was a sudden roar of cheer from the youth! You could see all the children get really encouraged. As parents one of our primary role is to encourage our kids and we can see them grow into balanced individuals. But when the  'VILLAGE' encourages a child - we get a benevolent society!

The BUTTON and the LEAKY TAP - A story on equality

A few months ago, one Sunday evening we were hanging out at home. It was unusual, since we are almost never at home on Sunday evenings. We had the company of one of our youth from church and this little controversy started through a rather simple request from Suresh

Suresh: ' Hi Rohini - can you stitch my shirt button?'
Before I could reply, the young girl jumped in.
Girl: ' Why can't you stitch your own button?'
Suresh was taken aback and we realized that we had a budding feminist in our presence. I think he responded something to the effect of  'I dont know how to stitch a button' - which led to further horn locking and comments on why men could not do everything.

We live in an age that is completely confused. We don't have separate roles anymore for men and women and we believe everyone must do everything or at least know to do everything. The term here is equality.
A common argument I hear is how the woman's role is changing in our times. I.e. women are leaving the home to go to work and so men should help out more at home. But are they helping out more at home?
The button request conversation made me realize that there were things that my husband could not do on his own. And .... it made me happy.
Marriage is not about equality. If we were two equal individuals, who could do everything on our own, we would not need each other. The word 'need' is very important in marriage. If we do  not 'need' each other then it would be like roommates with kids :)
As I thought further into the 'button'  conversation, I realized there were many things I could not do on my own! Like fix a LEAKY TAP! Or even simpler things like unscrew a bottle lid. I could get someone to fix it like a plumber - and Suresh could get someone to stitch his button.
But just the fact that I had a person who asked me for help and I could go to the person for help, made me realize the joy of inequality.
We frequently talk about men having brute strength and women having emotional strength. That is the beauty of inequality in marriage.
We recently attended a marriage seminar and were asked to describe our marriage. Suresh described ours as a three-legged race. Clumsy, but holding on to each other!

Marriage is not about equally dividing responsibility. Marriage is about sharing responsibility.
Marriage is not about who makes the Tea. Marriage is about making Tea for someone and having someone you can ask to make Tea for you.
Marriage is not about about who brings home the pay check. Marriage is about taking the decisions together on how that money is spent.
Marriage is not about who stitches the button - but also who is willing to ask for the the button to be stitched and who is willing to stitch the button :)

Buying my First car!

I could say, I was born with a silver spoon. But it seemed that sometime around the age of 22, I spat out the spoon and decided to try my foot with the regular steel spoon in the real world.

One interesting journey I had was the buying of a car.
As someone born with a silver spoon, you would think I had a car or a bike or some mode of transportation of my own in Amchi Mumbai. Oh No! Amchi Mumbai is famous for its excellent public transportation and phenomenal connectivity. I also had a dad who had not grown with a silver spoon and at least to some extent chose not to spoil his two daughters with his riches. And so when we were taken out of the school bus system, which was around 11 years of age for me, we had to travel by the Bus no # 214 of the famous Bombay Muncipal Corportation.

I remember during the Bandra fair, which happened close to our place, the #214 never came close to our house and so after a long day at school we would have to walk the last 1 km! Of course we didn't dare complain as both dad and mom would pop out the story on how they had to walk all the way and sometimes had to walk 2-3 hrs to get to school. Now that I think of it, I don't think their bags were heavy - but I still dare not argue.

When we started going to college which was further away from home, it was bus -rail - walk.
Even after I learned to drive at 18, I was rarely given the car. I was allowed to drive only if dad or mom were in the car. I remember once, nervously, asking dad for the car to go for tuition. But that was the max I would dare. There was no way that I could even think about asking for the car to go for a movie with friends or even to a friends house. All those 'extra-curricular' activities had to be done on bus-rail-walk mode.

When I landed in the US, a car was the least of my interest as I struggled with the cold weather and poor academic understanding. But right after the end of our first term, a friend of ours offered to sell his car as he was buying another one. Suresh and I were friends at this point and decided we had just about enough money to buy a car and we would pool in the cost of the car, fuel and insurance. It seemed like a good deal till we crashed the car - A whole another blog on the crash - COMING SOON.


Once we had got our confidence back and I had made a few extra bucks at the summer job volunteering at the Greek festival, we got back into the task of car hunting again. Our budget was ~$2000. That was it! And that was all we could afford. We spent days looking for a car. Something that actually worked! It was hard but we finally found this perfectly cute Red Honda Civic! Cost $2000.

Perfect it fitted in out budget. The man who was selling it to us, was a good talker. And we were newbies! He told us the car was perfect and that he would take us to a mechanic.
Never for a moment did we think anyone would cheat us! I mean why would they cheat us! We were nice people! So they had got to be nice people! NAIVE!
The car seller did all the ground work for us. He took us to a mechanic who he knew! ALERT! ALERT! Then once this ' good' mechanic approved the car, he took us to the DMV and got all the paper transferred to our name, took the cheque for $2000 and that was it!
We probably drove the car about 10 miles, maybe less than it  and it stopped. Our very first day on our wonderful car, bought with our hard earned money and we were pushing it to a parking spot just so we would not get a parking ticket!
We drove around the car for about 4-6 months. If you dont believe that an inanimate object can harass you, try buying a car that does not work too well! The car harassed us each and every day! It stopped at random places. It refused to start in the middle of the interstate. It cost us a lot of money in repairs.

Finally we sold it off for about $200 - just happy to get rid of it. The 'nice' mechanic who bought it also made a ton of money off us in repairs before he 'advised' us to sell the car.
The scar of this car buying was very deep. So deep that for the next 3 years we did not look at another car. Even when we had a little savings in the bank, we chose to stick with using public transportation and doing groceries on the cycle and carrying them in a haversack back home.

Finally in 2004, after I had returned from an internship and Suresh had a part time internship still going, we ventured into car buying again!
Just as we finished paying for the car in installments, we happened to take a course on Financial Peace by Dave Ramsey.
http://www.daveramsey.com/blog/how-teens-can-buy-their-own-cars/
This was about the time I was almost 9 months pregnant! I think Isaac and Ziva will have Dave Ramsey and our own personal experience with car buying to thank when they get their license and are refused their own vehicle.

For those of you who had your parents buy you your first vehicle, be thankful! For those parents contemplating on buying your kids a vehicle! STOP - It wont kill them to ride public transport! They may even learn a few lessons on money management.

Greek Salad and Feta Cheese - A Valuable lesson on dignity of labor

All I remember - my feet were killing me. As I crashed into my bed without even taking a shower, I thought 'Man! I will never do that again'.

It was the summer of 2001 and as graduate students in Virginia we had a few extra hours to do extra work. One of Suresh's roommate brought home a flyer that called for 'Volunteers' for the Greek festival. Me and my roomies decided that it would a good way to make a little extra money. We had no idea what we were signing up for! But I remember that it was the best lesson of my life.

We left early morning to the help at the Greek festival. I think the pay was minimum wages i.e. $5.15. We each had different uses for the money. I was planning to pool it toward money for buying a second hand car. I think one of my roommates wanted to buy a ticket to visit her brother in California and she didn't want her brother to pay for it. I cant remember the other reasons. But the primary reason was - it was summer and most everyone worked 40 hours.
So we reached the Greek orthodox church  and were shown to a dark room that was used for salad preparation! Salad preparation!!!! That had got to be the easiest thing ever. What started out as fun and laughter turned out to be a long dragged day. We stood there for several hours. I cannot remember how long! Boring work - as we dumped lettuce leaves, tomatoes and feta cheese into small plastic boxes. I had seen it been done in videos, I had heard about it and in my life I never thought I would be standing in an assembly line of people putting together a salad. We had to make sure each box had just the right amount of ingredients. As the day went by, maybe we got a little clumsier and feta cheese and lettuce leaves fell on our shoes. At the end of the day our only pair of sport shoes (not the fancy kind - just the simple ones) stunk of feta cheese.

About mid day we were each given a coupon to buy something at the stalls set up for the Greek festival. But the coupons could not be used for some of the special stuff like calamari (squid). Options included more Greek salad (!!!) Souvalaki, Moussaka, Spanakopita, Gyro, Triopita, Baklava, and other things that sounded very interesting to the aching feet. We really didn't want to eat as much as we wanted to sit down.

                                                              Taking a Break at the Greek Festival!


That day when we reached home, none of really had the energy for anything. I remember I didn't even want to take a bath. Just the bed and sleep!
The next day and the day after that we made more Greek Salad! I don't know why I didn't just quit it. After all it was extra money and that to not so much. But by this point we had realized the value of this labor and we had promised to work a certain number of hours to the organizer. Not like they would have cared if we left as they had plenty of other graduate student volunteers who wanted the extra money.  I am glad I didn't quit because I value the lesson in dignity of labor and now I get to brag about it. Yes brag!

One day during the festival we were asked to serve lemonade at the lemonade counter. That day we had sticky shoes and sticky hands and the smell of lemonade stuck so deep in our senses, we would never want to drink lemonade again. You would think! In the heat of the summer, the lemonade came as a welcome break to again sit down and relax.

Then on one day we had to work at the 'drive-thru' stall at the festival. We each were given a sheet of paper and had to run to cars, get the order and then run back and call it out, then run back and deliver the food and collect the money. Essentially an on the run 'waitress'. This was one of the biggest Greek festivals in the East coast I think, because the both the walk-in's and the drive-thru lines were very long. But working at the drive-thru was the most fun because I did not have to stand in a dingy room and smell feta cheese or stand in a humid stall and fill glasses of lemonade.

I think I worked at the Greek festival two years and then went back a year later because I actually missed the food and wanted to eat it. When I worked at these Greek salads, I was already into my Ph.D. Or at least I had made my decision to do one. I cannot remember the thought process for taking up this part time job. But it taught me that no job in the world was too small to do. It also funded my air-tickets to India when I had to come home two years back to back (2002 December to get married)

I now see young people around me who are so picky about their jobs. I wonder if any of them would be willing to work like this for the itty-bitty money! I see young folk who complain about their timing and how tiring and boring things at work can get or how mean their bosses are and I think of the mildly evil looking lady who taught us to make the Greek salad and spoke minimal English and so everything sounded scary.

Here are some of the summer jobs Suresh and I took up
1. Greek festival Volunteer
2. University Gymnasium identity card swipe: This is where I realized I was a morning person. I took up the 5:30 am shift. Suresh took up the 9:30 am shift. Job responsibilities included: swiping id card of everyone who walked in, putting dirty and sweaty towels for wash in the washing machine and when they were dry, folding them and stacking them up. In addition, we would have to take rounds about and make sure things were in order.
3. Dog sitter: This was more of Suresh than me! He got to hang out and walk dogs while he made some extra money.
4. Call center person: I would have to call the university Alumini and ask them for money! It was really embarrassing when I called an Alumini who was pissed about not getting a job after graduation.

Last week as we were driving through HSR BDA, I saw a sign at the McDonalds for a part/ full time job. I wondered – If I needed – would I work there. I wondered if I would see any of the young folks I know, work there. I wondered if I would be OK with letting Isaac or Ziva work there. I wonder if Isaac or Ziva would be willing to give any job the DIGNITY DESERVED!

Marriage, miracles, mistakes and many returns!

16 years since we met ... 13.5 years being married..

Yet everyday we figure out something new about each other. That's what keeps a marriage going. I am glad for this union of ours (and I hope Suresh is glad too.)

Do we fight? Yes of course! Are there days I want to strangle Suresh? Yes there are!  And I bet there are days when he would like to give me a slap and say 'grow up'.
But we are still together. No its not because we are madly in love with it each other. Well there are days we think we will go mad. That, however, has more to do with the byproducts of this Union than either of us.

Whats keeps us together? What keeps a couple together?
We had a wonderful couples meeting in the summer 0f 2010 at our annual Church retreat in  Summit Grove, Pennsylvania. Led by Bill and Claudia Teubl, we got great advice and confirmation on some ways of life.

Here is my little tit-bit for those who want to take it.
Have a common goals -
Before we even got together or decided we wanted to get married - we had discussed some of our life's goals or desires. Somehow neither of us talked about what we wanted our career path to be or how much money we wanted to make. The only thing that seemed to come out strong was 'We wanted to move back to India at some point of time'. Sitting on my couch in pleasant and cool Bangalore, I am glad of that conversation. Talking about going back 'home' sometime. I put in a bid - 'No Chennai' and Suresh topped it off with a 'No Mumbai' - God's plan could not be more perfect than to put us here in Bangalore!

Sane Finances:
Try not to get into debt. If you are in debt, get out of it as soon as possible. You don't have to have a ton of money in your savings account. But you will have a lot of peace knowing that you don't owe anybody anything!
The Teubl's took it a notch higher for us and said - no house loans - no car loans. They didn't mean that you need to have a down payment for the entire sum your house would have. Just make it a goal to pay off the house as soon as possible. We had the pleasure of spending some time with Becky Teubl the third child of the Teubl's. She mentioned how her mother had divided a picture of the house into neat bricks each representing the payment for a month for the house. Coloring out a brick a month indicated they owned that portion when they paid the mortgage. A lovely way to involve children in finances. Becky said that one month the children brought money together and gave it to their dad to pay the months mortgage and had the pleasure of being 'involved' in the coloring.
Dave Ramsey 'finance Guru' says that finances is a big reason couples split -- so stay out of debt.

Witnessing those miracles and trials together.
Life will throw all kinds of stuff at you. Big rocks, small stones. They all hurt - but stick together - because when those miracles happen, its no fun sitting alone and enjoying it. Its means much more when there is someone joining in the happiness.
Isaac and Ziva are our miracles and trials all in one bundle. We have enjoyed every minute of them. I can think of no other man who would sit by me day after day as I cried for a child. I can think of no other man to give me those IVF shots and  I can think of no other man who would wake up in the middle of the night to put a new born to sleep.
Losing parents has also been something that kept us together. When folks ask us why we moved back to India - my first reason is losing 3 parents in 3 years was not easy and we needed family around to overcome the grief.

Plenty of difference in opinions:
Are we different? As different as North and South pole. Isn't that what they say - poles apart! But even at these two poles the climate is kind of chilly and icy and the same. So poles apart and yet so much in common. That's what keeps things interesting.

A little screaming and yelling
We were not big fighters. Then we attended a marriage seminar by George and Pooja Cherian, where they  spoke about 'How to fight good!'. It brought out a lot of hidden resentment. I used to pride myself on fighting about silly stuff and keeping the big stuff within. But now I like that we fight good and sort our differences and anxieties! It builds the relationship on stronger ground!


Union in thinking
We have a lot of common ideas about parenting and finance. I like that when I think of something and make an eye connection with hubby dear across the room, I know he is thinking the same. You can say the same strings hit a rhythm within us! How did we get there? Talking lots and lots of talking.

Last and the most important the big guys upstairs!
I would be insane not to mention the big Guy upstairs who brought us together and has kept us so far.
If it was not for our faith in Jesus and constantly keeping Him in the center of our relationship ... things would have surely been a mess

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZEURntrQOg


Union of Suresh Emmanuel Joel and Rohini George:  13.5 years

30 December 2002 -- to Present

By products : Isaac George Joel
                      Ziva Esther Joel

And knowing I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life : 14 years on January 27 2001

Dear Grace

Hi Grace ... wrote this one 3 years ago.... never published it :) I guess everything under heaven has a perfect time!

February is a month for birthdays in our family and for at least the reason of not being able to eat cake ... I am sad I am not in Mumbai ... where most of the celebration is happening. I want to write something for each of those who have a birthday this month. I may not complete it by your birth date - but hope to get it posted by  your the end of the month

Here is to my favorite person

Grace; Happy Birthday - I know you are 14 --- but to me your are still the little girl who I held 14 years ago - one fine Saturday morning. Or was it close to noon. I think it was close to noon.

I always want you to remember these things about your birth -
1. Your mother went through over 36 hours of labour before you were born - Always value and appreciate her (I always give advice --- sometimes you see me not praticising it -- I am working on that skill)
2. You were really lucky to have so many people waiting to see you - Here is the list
   Appacha (Baby)
   Pappa (Santosh)
   Ammachi (Molu ammachi)
   Ammachi ( ponnu ammachi)
   Chochmmachi
   I think Appu appacha and Chinnama ammachi were also around but probably just arrived or left before you came into the world.
  And of course ME

3. You were very lucky to be cuddled by your Great-grand mother (maternal) a few hours of being born!
4. You were called Kuttappi (named by Baby Appacha) a nickname forgotten -- but apt for you!
5. Your parents spent days looking for the perfect name for you! It is perfect!
6. Your mother and father spent days arguing who you looked like (him or her). I think you are a perfect mixture - Good from both sides - be thankful for that
7. Your father counted your fingers and toes to ensure you had the correct number (Too funny)

There are lots more I can go on about --- but to end all of this

I am so thankful that you were born into our family and I am so thankful that I got to be your aunt!

Happy Birthday - May the Lord bless you and may he make his face shine upon you!

Why did I leave my job!

The question has repeated and this time it was asked by the younger of my two munchkins.

Ziva: Amma are you a cook?
I am glad she didn't call me a 'cooker'! I had just finished instructing the cook something when this question came up.

I was just about to answer when Isaac chimed it.

Isaac: No! She is a doctor.
I was shocked at how clear he was about my educational qualification.

Me: Isaac! Who told you... How did you know?
Isaac (sheepish smile because I still had an expression of shock):  I saw it on your laser pointer. It was written 'Dr. Rohini George'

Then he turned to Ziva and said.
Isaac: She is not a doctor who gives medicine. She is a doctor who fixes big machines.

I then remembered that I had showed Isaac pictures of me working on linear accelerators.

Ziva: Amma you don't go to GE?

GE is where Appa works and I think the current assumption is if I were to work... I would be going to GE! Yea right like they would hire me!

Isaac: No only Appa goes to GE
And Munchkin # 1 has his basics right!

Me: Isaac why did I stop working?
My curiosity got the better of me and I just had to know why he thought I was not out there with Dad

Isaac: You stopped working to have children.

Tada - simple and clear
Me: No Isaac - I stopped working because I had children and I wanted to be with my children.