Feminist or Independent or strong #daughterstories

This was what my daughter wore to a wedding recently and while she got a lot of 'ooos' and 'aaas' and maybe a few frowns, one particular comment led to a lovely conversation with my most favorite person!

Comment : 'Lovely and elegant!! Zivakutty I hope 20 years later also you will show the same passion to this most elegant dress.
While that comment hit some deep dark wound from a long ago. I responded this way

Response: In 20 years ... I pray she is happy.. healthy and as passionate about life as she is now. The sarees, skirts and pants will come and go :)

One person seemed to like my comment and I wondered whether I had touched some deep dark wound from long ago! I wondered if there were other wounded souls walking around who had to wear clothes that others thought were elegant.
FYI: My closet is very mixed. I have it all. No not 150 sarees in all colors! But pants, skirts (short and long ones), shorts, tops, sleeveless, salwars, dungrees, sarees, pyjamas, jeans, t-shirts, sweats, tracks. I am not one who will tell you what to wear and not to. I believe you are mature enough to decide that. I am not one who will tell you your 'inner' wear is showing. I believe everyone in this world wears one and sometimes it shows!

At one time Ziva and I were at war over clothes, some two years ago when she three years! Yes! She wanted to wear only skirts and she had a lot of very cute shorts. Somehow, I think, she had figured in her head that girls wear only shirts. She actually looks the cutest in a pair of chequed pants that are a hand me down from her brother. And no she doesn't look like a boy. She looks like a feisty 5-year old with fire in her eyes and passion to conquer the world, with a naughty smile to kill all!

I did wonder if I was raising her too boyish and I realized with the saree episode, Ziva was a strong young girl, and she would be herself no matter what she wore. She would light up any room she went into.
While my thoughts were brewing over the saree and other fancy clothes, this person sent me this particular article.
https://www.vagabomb.com/Adichies-Powerful-Essay-on-Raising-a-Feminist-Daughter/

While I love the article and agree with the lot of the things the author says, I am not so sure about the use of the word 'feminist'. I have been called a feminist (by someone who did not know me) because I asked a husband to got help his wife make tea instead of comment on the color of the tea or the taste as she struggled to make it for 20 people. Its not about equality. Its not about independence.
As I was brewing over this article, the person who sent me this said one more thing and I liked it very much
Comment:While saying/believing men are superior is misogyny, saying/believing women are superior is misandry. Both aren't helpful. Its not a competition between men  and women.
Wow! How true? So then feminism was wrong?
I thought on my initial experience on wanting to be equal to men or boys. Most of the resentment to be better or equal came from an extra bias toward the boy cousins in our family. We were always restrained or told we couldn't do certain things which our boy cousins got a free hand at.
Don't climb trees!
Don't ride the bicycle so much!


I brewed on that thought for a moment and wondered what I wanted to pass on to my daughter. No! Not what I want her to be. But what I want to share with her. Here is how it came out.
A feminist may think 'equal', but actually we are not. Some things, we women do far better and something men may do far better. No, this is not gender roles. I do not intend to say that I bake better than Suresh! But here is a more role reversal rarely seen in families - Finances. I do a far better job at maintaining them than the man of the house :). I, however, believe he has a God ordained responsibility over the house which he protects and provides for.

So Ziva - don't strive for equality,  strive instead toward your strength because when you are strong there will be no need to be equal.

Be a strong woman... one of character and confidence. Be a passionate woman. Be an emotional woman one who is willing to shed and show her tears. Do not mask it under holiness or false egoistical strength.
A feminist may think that hearts don't get broken!
An independent woman may never accept that her heart is broken!
But a strong woman is willing to set a heart in a place where it may get broken time and again. Sometimes her family will break it ... sometimes her friends will break it. She picks up the pieces and keeps at her strength.
Be that kind of a woman Ziva!


A feminist may climb a tree just so that she can show equality
An independent woman may not want any help while she climbs the tree
But a strong woman will accept help and want to climb up to enjoy the view and the company! As she climbs she will take help others climb up to.
Be that kind of woman Ziva!

A feminist may look for reasons to exclude the men in her life (father, brother, husband etc)
An independent woman may think she can get on in life without these men
A strong women knows the value of these men in her life. She knows they bring her a significance and security that she can gain from nowhere else. She also knows she is valued and honored by them. Her strength comes from not demanding it but realizing it
Be that kind of woman Ziva!

PS: This is not meant to offend anyone. I do not have a problem with feminism or independence. But I have learned through life that a person is more complete when they can believe that they are both strong and weak. No one is equal. :). The war for equality makes one person feel victimized and the other made to believe they are superior.

/ A friend of mine responded over FB to this blog and I am sharing it here. I dont agree with all of it./
Such a nice article. I am so glad your daughter is growing so well, also growing with such an amazing role model. .....Also, feminism may not be a bad word.... Independent women :: may be equal to :: strong women :: may be equal to :: feminism. It is not probably to show anybody outside the measure of equality to the other gender. The thought process could have come from a time where women had to fight for equal rights just to vote or drive a car (we have traveled in a long way in most countries... some countries are still fighting for it). For our country - it may not be so strong, nevertheless sometimes, extremely subtle.... Sometimes, also has a religious/superficial cover to it. Nevertheless, still exists. We are fortunate that we do not face major issues for our rights, but the struggle still is strong for the majority. Feminism is not a bad word; it may not be the struggle to prove a point. Just the aspect that one recognizes the efforts of the past women who fought to where we can be free and those women who continue to fight for basic rights. Feminism may just be strong :) Happy Day

/To which I responded/
It's just that the word has been misused/misconstrued/misunderstood!
#respectthewomenwhofought
The pursuit should not be equality ...Rather respect !

/To which another was made/
I agree. "feminism" as a term is being shunned. But if it was not for the women's movement who fought so hard, we would not have been where we are as a society. I would not be working with equal wages or given a right to vote. I agree feminism is not about superiority but mutual respect - Unfortunately, the terminology now when used is not perceived the same way. Nevertheless, feminism was the movement that we can even have this discussion. So, feminism is good :) Also, one correction - the discussion is not about equality (since equality is given) but the argument about superiority is to be removed.

/And me again/
I believe equal wages should be given to those who deserve. Gender, race, minority, class, religion etc ... nothing ... nothing should define equality! We are unequal. We were created that way. We were created to fit into each other. What a peaceful world that would be if we just recognized that! If we were all equal then we would all look alike and behave alike. What a Black or White world that would be? Respect - the weaker person not because you feel sorry - but because you fit into one another. Respect - the stronger person not out of envy - but because you have so much more to learn.

 

Sleeping with the enemy! #notwhatitsoundslike

It was 2:58 pm ... I had woken up 15 minutes  ago and yet not gotten out of bed. Thanks to the enemy! I jumped out of bed and started to hurry around the house, because now I was late for taking the kids to gymnastics class. Then there was the rushing and the hushing and screaming at the kids
All because of sleeping with the enemy!

It seemed like a regular affair now. To sleep and wake up with the enemy.
I thought I was the only one in the disastrous down spiraling path till DH confessed too!
'I spend so much time after I wake up just scrolling through FB'


Yes - That's the enemy I am talking about. The darn phone!
Luckily we ended 2016 by making a solid effort to stopping this 'affair'. It not like DH and I did not realize this but the following video was simply perfect!

www.facebook.com/VineSurvivor/videos/1232136226872420/?pnref=story

We slept with the enemy most of the time because it was our alarm clock and 'woke up' much later than even if we didn't have the alarm ring and feeling much worse.
In the past few months, I can, with a lot of guilt, say that I have wasted so many hours on Facebook and Whatsapp. I wish I had watched a movie instead. At least I would feel like I had done something.
I remember my dad calling the TV an idiot box when we were kids. He would repeat time and again on what a waste of time it was and how we would become ... well Idiots.
But I now think the TV is much lesser of an evil!
Its not just the time - but the complete lack of accomplishment of anything at the end of the time with this enemy that leaves you feeling well... miserable.
And it was just not me that this habit affected. The whole family... no wait the whole community ... all the people around me seemed affected by this vice. Some time mid last year, DH made me realize that I was way too addicted to the phone even when there were people around me. He, of course did not mention his early morning rendezvous with the 'enemy'.
I consciously made an effort to put away the 'enemy' when I had company, when I visited people and when we went out as a family. And while it was improving, I had forgotten to put the 'enemy' away while I slept.
The issue with sleeping, eating, walking and everything else with the 'enemy' is that it becomes so much a part of you that you almost need a de-addiction center for it.
I realized that I got irritable with the kids after reading a few frustrating messages over whatsapp chats. Yes people now feel the chat a far safer way to share bad new and negative reviews :). I do too. But it affects the person at the receiving end so much.
As part of my de-addiction process, I tried to uninstall FB and Whatsapp from my phone. But that really did not seem like the solution.

After watching the videos a few key things struck us. DH watched the video few more times and we made a couple quick changes.
1. No sleeping with the 'enemy'. As the video suggests - get an alarm clock. We had an old phone with not sim card and we started using that. In the past few days since starting this habit, I have been able to wake up, get my quiet time, get my work time and get my me time with a nice long walk!
2. I would often go for Gymnastics class and sit outside and turn on my internet. Now instead I make sure I  turn of the internet till I get back home. And so for the past few classes, I have been going for walks up and down the road outside the venue.
3. No phone at the table. No phone during school hours. In general being available completely for the kids. Ignoring phone calls if possible.

It sounds all good. A nice New Years resolution. But on day 3 of the New Year I found myself at it yet again. I was at a hair cut appointment where I had decided that I would read some stuff. But half way through I found myself commenting on other peoples photos on FB! Just as I was starting to feel the enemy slowly take over my 1.5 hr, I noticed a missed call from my mom.
I called her back and saved myself from the enemy! Small changes ... Big Difference. My phone call with my mom ... made me very happy as she shared lots of good news about many in the family :)

PS: I don't think its Facebook and Whatsapp or other social media that's the evil. It's our complete lack of self control and an instrument that makes it so accessible at out finger tips that causes all hell break lose!

The Ladies seat: Breakfast and a few learnings.

It was one of those Fridays when I woke up and decided – I wanted to have breakfast out. We do this occasionally, where we just go out for breakfast even on a weekday morning. It seemed like a good day to have some masala dosa. We woke the kids up and hurried their milk down with the promise of a fun trip to eat out.

As I got the car out of the parking, I noticed it was complete flat. A few minutes’ delay and Suresh ad the spare tire on. And that was low on air too. To think of the odds of that happening! The Maruthi garage is close to home and so we drove there. About an hour from the time we decided we had to have breakfast out, we were at the garage and told that something was wrong with the axle and it would take at least 2 hours to have it fixed.

As we walked out from the garage with two hyper excited kids (garage trips are always fun for them, since there is so much to see). Suresh pulled out his phone and said ‘Lets book a car and go have breakfast and come back.’

Ziva chimed in ‘Appa let's go by bus’

I remember when I was young I hated going by bus. I think my sister can fairly vouch that I begged, pleaded and nagged her every evening after school to take an autorickshaw home. She being the good child always refused to!

Ziva’s request gave me the giggles – She may look like me but we are poles apart.

We walked about 500 meters and go into the bus! Two excited kids and two adults trying to look like we fit in. I think we looked like those people who have never been on a flight get all excited when the seats recline back.

Isaac and Ziva took a seat all the way in front and Suresh and I found a seat close by. The bus was relatively empty. After a few minutes, Suresh looked around and realized that there were several seats empty around us, but none of the men were sitting on them.

‘I think I am sitting on a ladies seat’, he whispered a little amused and a little embarrassed.

He stood up and moved closer to where all the men were standing and I decided I would move closer to the kids. I picked Ziva and had her sit on my lap.

Both were curious on why Appa was standing when there was a so many places to sit at.

I pointed to the sign above that said ‘ LADIES SEAT’. ‘Its only for ladies to sit on’ I told Isaac.

Isaac looked above his seat and it had the same sign ‘LADIES SEAT’. Noticing his glance I  assured him . ‘ You are small Isaac. You can sit here. Its OK!’

Isaac: ‘ Will I have to get up when I am 8 years old’

Me : ‘ Maybe it will be OK for you to sit here till you are 10 years old’

I wondered why I put that cap of 10 years! What was I expecting him to do at 10 years that he was not doing at 7 years.

Me:  ‘Or maybe if you behave yourself you can still sit here. ‘

I went on to tell him why there were separate ladies seats.  ‘ If men learn to behave themselves, we wont need these separate seats’

When I told Suresh about this explanation he said that the main reason of LADIES SEATS was because women were considered the ‘weaker sex’.

I disagree.  In the Mumbai where there are tons of women working there are just two compartments (maybe 3 reserved for women). Separate compartments – because men don’t know how to behave themselves!

On the way back from breakfast, we got into another bus! As Isaac sat in his spot, he turned up to look if there were was something written over it!

Beauty is Skin deep ... But cooking is a must! Marriage - neogitable and non-negotiable!

Being friends with youth of our church and having them be absolutely free as they speak to us has given me a DEJA VU on what it was like to think about a life partner.

At about 23 I wanted to just have a baby - no HUSBAND. Could I adopt a baby?
Today after two children I know the value of my husband. I know his importance in my kids life as a father.
But 15 years ago - It seemed like I could conquer the world and make it mine.
I had my rules - The guy should cook, he should not smoke, not drink. He should not be egoistical and should let me do as I like. He should let me dress the way I want and work where and when I want.
I guess age does make you wiser. As I watch a few young girls making similar statements, my inner being is screaming out! Don't! That's not whats important!

This BIBA ad got me thinking.

I love the ad. Its very beautiful. And I love the lovely lady who tagged me! She's one of my favorite young people along with her friend who jumped in to remind me of all the lovely traits of her friend! Lovely lovely ladies... and they remind me of  ... ME ... 15 years ago.

Would you judge a man/ woman  if they choose a partner based on good looks? Most likely yes.
Because beauty is skin deep!
Would you judge a man if he rejected a lady because she could not cook? Yeaaa
Would you judge a woman if she rejected a man because he did not have a job? Yeaa
Then you must also judge a woman who rejects a man because he cannot cook! Or a man who rejects a woman because she doesnt have a job.


I know  a marriage counselor couple who advise young people - NO EXPECTATIONS
Now that, you would say is idealistic. I mean we all have expectations. But I think in expecting ... we forget that we are not able to meet ALL of the other person's expectations!
Is it possible not to expect? Unlikely.
But here is my advise to young folk ... Free advise hai - lena hai to lelo!

For both boys and girls : Don't expect someone who is drop dead gorgeous ... Even if you are drop dead gorgeous. Chances are you will eventually get fat and ugly. 😉😉😉😉😉😉. Or chances are you may grow ridiculously insecure :)

For girls : Don't expect someone who can cook, clean, do their own laundry ... etc.. etc.
Instead find out if they will stand and chat with you while you cook. Or someone who asks you how your day was while he tries to fold the laundry. Or someone who chops onions because you hate doing it. Or someone who will order food from outside  - because you feel exhausted.

For boys : Please don't ask a girl if she can cook, unless you can cook yourself. It's a big back fire question.

For girls and boys: Will you work after marriage? Do you know if you yourself will work for sure. Life brings about circumstances that make it necessary to choose family versus career or the other way around.

Marriage is not about cooking and taking care of the other person. Marriage is not about the perfect partner with all the perfect traits. Marriage is not all romance and singing around trees.

For me marriage has been about having someone I could hug and cry when I lost my father!
It was about being given the permission to hug my husband when he lost his parents! (I am a big hugger!)

How would you know these qualities? Find out if the person loves their parents... Because if the person loves their parents and you love yours ... chances are the person will love your parents too.


For me marriage was about having someone who watched me study for the longest time. Masters... PhD ... Residency .  And he brought home the bacon.  And then, I watched him do his post doctoral fellowship while I brought home the bacon. Marriage is not about stability in finance or jobs.  You don't know what tomorrow brings. Marriage is hard work and good times. They have to be balanced.


Marriage is not 50%
I help  50 %... my spouse puts in 50 %

I can't expect my husband to endure 50% of labor pains can I? Neither does he expect me to deliver a 7.5 pound baby and walk back to work the next day.

Marriage is 100% - I put in 100% of everything I do! And my partner will put in 100% of everything he can do.
But what if he doesn't?  Well then some things wont get done! Or ... you will fight a little... big deal!

Marriage is not about having a long list of non-negotiable demands ....  Marriage is about being negotiable in all your expectations.

Unemployement and failures - Its a Wonderful Life

I wonder how many have watched the movie 'Its a wonderful Life'. Its a very Christmassy movie and I highly recommend it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ewe4lg8zTYA

 Just when you think it can't get worse, it becomes a wonderful life. But to enjoy a wonderful life, you need a few downs before you can treasure the up's

I have a similar story to share about our (Suresh and my) life and a certain summer in 2003.
We go through life labeling people for who they are and where they stand and how they handle life, career and family. 
Loser - That's the word associated with failure! It seems so easy to label someone as a loser.
Oh they have failed an exam - What a loser
Oh they have lost a job  - What a loser!

Here is a story in my life of losing/ failing and then rising up again - Because if you don't taste failure -- success is not as sweet!

It was close to the end of the spring semester in 2003. Suresh and I had been married about 6 months odd. We had rented a 1 BHK and were content. It was a good first 6 months considering the stress we went through convincing my folks for the marriage and attempting to stay away from any controversy. The goal was - To get married!
We go through various stages of life thinking, if I can get through this, I am going to be happy! Life will be good!
If I can finish high school, life will be good.
If I can finish engineering, life will be good.
If I can get a scholarship, life will be good.
If I can find a good spouse, life will be good.
If ... If ... If.
We were going through one of those high's when we were hit. Both of us.
In the summer of 2003, the Virginia commonwealth University decided to withdraw scholarship for the engineering PhD students for the summer. Just like that with and email, Suresh had lost his stipend for 3 months. Even though I was getting paid, it was big hit. We could not survive unless both us brought in our stipends!

Just as a very frustrated Suresh started scampering for a summer job, which was very hard considering all the good paying jobs would have been taken up much earlier, I got an email.
We had both given our PhD qualified exams and I had failed my Signal Processing Exam. Just like that, through one email! I did not know what would be the next step.

While I teary eyed called up my advisor and he encouraged me that there would be a second chance and I was not out of the program, Suresh spoke to his advisor and the possibility of a summer job or an internship somewhere. Its a wonderful life huh! If anyone had spoken to me at that time telling me that this was just a small part of a rather complex life, and things would get better, I would not have believed them! If only Suresh could get a job ... If only I could pass this exams.

And yes it did happen, just like in the movie, life turned around and the success was so sweet because we had tasted failure.
Suresh found a job in my lab working for the director as a signal processing programmer. Something he was super duper good at. And he got paid more than he did with his stipend.
I gave my exams a month later and passed - with so much ease!

I guess all is well that ends well? Now its easy to say that! But what does tomorrow bring, an up or a down. 

I was recently talking to a young person who was going through the 'if' statement
X: I thought once I finished college I would be get a job and be independent and all would be good.

My take on independence -
Employment and financial stability does not indicate independence. Independence is the determination to survive despite unemployment... despite failure.

It takes a village to raise a child #Proverb

There is the famous African proverb - 'It takes a village to raise a child.'

Now I never really understood this one! Well till I had kids of my own.
And even then I always thought of this as something to do with 'taking care of' and 'discipline'. I thought it meant being there for someone else when they were not in the same room for their kids. I even wondered why did I need an entire village, I mean just grandpa, grandma and uncles and aunts would be enough.  How could the 'village' help me raise my child?
But I recently got a completely different perspective of this 'Proverb'.


I thought - big misconception - I could somehow provide for all the needs of my child. If I was not good at something, I could take my child somewhere to learn it. The key word being - 'I'. And so along comes Isaac and Ziva, two different personalities with completely unique interests.

As I watched the rapidly growing Isaac, I realized his immense love for animals. Now I am not a great animal lover. I am all for animal kindness and no cruelty etc. But Isaac is in love with all animals. I mean he dreams of being a Zoo keeper or a Forest Ranger when he grows up. He spent a lot of time these past couple of months with one of his school books that dig deep into the animals from different parts of the world! I would find him often just dwelling on a few pages here and there.

I could deal with this interest. I mean all I had to do was read the book. And we did. It is how we began each day. 'Usborne - World of Animals'! First thing in the morning. It was how I got him to do other school work. Bribe - I will read Usborne - WOA if you finish Math, Kannada, writing.

And then Isaac shifted gears.
Isaac : 'Amma can you draw a giraffe for me.'
Amma: Silence - 'No. Appa can'
And so evening after evening Appa was dragged into drawing an animal and Isaac would color it. For some reason Isaac barely attempted to draw on his own. Probably because Appa's rhino's and hippos were way too artistic.

Then two weeks ago - one Friday Bandh - we had a a few visitors. One was the talented and patient 'Karan Uncle'
I am not sure how they sat down together because Isaac rarely warms up to any folk outside of the family. Maybe it had something to do with some drawing. Finally 'Karan uncle' spent most of his Friday/Saturday drawing Zebras and Hippos.

I dont know what clicked after that - but Isaac kept trying to draw the animals on his own. I even caught him following Karan uncle at lunch, post Sunday service. I really have never seen him follow anyone other than me - Yes I was an incy bit jealous. :)
I try to reason why Isaac didn't get inspired by Suresh's drawing and I came up with theory. Appa and Amma could do everything so he didn't attempt imitating.  But Karan uncle was more of a buddy and if Karan uncle could draw - maybe he should try too.

My son had found inspiration in the 'village'! 

Currently there is constant drawing and redrawing of animals. Practice ! Practice! Practice!


A few weeks ago, at the church retreat, the children were dancing to a song they had learned. As the kids kept going, there was a sudden roar of cheer from the youth! You could see all the children get really encouraged. As parents one of our primary role is to encourage our kids and we can see them grow into balanced individuals. But when the  'VILLAGE' encourages a child - we get a benevolent society!

The BUTTON and the LEAKY TAP - A story on equality

A few months ago, one Sunday evening we were hanging out at home. It was unusual, since we are almost never at home on Sunday evenings. We had the company of one of our youth from church and this little controversy started through a rather simple request from Suresh

Suresh: ' Hi Rohini - can you stitch my shirt button?'
Before I could reply, the young girl jumped in.
Girl: ' Why can't you stitch your own button?'
Suresh was taken aback and we realized that we had a budding feminist in our presence. I think he responded something to the effect of  'I dont know how to stitch a button' - which led to further horn locking and comments on why men could not do everything.

We live in an age that is completely confused. We don't have separate roles anymore for men and women and we believe everyone must do everything or at least know to do everything. The term here is equality.
A common argument I hear is how the woman's role is changing in our times. I.e. women are leaving the home to go to work and so men should help out more at home. But are they helping out more at home?
The button request conversation made me realize that there were things that my husband could not do on his own. And .... it made me happy.
Marriage is not about equality. If we were two equal individuals, who could do everything on our own, we would not need each other. The word 'need' is very important in marriage. If we do  not 'need' each other then it would be like roommates with kids :)
As I thought further into the 'button'  conversation, I realized there were many things I could not do on my own! Like fix a LEAKY TAP! Or even simpler things like unscrew a bottle lid. I could get someone to fix it like a plumber - and Suresh could get someone to stitch his button.
But just the fact that I had a person who asked me for help and I could go to the person for help, made me realize the joy of inequality.
We frequently talk about men having brute strength and women having emotional strength. That is the beauty of inequality in marriage.
We recently attended a marriage seminar and were asked to describe our marriage. Suresh described ours as a three-legged race. Clumsy, but holding on to each other!

Marriage is not about equally dividing responsibility. Marriage is about sharing responsibility.
Marriage is not about who makes the Tea. Marriage is about making Tea for someone and having someone you can ask to make Tea for you.
Marriage is not about about who brings home the pay check. Marriage is about taking the decisions together on how that money is spent.
Marriage is not about who stitches the button - but also who is willing to ask for the the button to be stitched and who is willing to stitch the button :)