Mommy Evaluation

When I was single I never bothered what people thought. Even when I got married I really didnt care what people said or felt. I did as I pleased and as I thought appropriate. You could say I had the skin of a rhinocerous. Nothing affected me.
Somehow the after becoming a mommy my skin has become like the elephant. It may seem tough, but it is highly sensitive. I tend to hear things in super sonic mode. DH even tells me that I hear things that are not meant for me. Then I have the super-mom interpretation system. This seriously is the most annoying part. I take what people have 'probably' said, interpret it and blow it out of proportion!
Am I the only mommy who does it? And why did this change happen.
This weekend we spent some time with a few families and one particular brother (I say brother and not friend and you will realize why shortly) watched me reprimand Isaac. I was gentler than normal but this brother keeps telling me to be kinder. His usual words are 'Baccha hai ... mar daloge kya!' Its sounds very funny when you are trying to correct a 5 year old.
As I was correcting Isaac he looked at me and I laughed. Then he said this
'Whatever said and done, my wife and I think your kids are good!'
It was a completely unexpected statement and no one has really said this to me before. It felt like my yearly evaluation was done. I know DH would have just shrugged away this statement with a kind of  'Yes I know'. But for me I really needed to hear it. DH often appreciates my investment with the kids in terms of homeschooling and other stuff. But when you get an external review, its like icing on a yummy cake.
Why do we mommies need to hear this?

Guilt
Most mommies live with the constant guilt. Maybe for some its because we spend all our time with our kids and our children kind of reflect us is a lot of ways. For instance, Isaac was born a very calm and content child. For more of his first two years he rarely cried. But somewhere around 2 years the shit hit the fan and he had lost his calm nature. Somewhere during my second pregnancy, I had lost my cool. I started showing signs of pregnancy mood swings. I am sure Isaac must have been watching these behavioral changes and I feel that was the beginning of some of his anger issues. I now constantly spend time praying for him. We mommies live with the guilt that we can/ or may have messed up our kids.

Judgement
I read this article somewhere that said that if a dad brings a kid with a messy face, people around think its cute. But if a mom brings a kid with a messy face, she is judged as not doing enough for her children. Why does the world judge the daddy and mommy with different yard sticks? Somehow if a child is good the whole world compliments a father on how well he has raised them and if the child goes astray then its the mother's fault. Why is it that the responsibility is not shared equally?

Appreciation or lack thereof
This is my constant fight with DH. Most folks who go to work get a yearly evaluation. Some even get a salary hike if they  perform well. But somehow mommies who work hard day in and day out get no appraisal. We mommies don't need the salary hike. But the verbal appraisal is very important. The most important person to provide that should be DH. Wouldn't it be fun is maybe once a year we got a certificate saying ' Worlds best mommy 2014-2015'. I would totally love it!
Another aspect of this appraisal is when the outside world provides it. Daddies please stop taking all the glory and share it with mommy. Maybe even call it mommy and get the outsider to repeat comments. Believe me every mom loves hearing good things about their kids. DH is very good at this. Especially if someone comments on how we homeschool. I have heard him frequently say ' I really dont know how she (referring to me) keeps it all so organized.


To the world outside, if you see a mommy struggling with a child, remember we mommies are far more stressed than most CEO's. So give us freedom from our guilt trip and if you cannot say anything encouraging, don't say anything at all.
To all the mommies out there if I have ever said anything that made you feel condemned .. Please .. Please forgive me!

SAVE the 'CHILDREN'

He screams ' Focus ... Focus'. The only response he gets is a blank look. 'Attack the ball... come on Attack'. And there is no reaction. Its probably because the 5 year old just doesn't get the meaning of 'focus' and does not understand why he needs to attack the soccer ball.

The situation above is at the soccer game of my 5 year old. Soccer at 5 should be balance of fun and sportsmanship. Yes learning to win is important but its not everything.

We ( DH and I ) have been watching parents around the soccer field like kids go to see animals at a zoo. Apologies for that comparison. But when you scream at a 5 year old because he doesn't score a goal .. I feel no other comparison fit. I wonder when a father screams at his child to 'focus' does it reflect in anyway on his own struggles. I jokingly told my husband that ' Its probably what his manager tells him.' I wonder whether we just push our children to do the things we were not able to do.

Encouragement: Believe me I am not against encouraging some good skills set and it is definitely hard to motivate a 5 year old. My little boy does not seem to interested in soccer. Yet we are there week after week because we believe he needs the the physical activity. But listening to the other parents scream we have begun to wonder whether this is a good place to get any kind of exposure other than unhealthy competition. We are Homeschoolers ...so competition has been long thrown out. We believe that there is only one person you need to compete with and that is yourself. Strive to be better than who you were yesterday. In the case of a 5 year old his goal should read something like this ' You could not tie your shoe lace yesterday ... well lets try again today.'

Weaklings: Another incident that happened simultaneously on the soccer field was a few mothers walk onto the soccer field and demand that their 5 year olds be moved up to a more senior batch. After all who wants to play with 'Kaccha limbus'. The kids were all listening intently as the coach tried reasoning out with two women who probably never played a sport in their life. They had to be told about how there were skills sets that came with development and development came with age. I think the moral the kids learnt was 'Please do not waste your time with those who are any lesser than you'. The end result of this upgrade was the two boys who normally do really well struggled to hit the ball against boys much older than them.

We already live in a  world that lacks compassion. We think the weaker person is to be walked over and thrown away. Why else would 6 years olds be getting raped? We are raising our children to do just about anything to get their way and move ahead. Even if it means asking mom to speak to the coach or pushing over just about any child that cannot make the cut. We need compassion. Not aggression.

Healthy competition: And we do it all in the name of healthy competition. DH and I are very competitive. We have made the best of all that came in our life. But there is something called a sore loser and I feel by pushing our kids and screaming at them when they play games we are telling them that there is no good in losing. The sports field is the best place to teach a child the values of life such as failure is not the end or life! Do not quit! Run like you have never run before! Enjoy the game! We dont raise kids to be successful when we push them - we just make them sore losers. I have even seen the kids do pelvic thrust when they score a goal or lip sync foul language when they dont.

Reaction of the world: With the world cup just over and the amount of jokes on the Indian team and their girlfriends, it seems rather important to realize that we have all stopped enjoying the game for what it is. We enjoy it because we win. When we lose we are sore losers. These jokes come from people who probably never even picked up a cricket bat. On Sunday they only thing my DH said was - 'I hope New Zealand wins - They have sportsmanship.' The sad part is we train our children to be poor sportsman beginning at ages as young as 5 years old.

We talk often about the environment and saving the tiger so our children may enjoy seeing this animal. But are were saving our children and raising them to appreciate the environment and the tiger. Or are we just raising them to be aggressive and competitive adults. The famous saying is 

 'We talk about leaving a better earth for our children. But are we leaving better children for our earth?

Happiness is ... #Iamappy

Sometime we trivialize our day, our week, our month and our life. It seems uninteresting and simple. In a world that strives for exotic and adventurous, it is the simplicity of life that actually puts the smiles on our faces. Here is my little plate and all that makes me smile in my simple everyday life.

What is happiness?

Is it the house I just bought? No! It’s my 5 year old son making perfect ‘8’s’ on a bicycle without training wheels in front of this house.

Is it my perfectly painted walls? No! It’s my 3 year using her finger to write an ‘A’ for the first time by herself.

Is it the new car that drives into my garage? No! It’s the man behind the driving wheel who we are glad to have home after a long day’s work.

Is it watching the world cup on TV? No it watching my 5 year old running to hit a goal as he plays soccer.

Is it watching songs on youtube? No its listening to my 3 year sing ‘Isty bitsy Spider’ … in Hindi … for the 1000^th time.

Is it sitting in an elite café drinking some exotic coffee? No it’s sitting on the kitchen counter sipping a hot cup of chai with DH and talking about our day.

Is it the perfect vacation to Hawaii that I want to plan? No! It’s the impromptu picnic in the park with sandwiches, bananas, a camera and two happy carefree kids.

Is it the high speed internet that works to perfection? No! It’s ‘DH’ who makes sure that no matter which corner in the house I want to plop down and pull up the internet, its running ‘high’ speed!

Is it the beautiful tomatoes on my plants in the kitchen garden? No! It’s the little hands that grab at them and the little mouths that relish every little piece of the tomato.

Is it the fabulous oven with 11 methods of cooking? No! It’s the eagerness of the faces watching the pizza cooking through the closed oven door.

Is it sipping wine at a fancy restaurant with the perfect ambiance? No! It’s sitting in a ‘Thattukada’ with  many hands being dipped into my plate trying to get a piece of what I ordered.

Is it the perfect job in the perfect office with plenty of privacy? No! It’s being within hands reach of little hands that constantly touch my computer preventing me from getting work done.

Is it peace and quiet and the freedom to enjoy an awesome book? No! It’s reading ‘Goodnight Moon’ and ‘Curious George’ for the hundredth time.

Happiness has several forms and at different phases in our lives different things make us happy. The questions at the beginning of each sentence were things that made me happy a few years ago. The answers are the things that make me happy now. I know these will change. In each of our circumstances if we can find the ‘trivial’ things in life to keep us happy, we reach a place called contentment and knowing that right now in my life I am able to enjoy the things that bring me contentment, well that makes me happy.

This post has been written for #Iamappy  Coca-Cola India  . Check out their ad

Love in a time of crisis #together

The true test of a marriage is definitely how a couple withstands crisis. While I cannot say that Suresh and I have had great trials and tribulations, we have seen a fair share of up’s and downs. Starting with homesickness, which was before we were married, to the loss of a dear one, we have been broken and still stand together.

A recent crisis that I thought would be interesting to share.  This one was not as emotional as a loss of a dear one but yet drove us up each other nerves in the matter of a few days.

We finally sealed the deal on a house in November. After 3 years of trying to get our finances together and being very picky about staying in the same community we were able to move to a house … right next door. I would not call it a dream home since I really do not have any idea of what my dream home would look like. But I definitely was looking forward to decorating this house and calling it my own. As we started planning changes in the house Suresh said 'Lets just move in! We can slowly make changes.' I , on the other hand, wanted to renovate the bathrooms. Now bathrooms are a pet peeve for me and while the new house had never been used, the tiles were not exactly my 'style'.

Suresh haggled 'One' bathroom. I did not give in. All 'four' bathrooms renovated was my demand. And then began our crisis which lasted 4 months.

As we broke the tiles and choose new one for the floors and walls, we never thought renovating bathrooms would be such a crisis. The contractor we chose was terrible. The workers were lazy and when time came to move into the new house, not a single bathroom was ready. 

I was waiting to hear from the mouth of DH 'I told you not to do this'

But he did not say a word!

One week later we managed to get the contractors out of the house and then, it started to leak. Not a small leak. A big smelly leak. Drip! Drip!

I was waiting to hear from the mouth of DH 'We should not have done this!'

But he did not say a word! 

It took us a whole month and a plumber who came every single day to our house to fix all the goof ups made by the previous contractor. As I complained about the never ending work and the constant drilling noise I was expecting DH to burst in flames and yell back.

I was waiting to hear from the mouth of DH 'You did not listen to me!'

But he did not say a word! 

We finally made it through the craziness together and have started enjoying the peace of our new home. While some women may think love is diamonds and roses, I am definitely one that believes that 'Love' is standing together in the time of crisis. Love is a husband who doesn't point out your mistakes!

This post has been written for #together for Housing.com. 

HUM Do .... 'HAMARE' Do

We all know the famous Indian family planning triangle. But we don't always see the story past the triangle. In the middle of getting from HUM do -- TO --- HAMARE do ..... HUM DO gets lost!

While most of the time I dont mind demonizing my DH (dear husband)... in this blog he is the victim! He has endured a lot in my journey to motherhood. Starting with all the fertility tests and the treatment, to a wife who would cry at the sight of a pregnant woman or a baby on TV!
And at the end of those those rough years ... when the little one arrived ... I completely ignored my DH for a long time. (sometimes I still do)
The reason for this blog is all the things I know I want to do differently to ensure the HUM DO will be strong and survive the rough years when 'HUMARE DO' will become troublesome tens ...terrible teens ... and then leave the nest. As a couple we do need the 'US' time. But in this crazy world of meetings, office, church, hobbies and extra-curricular activities, that time is so hard to come by.
And then there is this 'DO' cute factor.  And as cute and cuddly as they might be they will interrupt and definitely be part of every conversation between ME and DH. We now have to tell Ziva to stop talking so Suresh and I can have a conversation. But there is definitely more than just a conversation needed between the HUM DO. In a household where parents show affection and love, children grow up knowing the importance of togetherness and comfort found in the security of their home.
Here are some things I definitely plan on implementing as the next 5-year plan in our household.

Goodbye… Hello…Goodnight: 
Right now it seems like every time DH is leaving for work, I am searching for something. Every time he returns I am either grumpy or getting ready to get grumpy. SMILE! Remember the old movies with the heroine with the flowers on her head waving goodbye to her husband at the door or opening the door with a big smile ... well ... yea ... that's not going to be me. But I definitely will be at the door with a smile! I am going to put down whatever I am going and take those 5 minutes to wave goodbye. I do know that Ziva and Isaac are watching and while I am not doing this for them, if I do not do this simple gesture, years later they will reflect these emotions of indifference some where. 

Dancing: 
During our years before the kids were born and before I was moping at the thought of infertility, Suresh and I would dance a lot. We loved learning new styles of dancing. We learned to 'swing' and 'jive'. There is something about dancing that strikes a common cord between us and its time to revive it! The problem is Isaac does not like us dancing! Actually he specifically does not enjoy me dancing. I guess the 5 year old is going to have to deal with the joy that dancing is going to bring to mom and dad!

Getting out and painting the town:

This is the hardest right now because painting the town is usually something you do when you get to go out at night. Date night's are a thing of the past. But we would occasionally go out for lunch dates till I got tired of fighting the traffic to get to any restaurant half decent. But I think I am going to forget about the half decent restaurant and just go to the next A2B in the vicinity. After all its not about getting cozy. Its about getting out and being with each other. I do not think I can sell the A2B idea to Suresh but he may buy the 'lets just go eat some bhel puri togther' idea!

That's what moms are for!

I am not comfortable leaving the kids with friends. Actually my mom is the only person I am comfortable leaving my kids with in the late evenings. I know the next time she is around I am going to ask her for the gigantic favor of watching the kids while Suresh and I head out. I remember about 2 years ago when Ziva was about a two years old, Suresh and I had to leave for a late night party. As we left the kids with my mom and went it was the least guilty I have ever felt about leaving them alone. The best part... Isaac and Ziva had a ball with Ammachi!

Time for change: When we get married we promise that its for better or worse. But sometimes in the midst of the diaper changes and the potty training we forget the the better and worse of the other persons life may come from all directions. Especially since DH goes out for work, I dont connect on that aspect. Before the HUMARE DO ... we would talk about all things work. The papers we were writing ... the protocols we were working on ... the annual review coming up. 
But now it seems like the minute DH walks in my conversation starts like this ' You know who pooped in her pants' or 'You know who threw up in the living room!'. Yes exactly the thing my tired, exhausted DH wants to hear. Its time for a change in the conversation. Its time to ask about the stress at work and not just ask but listen to the story. Its time to listen to the work politics and dynamics. Its time!

I am among those the believe that a child strengthens a marriage. While having a baby may strengthen a marriage, it also comes with its own set of adjustments. So make the time to ‘be’ with your spouse and keep the ‘quality’ of your relationship intact with some ‘quality’ US time. Quality time together does not have to be expensive.
- It could involved just opening the door and stepping into the balcony with a hot cup of tea or chocolate
- It could a meal on the floor in the terrace under the stars

- It could be a game of scrabble (I love this one because Suresh lets me win!) 

- It could dancing to music when the kids go out to play!

The more I can do these simple things, the more I know Isaac and Ziva will realize how important DH is to me and me to him. A good lesson right at home on the importance of marriage and the joy in a lasting relationship.

A whole new world! #startanewlife

A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us no or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming

The butterflies in the stomach, the excitement that makes you grip the boarding pass tighter. I felt it all. 15 years ago. The moment:  My trip to the US for graduate studies.
And then I was right back there. 12 years later with the boarding pass in my hand. The grip was tighter and this time I had 4 boarding passes in hand.

I had left for the US in August of 2000 and I had somehow in my mind already fixed it to think that I would be back. I had left with two suitcases and the song above was a perfect description of the reason for the butterflies in my stomach. I was going to a completely new place. Most may think that for a twenty-something year old, it was quite a brave thing to do.
But I think the real boldness was the return to India. R2I as its commonly called has been an adventure. Starting this 'new' life in a country that was always HOME, that was the bold step. I have been asked again and again. Why did you come back? or Don't you miss the US? or Do you like it back here?

As I sit back and think about the before and after's of the move to India I think the scariest part was we were uprooting a life we had made for 12 year. I had gone from 'me' to 'us'. We had gone from 4 suitcases (2 of mine and 2 of Suresh's) to 234 boxes. I was no longer a graduate-20-something-year old. I was a wife and a mother. That was why this R2I felt scarier. We could not take chances. We were a family and there were responsibilities and decisions. We were leaving our jobs, the relationships we had created and our perfectly comfortable lives ! The reason: We wanted to be as close to family.
As Suresh made the final claim to the job in India, I finally knew it was happening. After 12 years we were going back HOME. And yet it was all new. It was a new city, we would have to make new friends and we would have to settle down in a new place and make it our own. As we boarded the plane to India, there was no fear, there was just the desire to see this whole new world. And this time I would be seeing it as a wife and a mother. India has been a blessing these past 3 years. It has received us with open arms and has let us create our little nest right here in the big city of Bangalore.

I know one day this cycle will play again. I know that I will not be holding the boarding pass in my hand. I hope this blog will inspire my son and daughter and show them the excitement in starting a new life.


This blog has been written for Housing.com (Topic: #startanewlife) . Check out their ad below:

So much talking - Ziva's world

When she grows up -Ziva is going to kill me for this blog post.
So Ziva is going up and down between Aunty on the 1st floor and me in the basement. Somewhere in between Aunty sits her on the potty to pee. Some half hour later its time to go to the park. Now the problem with Ziva is she needs to pee every 6 seconds usually. So Aunty calls Ziva again and sits her on the potty
Aunty: Ziva make ' Susu' (our code language for pee)
Ziva obediently sit on the potty. But the girl's bladder is empty
Aunty: Ziva make ' Susu'
Ziva : Enge make 'Susu' aunty. Just now I made 'Susu'. If you say make 'Susu' , make 'Susu'  .. how will I make 'Susu'.

Aunty was in the state of shock for sometime.